Friday, July 27th

I feel like I am in such a difficult place right now.

I know my feelings have been everywhere this past week, and I don’t know why it’s gotten so hard again all of the sudden.  I guess I just realize he’s someone I truly want to fight for…  He’s someone I just want to take every chance I can with, to make up for every lost opportunity of my past.  He’s worth it to me.  He’s so valuable to me and I want to be someone he can find happiness with.

I guess I’m just in a really tough place when it comes to talking to him again.  I don’t think he’s ever had someone who has reached out to him before, and I want to do that for him, honestly.  It just… it puts me in such an awkward place.
First of all, he never ever even gave me an inkling that I was in danger of losing him, maybe he doesn’t even want me to reach out to him?  And more importantly, where does reaching out to him leave me?  If I’m trying to be there for him, who is there for me?  I will be left in the fray, having to face myself everyday as the person who lost this guy I care so much for and am still concerned about him despite it all.

I don’t think I’m strong enough to be his friend, and be there for him when he needs someone.  I don’t think I have what it takes to be that kind of person for him, considering my feelings…
Don’t my feelings get to be considered?

I don’t know how to approach the subject with him or reach out to him or if he even wants to discuss the matter with me.  I don’t know what he wants.

Should I get tangled up in this again?  Should I risk my feelings for him being hurt any further?  Is there any chance that this can be fixed?  Please, somebody out there let me know…  I can’t stand another day of this.  I don’t know how I am going to face life back at the apartment, alone in the city.

I keep anticipating that everything will be normal again when I get back.  And he’ll come and visit me and hug me and kiss me and tell me he made a mistake and all will be fine.  I keep dreaming and wishing and hoping this will be true.  Why did it have to end?  Before I could truly know him, and see a part of him he’s been reluctant to share with anyone.  Why aren’t I good enough for him?  Why would he tell me I’m not good enough for him if he didn’t mean it…

I need help sorting through my feelings.  I need someone.  I need him.


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