It has been however long now since we’ve spoken intimately. In this time, I have been selfish, angry, naïve, bitter; myself.
My attitude towards everything you are has been the same as it’s always been–afraid to commit to what you are. Afraid to see you as either an amazing guy, or an inconsiderate one. I’ve always spent so much time jumbling my opinions of you and blaming you for it, that I’ve spent far too little seeing you for who you are.
I have had a lot of time to think and grow up since I last saw you, and I mean that. I have come to see that in light of everything I feel you’d done wrong in our relationship, that I am the one that actually failed you. I am the one that was insecure enough in myself to take the beautiful opportunity I had with you and turn it all circumstantial. I couldn’t accept things as you offered them. I couldn’t trust your word, and your heart, and your feelings.
But worse yet, I was so selfish in seeing how you were not giving me everything you could have, when I was doing the exact same thing.
I really see you in a much clearer light now, I feel. Your actions, and your insecurities. I see now that, between your work, and your friends, and your family, and myself, and all of our expectations for you, you still made the time and effort to be with me, and give me a part of who you are. I never saw that. I never saw how overwhelmed and scared you might have been, and I never saw how committed to me you really were, and how you gave me everything you could.
I never saw how you made sure we went to bed together every night with an I love you and all problems resolved. I never saw how you wouldn’t let anything finish with me being angry. I never saw the tears you shed, and the feelings you shared, and the love you gave. I never felt your warmth, or your happiness. I never gave you a chance. I couldn’t see anything aside from how I was just your secret. That’s all I ever saw myself as—your secret, and your shame.
Of all the regrets I thought I’d had, this one is my deepest. My deepest regret is allowing myself to live each day with you and spend each night with you questioning everything you gave me and wondering if I’d made a mistake with you.
I promise you, that if you’ll let me, I will be what you really need. I will be patient, and understanding; I will be your friend. I promise to never go to bed at night again, or spend another second with you, wondering if the love you had to offer was real. I feel what it was now. I know you loved me.
I never gave us a chance, and even though it may be too late now, I am ready. I am ready to grow up and find myself, and discover life. I am ready to be what you need. I am ready to be your friend and I am ready to show you what love really is back. I am ready to be a part of your life, wherever you are ready to have me. I am ready to truly let you into my life too, so you can experience what it’s like to have people see you and love you for everything that you are. I am ready to guide you in any way I can. I am ready to be your support. I am ready to hear your thoughts and your feelings and your love and embrace them as what you are, because I love you.
I have never stood up for anything in my life, but I am standing up for you. For us. I am fully aware that I am putting myself out there for you and allowing myself to be rejected again, but you are worth that to me. You are worth that risk, and I am here to make every risk to get you back. I feel like we complement each other so perfectly, and we both have so much growing to do, and I just feel like we can have a real go at something beautiful. We can grow together.
I love you so much, and I will spend the rest of my life hating what is done. But I am ready to forgive it all. Are you?
If you have any love left for me at all, then give us this opportunity. If you still love me, then just do so. I promise it will be different this time. I promise I will never hurt you again.