Thursday, July 19th

Dear Diary,

My boyfriend broke up with me on June 20th.  I didn’t know how to handle it at first.  I felt really pathetic.  I was crying and borderline pleading with him to do otherwise.  A couple days later my brother drove me back to my hometown in his stead.

He was supposed to come see me and spend the weekend at my family’s home.  As sad as I was I wouldn’t be seeing him for a month, I couldn’t have been more excited to share all of my memories and close people with him.  I guess if I were to be broken up with however, it was good that it was right before coming home.

Things here have been difficult.  I’m finding myself just a wretch to be around…  Even I notice myself being moodier than usual.  Mom thinks I have anger problems, but who on her side of the family doesn’t!!  It’s hard coping with the amount of stress I’ve been sort-of-not-really dealing with.  It’s easy to say, when I’m alone, that I’m going to work on being patient and not get so angry over things, but when I’m in the moment I just want to lash out and I really can’t even think enough to control myself.  I’ve always been like this I guess, but I really want to be different…  I feel bad about the way I yell at my mom.

xxxxx has been texting me a few times since he left me too, which just adds to my stress and anger.  He insists on being my friend and telling me he misses me, but everytime I get a text or think about everything we’d been through I feel hot and my face burns with every mix of anger, sadness, jealousy, and lonliness.

I dread going back to my apartment.  It will be so empty…  I don’t open up to many people in my life…  I told him more about myself than even my mother, who more or less knows everything.  I trusted him more than I ever should have and shared every part of me with him, and even though all along I knew I wasn’t getting even half of it back from him, I so desperately wanted to be with him forever…
Even now I still want to be with him.  I want to go back and just fall into his arms and cry everything away into his chest.  But I’m going home to nothing.  And if I’m going home to my so-called “friend”, I know I’ll need to set him straight.  I can’t be his safety and I can’t ever take him back… and that tears me apart…

When I look back to my 10th grade first crush, I realize how much it prepared me for this.  I was so alone then, and wasted away to nothing that summer.  I’m better now.  Better at knowing my place and accepting what has happened.  I have no choice.  It’s been 4 years–another summer, another broken heart.  I feel differently now though.  I want to make a change.  I want to SO bad.  I want to just be open about myself to everyone, without a single care or regret.  I don’t want to find myself in a position where I ever have to hurt someone the way I’ve been hurt.  I need to focus now more than ever on how I’m going to get to where I want to end up in life.  I need to put my life in order.  It’s something I’ve been ignorant of since Matt [my first crush].  Since summer ’08.  When I first realized that I hide myself away for a purpose, not just because I’m an introvert.  I have no self-confidence.  I have no ambition, no motivation.  I am an angry and bitter young person with a whole life ahead of me I’ve been refusing to embrace.  I am 20 years old and it’s about time I make a change in my life and try and be happy about something other than the absence or presence of a man.

Will I go back to dating?  Sure!  Probably sooner than later!  But this time I find self-sufficiency and contentedness on my own.  This time I have a job, friends, a life.  This time I’m in control of where I stand.

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