So today was Valentine’s Day. Though by the time I’m finished posting this, it will likely be the 15th. Whatever.
So today was Valentine’s Day. It’s been a long day. And not because of the day. It wasn’t a Hallmark-inspired depression. Being alive just happened to be an inconveniece for other reasons.
This morning started off like a good day. I got up super early, before even the sun rose. I did all my dishes and got to enjoy a peaceful morning playing video games. Around 10 I decided to make pancakes and use up my leftover chocolate chips. A Valentine’s Day treat–or maybe just an I-finally-get-a-day-off-work treat. And it just overwhelmed me, the familiarity of it all. From the moment I pulled my electric frying pan out from under the oven, listening to the background tune of my video game still melodically humming about, I just couldn’t regret my choices this morning any more.
I used to cuddle up next to him in the mornings. He would play Zelda and I would watch diligently and snuggle him or kiss his shoulder or cheek whenever he kicked ass. The morning sun would not have wrapped around the living room windows yet, so the blinds would be opened and the room would be serenaded in that dewy morning glory light of spring that all but vanishes come summer. I would look up into his eyes and ask him if he wanted pancakes, to which his response was always a wide-eyed, silly-faced grin of a yes.
And it was when I pulled out the frying pan and I heard the music playing in the background that I was taken back to those days. The days he would groan and whine and say he’s hungry and can’t wait for me to be finished. The days our bellies would be filled and we’d play Zelda in our underwear and I would cook and clean for the man I loved.
And then I was called into work on my day off. Only rather than feeling pleasantly plump and settled into my boyfriends arms, I felt bloated and painfully nostalgic and had little ambition to go in. Oh well.
Life didn’t really hurt until this evening though. I was trying to go to bed early, and I had the “likes” playlist on youtube going as I busied myself with my night time chores. At some point, this song came on–
It’s a compilation of Fry’s holophoner symphonies he plays throughout the show “Futurama”. My ex and I were reminiscing about the episode where Fry gives up his hands to the devil in order to acquire the devil’s robotic hands so he can play Leela a beautiful song, only as it turns out, Leela has gone deaf and cannot hear his performance. The last 22 seconds of this video destroy me. Just absolutely bring me to my knees in tears. Leela trades her deaf ears away for the devil’s ears, but Fry trades back the devil’s hands so Leela wouldn’t have to give the devil her hand [in marriage], and so this is the best Fry can manage to play for Leela now that she can hear.
There’s something about those 22 seconds that seem to be a summation of my entire year last year. There’s a feeling of resignation that is evoked, despite all the beautiful memories that live within me every day. I feel as though my memories play like a holophoner–something I see intimately amidst the sounds of my heart. And I just can’t bear to remember that this was a video I “liked” the very day he and I recalled it together. I can’t control myself when I hear those short 22 seconds reflect on our short 5 months together.
Both our love and this song seem to have lasted a lifetime in their moment, and yet every second, hour, and day since is burdened with the memory as though it happened only yesterday.