Friday, September 14th

“Goodbye”.

I don’t know how to deal with this word.  It’s truly not in my personal vocabulary.  I’ve never said goodbye to anyone.  Even people I know I’ll never see again.  I can’t face that reality–never ever seeing someone again.

The word is unfortunately all too real.  Goodbye can’t just be ignored.
It is erroneous; a misnomer–not good at all.  Today and forevermore I will say “sadbye”.  This is the word I know.  This is the word I stand by.

When I look at my life objectively, I see I’ve never really even been given the circumstance to which a sadbye is necessary.  Apart from the death of my grandfather, I suppose.  His was truly a sadbye, but I’m certain I never gave him one.  I cried, I mourned, I reflected and I ruminated, but I never said sadbye.  I guess it just never seemed necessary.  Somewhere down the line I just came to accept my loss and resigned to someday seeing his happy, scowling face again.

–On a delightful side note!  The other day I took a taxi to my place of work.  A warm, elderly, man drove me.  It was… comforting.  The smell of his cab.  It was of my grandfather.  A smell so distantly familiar I couldn’t help but crease a smile.–

Anyways, on the subject of sadbyes.
Recently my ex told me goodbye.  There’s that funny word again; goodbye.
I couldn’t help but really ponder his intent behind it.  A man who once told me he so passionately loved me and cared for me, and would never hurt me.  Why would he use this wanton word on me?

I started contemplating what it really meant.  This word I’ve never spoken before, in what context was it used?  In what sincerity was the word derived?  I felt helpless, and confused.  I still do.  I have for almost 3 months now.  None of this has made sense to me.  But the goodbye is the only clarity I’ve had in a long time.
What did this word mean?  It meant somebody no longer valued me.  It meant somebody looked at me and saw a person who could provide no more love, no more friendship, no more emotional and personal gratification.

I think that is what makes goodbye the saddest for me.  That is why I choose to call it a sadbye.  I didn’t simply pass on from this life.  I didn’t leave someone with no choice but to bring our emotional resonance to a close.  I was abandoned instead.  I have been abandoned by one of the so few people I embraced in my life and allowed myself to feel safe and comfortable around.

Is this what sadbyes are like for everyone?  When you say it to someone, do you realize the impact of your words?  Do you see the betrayal of your most intimate of promises as a human being?
I see it.  And I can’t say it.  I can’t hurt someone like that.  I will never say sadbye to him.  He will never know my affliction, because I can’t burden him in such a way.

Love is such a precious word.  It’s so incredibly intricate and boundless.  Please, if you find yourself reading this, please, please, please, never say goodbye to someone you love.

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2 thoughts on “Friday, September 14th

    1. thebluewigglytuff Post author

      Thank you!
      And yes, much too painful. I just don’t see how after everything two people have been through with eachother, that one could just say goodbye and disappear as if they never existed–as if I never existed.
      Hope all is well with you~

      Reply

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