I just really, really hate myself. I have a fleeting moment of confidence where I feel I’m sufficiently capable of being a grown up and then I remember that I’m awful and such a thing is indelibly unattainable.
I went back home for Christmas to spend the holiday with my family and it was the worst. I got into it with my mother on Christmas Eve after being treated like a second rate human being compared to my siblings by both her and my dad. Long story short I told her I’m not certain I would even come by anymore if I weren’t financially dependent on them (my parents).
Then I got home and I started to think, you know, maybe it’s really time I just settle on a life course and see where it takes me already, because my current path hit a dead end about 2-3 years ago. I started craving my hometown, and not the town my parents live in that I spent my adolescence in, but the town we relocated from to get there; the town where I spent my youth. I haven’t been back in half a life time. Literally. I was 12 when we left and I turn 24 this year. Honestly, though the move never bothered me at the time, I find myself wondering what my life would be like today had we not left. Our family was more bonded before the move, particularly between all of us kids’ individual relationships with our dad. Though I’m not certain that had anything to do with the move…
Anyways, my point here is that I find myself wondering lately if I would be a different person today had we stayed. I see all these people I grew up with settling into careers and living capable, fulfilling lives, and I just can’t say the same for myself. If I stayed, would I have been influenced to pursue other hobbies growing up? Would I have found a talent or an interest I could devote myself too? My neighbour, a boy my sister’s age I used to play with, he’s still playing hockey 12 years later, playing for a minor league team and undoubtedly pursuing a long term career out of this. One of my best friends growing up, a crafty girl who always loved to doodle and make art projects runs her own art store now and seems to absolutely love what she does. Radio emcee, astrophysics, salon manager, graphic design, you name it. Everyone I know is doing something they love, and it’s a product of years of pursuing that specific interest and making it into something they can do for a living, all the while I sit in my apartment alone wondering what my interests even are so I can do something other than hate myself.
I moved to the city to pursue laboratory sciences, and after 1 semester at University I quickly fell off that band wagon and realized I wasn’t near passionate enough to devote 4 years of my life, blood, sweat, and tears into something I chose on a whim. However, I recently found a more comfortable program for me for the same thing at a different institution and I wonder if I should just… try again. I think probably my rationale behind wanting to pursue such a career is that growing up, my sister’s two closest friends both had mother’s working this exact job or similar to it. And that caters to me in the sense that I’ve always wanted to have a family of my own and I idolized both these women a lot growing up, so much so that it would almost feel fulfilling to me to pursue this in that regard. They were both so friendly; always smiling and always so caring. They both were ambitious and I feel they both truly have everything. A husband, children, a career, and the patience and resilience to manage all 3 of those things without ever losing face. I wish I could be like that so desperately…
And that brings me to today. I lost my hair ties. “What?” you ask? I spent like a crap ton of money on these ultra-cute hair ties for me, my sister, and my sister in law’s stocking stuffers for Christmas, and I was incredibly excited to wear mine, because I’ve been growing my hair out for what seems like forever (I had an anxiety attack and hacked off months of effort which set me back a lot) and finally I am able to tie my hair back properly. So I go hunting for my hair ties I had last seen not 2 weeks ago… and they’re gone. I was already running late for work today so I left in a panic and yelled at my mom over the phone to look around her house in case I left them there… nothing. It really got to me. It’s really getting to me. It will really get at me in the morning. They were one of a kind that I bought online and they’re just gone without a trace. Then I spent 8 hours at work hating myself and hating my life because karma just really seems to dislike me and these kind of things always happen to me! Side note: while typing this my laptop died because I unplugged it for the first time in half a decade to move my makeshift coffee table around so I could accommodate my new area rug and forgot to plug it back in… You see??
And these things ACTUALLY FACTUALLY bother me. I mean I go ballistic and you’d think you’re witnessing someone who should be sent to an asylum. I throw tantrums like a 2 year old and coincidentally I’ve been throwing them ever since I were 2! I become overwhelmed with anger and hate for myself for being stupid enough to misplace something I was so excited about and I honestly feel the urge to harm myself.
What’s worse is I’ll probably call my mother again in the morning and rip her a new ass hole like she had anything to do with this at all, just because I need to scream at someone other than myself to relinquish some of my anguish.
And now I’m sitting here typing, thinking that my ever being an adult is such a farce. I’m a financial and emotional cripple. How is someone like me supposed to go through school and practicum and 30 years of dedicated work without blowing a gasket on someone undeserving over something petty… I don’t know that I can.
What’s holding me back the most though is my lack of motivation. What is this really all for? At the end of the day I don’t have someone who loves me, I don’t have children who depend on me, I don’t have hobbies or friends… I have no reason to do anything more than what I’m doing right now… and that’s despairing to me. I want more from life but I can’t achieve it. I wouldn’t see the point if I could.