Wednesday, August 1st

I texted xxxxx again on the 30th.  He didn’t reply to my first one, and I felt stupid texting him two times in a row, but I think his Grandpa passed away that day some 5 years ago, and I wanted to let him know that I was there for him…

Do I feel like I made a mistake?  Not exactly.  I am so… passionate about this.  About him.  Until I can find the closure I need, I refuse to keep my feelings for him silent.  Until I can see that he doesn’t want to give me another chance, despite everything I’ve come to realize since being apart from him, I need to keep putting myself out there…

I’m so scared that I’m going to get hurt again.  I get my hopes so high, but I can’t help myself.  I am such a fool for him.  I feel like I would do anything to make him happy again.

I keep running over different scenarios of how it will be to see him again.  (Oh yea, he agreed to talk to me when I get home!)
I keep imagining he’ll show up to my door with flowers, or I’ll open the door and we can’t seem to fight finding ourselves in an embrace, or I’ll spill my heart to him and we will cry and just be in love again…
I want him so desperately to love me again and be with me…

I keep struggling with the idea of a kitten too.  It seems like an all-kill bonus in my life right now.  Why?  Well there’s two ways I see this going.

1)  I get a kitten, tell xxxxx everything he’s deserved to hear from the start, we fall in love, and we share this new bundle of happiness and make our own quasi-family until we can truly be a part of eachother’s familial lives.

2)  I get a kitten, get rejected, but still have a kitten.
Something fresh, and new.  I have so much love to give right now, but unless it’s directed towards him, I am not ready to love another man.  I think the stability and dependance and binding friendship of a pet would really make me feel like I have a place in this world for something.  Someone, even if it’s just this little kitten, someone’s whole world would depend on me.  That’s what I need.  I need to be needed…

Wish me luck!  I hope so intensely that this man still loves me.  I want to give everything I have to offer to make up for how I’ve been to him.  I want to spend… daresay forever… letting him know he’s more important to me than I think either of us will ever understand…


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