What is it that I want?

I wish I could ask myself this in a perfect world.  A world where I wasn’t deterred by standards of loved ones.  A world where money and security was of no object.  A world where my carefree spirit could live boundless–free from my debilitating realm of thought and reason.

I get asked by so many people around me–at work and at home–what I am going to school for?  When am I going to school?

I don’t know what to tell them.  I wish I could tell them that I’ve spent my whole life holding myself back, and until I learn to find myself and embrace the things that I want to do, I will never know what I want to be.

It sounds silly, I know.  I tried explaining to my mom the other day how I felt.  She asked, “Well, what do you want to do?

Violin, I guess.  I’ve always wanted to learn to play the violin.  I always see myself standing stoically, fiddling at the strings of my heart.  There’s something spiritual about it for me.  I feel music is a link to the soul.  I want to explore my soul.

I want to ride horses.  I’ve always had somewhat of a fear of riding.  But I want to wear riding gear and bond with a horse and learn to overcome things together with her.  Jumping and trotting and never being afraid of falling.  I will trust her strength and her ability and she will trust my judgement and my cunning.  A pseudo-relationship, if you will.  I want something to have faith in and find escape.  Something to rebuild my confidence.

I want to be elegant.  I want to be refined, but mysterious.  I don’t mind being reserved and lonely sometimes.  I like to think I have the personality of an artist!  But I want to go to social forums and have people look at me and wonder where someone like me has been hiding.  Wonder what kind of secrets my heart holds.  Wonder what my life is like.  And?  I want to have the answers.

I want to know myself better.  To know what aspects of life and creativity and culture mesh with me.  I want to live life by knowing what I want and going for it.

I live my life in hiding; fearful of people thinking that I am wasting my time.  But in the end, what am I doing as a result?


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