I wonder when I became this person. I wonder for how long I have remained this person. Hell, I even wonder who this person is, but I guess that’s a musing best left for another day.
I just want to know when all my hope was lost. When I gave up on myself. When I gave up waiting for him. When I forgot what it felt like to mean something to somebody.
When the sun begins to set, so does my melancholy. It turns into dissonance. I play my mp3 as I busy myself for bed, and all there is to hear are mournful melodies I’ve acquired from video games passed and the saddest of Korean pop ballads.
I wonder when I forgot who I was. No, became who I am. No, turned into someone I am not. I don’t know. I don’t know what I am and what I mean anymore.
I have come to feel a great sense of loss for all things that used to matter to me. Some have passed on from this life, some have chosen to move on from my life, and some I have distanced my life from, but in all instances I am isolated from everything that I had come to love.
When does hope come back? When will I reconvene with my sense of self? I am broken, but the pieces are all still there. When does that mean something to me?