Wednesday, September 5th


I love you.  I can’t seem to say that enough…

I am a very different person than those you have encountered in your life; an ancient soul.  I am hard of trust, I am nostalgic, I am a time vault of emotions.  I hold everything I love in my life at a historic value—something so completely determinant in my being and my understanding of the life I lead, something so truly meaningful that it stays with me forever as a mark on my character.

You have marked me.  You have become so incredibly important in my life that I don’t know how to cope with losing you.  I don’t know how to continue my life when, to someone like me, I’ve now lost such a huge part of it.

I let you in.  I let you touch me, in my heart and my body, in places I’ve never been touched.  I felt love for you, I committed you to my memories.  You are a history within me.  I don’t know how to erase that as you have, and I don’t know how to move forward with such a damaged canvas of self-identity.

Unlike most things in my life that I connect with, I can’t save you.  I can’t put you on a YouTube playlist, I can’t replay you as if you were a video game, I can’t re-watch our love like a movie, I can’t save you to my desktop, I can’t listen to you on my phone, I can’t feel you the way I’ve felt you in our moments together ever again.  You are lost to me.   I see you everywhere I look, but you are missing.

All the promises I made with you… all the places we promised we would go, the games we promised we’d play, the movies we promised we’d watch, the experiences we promised we’d share.  I don’t know what to do with those now.  They’re my dearest promises… they are so important to me.  How do I ever do these things on my own now?  They will always be promises I’ll have broken.  I can’t do that…

I can’t do this.  I can’t find a way to accept that you’re just gone now.  How does someone like me deal with that?  I know you’ve hurt me, I know I feel betrayed and used by you, and I know I still resent the way you’ve handled my feelings so carelessly, but it doesn’t seem to matter to me.  You being in my life is all that matters to me.

When you told me you loved me, it was really I who loved you.  When you said I was what you needed, you were really what I need.  When you said you could be real with me, it was me who could be real with you.

Maybe I’m a romantic, maybe I’m lonely, maybe I’m crazy.  Whatever I am, it is you that is a part of that now.  How do I breathe without you acknowledging that?

I will love you every day of my life.  But I guess I just need to channel that into accepting your doing what makes you happy.  Please find happiness.  Please live the life you want to live and be the you that you are.

Despite everything, I am so happy to have met you.  I will treasure your feelings and your memories forever.  As a part of me.


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