Blue Christmas

It’s 1am Christmas morn’.  My kittens are curled up–one by the fireplace and one in her tree basket–sleeping the night away.  At least, they are until I decide to go to bed, then they turn into night terrors and drag my bonsai all over the place like I woke up to Christmas Eve morning!

Anyways, I was going to post another of my entries from my summer journal, but I decided to go with something a little more festive.  Or at least, something to do with how I’ve been holding up this holiday season!

Things have been rough, to say the least.  It’s been almost a year since my ex and I’s paths crossed in this life.  I anticipate things will only get worse.

Working Christmas Eve was no fun.  It was so busy, and all of our customers were:

a) Couples in love coming in from the cold for hot chocolates and shared pastries.

b) Desperate and depraved spinster women coming in for company and/or distraction.

and c) attractive (and stupid) young men doing last minute Christmas shopping for their lucky latte lasses.

I didn’t particularly enjoy these crowds.  Especially since some of those in crowd (b) were just flat-out strange people.  And of course I was helplessly bitter about all the love in the air.

My friend I was working with told me I should just text him–my ex.  She said I should just ask him why he’d said he wanted to talk to me again, and then never talked to me again.  I told her I was scared to make myself vulnerable to him again.  When she’d asked why, my only response to her was that I’m just so sad inside.  And in an incredibly real moment between us, I accidently let myself cry.

I took a minute in the backroom, upset that I’d let my guard down in the middle of the store like that, and when I came back out she told me she loved me, and thinks I deserve so much better than someone like him.

I never let myself agree with her.  I don’t really know why.  Maybe I do deserve better, but I just can’t seem to believe that in the slightest.  Why am I finding myself so helpless to all of this again?  I thought I was moving past everything.

Maybe I do need to reach out to him again.  I’m just so paralyzed with fear that he’ll never reply, or that he still won’t give me the answers I need.  I want closure so bad…  I’m finding it so hard to let go without it.

Anyways, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!  I hope you all have beautiful people in your lives to stay close and warm with this holiday season!  And for those of you who don’t–cheers to being absolutely alone on Christmas!  My advice?  Get kittens~

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