And for what?

It is July 2nd, 2013.  Or thereabouts.  Maybe it will be a new day by the time this is posted.  Maybe it already is a new day for some who will read this.

It is 11:28, at present.  In the evening.

It is calm.  Or more so than it was a few hours earlier.  The day was tragically humid.  It quickly enveloped my world in rain and thunder and fierce winds.

And for what do these things matter?

It is July.  This month will see my beloved dog through what would have been his 15th year.  I will see my best friend towards the end of the month, and I will quickly learn that time has given us a beautiful friendship that will last for forever, but has also come to lead us in new paths.  Separate paths.

It is the 2nd.  Of no particular importance.  Though I’m not of the beautifully minded who intricately remember such a specific day on a yearly basis, it is easy for me to recall some things.  This day, 2008 I would have been intermittently playing Okami and grieving my realization of self to be something of a disappointment.  2009 I would have been replaying Okami and mourning my year that was lost to my earlier realizations.  2010 I was hiding in my house and avoiding knocks at the door from concerned friends who couldn’t get ahold of me to join them for the previous night’s Canada Day fireworks.  2011 I would have been sleeping all day to compensate for the last 9 months of working night shifts before quitting the morning of the 2nd.  2012 I was holed up at my parents spending hours debating on how I should respond to messages from my ex in regards to his missing me, but having no interest in getting back together.

I guess the 2nd of July in 2013 will forever mean something new to me.  I am still the same lost child with a deprived sense of self as I have always been, but this time around I’m trapped in a lonely city away from home.  Even my “firsts” are redundant.

And it is the 23rd hour.  An hour that has forever been my time of self-reflection.  Too late in the evening to be bothered by social nuisances.  Too early in the evening to be distracted by reading or videogames.

It is calm amidst a storm.

I am calm amidst a storm.  A storm of emotions I just don’t know how to cope with.  I am anxious and I am lost.  I trust no one.  I have faith in nothing.  I am broken beyond repair.  I don’t have the means to recover before the next storm rolls over me.

And for what do these things matter?

They serve to show me that I am entirely too involved in my depression.

What have I become?  Why am I so ashamed when I look at the person who I was 5 years ago?  4 years ago?  3 years, 2 years, 1 year ago?  Because I see that I have become nothing?  That I am the same?  That I “deal” the same way that I always have?

I don’t want this to be my reality anymore.  Maybe if I play Okami again, my life will appear differently afterwards.


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