Sunday, July 29th

I made a mistake last night.  I messaged you.  More importantly, I made myself vulnerable to you again.  I’m so stupid.

But it’s too late to have regrets now, what’s done is done.  So in the event I never hear from you again, this is for you:

What went wrong?  A week before you left me you were telling me how you’d love to come visit me while I’m away, and telling me every night that you love me.
How did that change?
I just don’t get it.  I know we had our issues, but we never went to bed mad at eachother (you would never even let it happen), and we always resolved everything.  At least my worries and concerns were always resolved.

Do you remember the day a few months ago, when we were arguing about I don’t even know what?  You insulted me on something in regards to me still being dependent on my mother for some things, and then I got mad and stopped replying.  Do you remember texting me until I would agree to let you come over so we could set things right?  Do you remember standing in the elevator, for 11 floors, and making everything better before we reached the top?
I remember seeing how upset you were in your eyes.  I remember recognizing how stupid we’d both been and how much you must have cared about me to be standing there, reaching for my hand, crying.

Do you remember all the nights I cried, never knowing where we stood and if you really loved me?  Do you remember all the times I felt insecure because you wouldn’t let me into your life?  Do you remember noticing every time I was upset with you, and pleading for me to help you understand why I am upset?
Do you remember our long late nights crying together because we were having such a hard time figuring things out?  You would be so upset that I couldn’t find any confidence in what you were offering, or how you were treating me, and you would say you feel like shit, or like a terrible boyfriend.  Do you remember crying?
I remember seeing how distraught you were.  I remember watching you from behind as you wipe your tears and blow your nose and blubber like a lovesick puppy.  I remember reaching for you and laying my hands on you and telling you how confused I am in my feelings for you, but reassuring you that they were there, and feeling so happy that you could cry for me.

Do you remember when I would ask you about your family.  How I would tell you how scared I am that you can just up and leave me someday, and have no responsibility to me to explain what had happened? Do you remember how vulnerable I felt knowing how little consequence I was in your life, regardless of how much you said that wasn’t true?
Do you remember how we got to where we are right in this moment?
Do you see how betrayed and inconsequent I feel?

I remember everything.  I look back and see every fight, and every happy moment, and every insecure moment.  I remember always looking at you and wondering how someone who complemented my life so perfectly insisted on remaining so disconnected from me.  I remember having regrets, and having fears, and wondering what kind of person you might have truly been.  But I also remember you’re warmth.  I remember kissing you and forgetting everything.  I remember feeling weak in your arms and in your embrace, and pulling myself away from your lips to see a face that reflected how I imagined my own.  Eyes closed, softened face, a euphoric expression.
“The face” I would call it.  I remember how happy I was to see that face everytime, knowing that when we share a kiss and hold eachother, every fear and insecurity is quelled.

And I look at where we are now.  And I know that we are no longer together, and I know that you have moved on, and I can’t help but feel sick at the thought that it was all a lie.

I trusted you during our relationship.  I didn’t always trust what you were doing, but I always tried trusting what you were saying and I gave you everything I had to offer to prove that.  I gave you myself, in ways much more intimate than sex.
I gave you a look into myself.  I gave you my thoughts and opinions and insecurities and worries.  I gave you every definition of myself, and shared every grievous and every joyous moment with you.
I told you that I didn’t trust you, but I always had faith in you.

Did you use it?  Did you exploit it?
Why did we have 5 months together as a couple who loved eachother only to one day wake up to find you’ve been “thinking about me”, you “aren’t coming to visit me at home” anymore, and inevitably you are “breaking up with me” after I finally ask you what’s going on.
How did it come to that?  What clicked all of a sudden for you to do this, when only a day before we exchanged I love yous and went to bed knowing we had someone else to live and love for?

I hate assuming things.  I hate pretending I know your reasoning behind things.  But you never give me anything, and that’s where my mind goes to find answers that you refuse to share.  And these are my thoughts.

Within two weeks after leaving me, though you had promised me that you were not going to go looking for anyone right away, and that you were not interested in dating for a long time, you were seeing someone new.  Why did you lie to me?  Why did you go back on your word so quick, and make me feel like my whole existence only bore two weeks worth of impact on you?

Why did you lie to me for so long?  And for how long?  You told me when you left me that you’ve been unsure about us for a long time, and I want to know since when.  I need to hear how long you’ve been taking advantage of me.

Tell me why all of this happened.  Tell me how you could use me for so long and hurt me so deep in the end and not give me any explanation aside from “I just don’t like you anymore”.

My emotions this past month have been all across the board.  I’ve felt bitter, I’ve felt anger, I’ve hated you, but I’ve also felt guilty, and felt sorry for you, and felt like I’ve let you down.

How could you leave me–someone so enthralled in your life and concerned about you at every turn–with no answers.  How do you go to sleep at night knowing the pain you’ve caused me and sleepless nights you’ve given me?

I just want answers.  I want closure.  You failed to acknowledge my feelings when you had said that you loved me, the least you can do is acknowledge them this one time, and tell me what I’ve really been to you and how that relates to the way I’ve been left.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s