Monday, November 12th

Dear xxxxx,

Let’s go back to June 20th.  Let’s pretend you’ve had a lot on your mind all day, and you care enough about me to tell me all of your worries.

What would you say to me?  How would you expect me to react?  Where do you think we would go from there?  Do you think I’d be understanding?

I’m telling you now that I am not mad at you.  I love you and I accept everything that has happened.  I genuinely want to see you happy, and I would love to be the one to make you happy, but if you don’t love me anymore, and you don’t care about me anymore, and you don’t think about me anymore, then there’s no more room for me in your life.

I’ve done a lot of growing up since you left me, and every day gets harder, but I keep persevering.  My feelings for you are persistent, and my hopes for you are high, but I know that if you have lost all you’ve ever felt for me, then there is no point in my continuing.  I need to move on with myself.

I’m living my life, and I’m doing what I need to do, but what does it matter when I’m still waiting on you?  I’m still waiting to hear what you have to say and understand what you are feeling.  I care about you too much to let you go without a definitive reason.

I truly hope you know and feel that my love for you is not conditional.  It is there for you always just because you’re who you are.

Sometimes I ask myself who you really are.  To be honest, I don’t have as clear an answer as I would have liked.  But somehow I feel I do know you.  Somehow, in words I can’t describe, I feel like I’m still what you need.  That the people I love and trust in my life are people that you need.  That my happiness, my sadness, my love and my mistakes are all things that you need.  Things you need to embrace, and learn to cope with, and find strength in.

I feel like our personalities complement each other—we are so much the same, but in such different ways.  I know I have learned a lot from you already.  I have learned to look at myself as someone worthy of your time.  I have learned that I need to expand my horizons and try new things.  I have learned that I can be unappreciative at times, and slow on recognizing ill feelings I have and emotions that I express.  I have learned that I can’t put a time, or a standard, or a caution on my feelings for you.

I would like to share so many more memories with you, and learn so many new things from you and share so much more of the feelings I have for you.  But if you are not interested in them, then let me go.  Tell me flat-out.  Let me find new footing after all this mess so that I can find someone who will appreciate what I have to offer.  Don’t keep holding on to me.

Please don’t feel guilty either way.  If you don’t love me, then you don’t owe me that guilt.  You’ve apologized for what you’ve done to me, and I have accepted it.  I have moved on from that.  And if you do still love me, then still, don’t worry about what is done.  Take it as a lesson learned, because I myself have learned a big lesson from all of this.

Where I am now is just waiting to know why it is you don’t want me out of your life.

So let’s go back to June 20th.  Let’s talk like a couple of fools in love who just need to communicate their feelings.

From a boy who’s faith in you is as resilient as you’ll allow—

Blue

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