“It’s hard to wait around for something you know may never happen, but it’s harder when you know it’s everything you want.”
I read this quote today and thought of us. Or how I feel about how I’ve been left, rather. I hate you. Your secrets, your lies—and how I’ve been both along the way for those you love. What’s worse is that I don’t hate you at all. I’ve tried really hard. I’ve tried thinking about all the negatives, all the fights we’d had, and truthfully I don’t even recall what most were about. Sure we had our downs, but nothing had enough impact on me to forget for even one day how grateful I was to whatever karmic bone in your body made you approach me earlier this year.
Our time together has been short, and short-lived. We did little together apart from grow in each other’s company—or perhaps stagnate. And here I am relentlessly wishing you back. A part of me fully expects to return to a man who feels the same, yet I feel like I know in my heart this will never be true. It wouldn’t be the first time I were disappointed by your truths.
Aside from how bewildered I am over everything, I still just can’t wrap my head around your intentions. I just can’t seem to even ponder the idea of moving on without feeling plagued by guilt, and here you’ve been dragging me along for whatever length of time knowing full well I wasn’t even good enough for you. I say this sincerely, as it is synonymous with “someone better” being out there for you, as you put it in your letter.
How could you do this to me? My morals were weak, but nonetheless high. You knew that in my perfect world, I would live out my life with the man I chose to give myself too. How could you take such blatant advantage of that? How could you continue to sleep with me knowing we wouldn’t last? I’d spent our whole relationship struggling with that—wondering if what we were doing was right, and if what you were sharing with me was real and true. I gave you so many openings to save me the hurt you’ve ultimately caused. Every insecurity and every second guess I’d brought to light, you had one to match but continued to use me anyhow and pretend we were fine.
This is why I have struggled so desperately with you since the start. I have never trusted you, and apparently for good reason. Your life is this twisted cloud of secrets that you promised me we were free from, but part of me knew better. I always had the nagging feeling that a man with as many lies and secrets toward his own family as you would certainly have the nerve to keep a few from me.
I meant everything I said in my last letter. I love you and wish things could be as you’ve always said they’d been. And yet, despite every pain you’ve caused me, I do wish you happiness. I just don’t think that I can ever stick around to see you happy with anyone else.
Do you remember my favourite quote I shared with you once? “There is no path that lets me live my life other than this path, therefore I walk this path.” I don’t know if you’ve ever cared to understand what that means to me, so let me explain. I have read and felt this quote every time I have told someone dear to me who I am. I let myself constantly remember, that no matter what the outcome, this is the path in life I need to walk in order to be happy, and I’d be a fool to walk any other path. I am gay. All I’ve ever wanted since before I even knew what being gay meant was an honest and loyal man in my life. Whatever path you’ve been choosing to follow is clearly the wrong path for you, and I truly hope you can find it in yourself to be you someday, and keep no more secrets. Whomever you wind up with in life deserves that. You deserve that.
I don’t know what to call this letter. A goodbye? A last chance? I guess it doesn’t matter. You’ve come to your own conclusions, and have refused to be blunt and share them with me, so these are mine. I am a safe person; loyal to a fault, practical, and supportive where I need to be, even if not always in the moment. But one thing I will never be is your “safety”. If all you can commit to me is a halfway cop-out, then fine. I will say it for you. I will say goodbye.