I’m not really sure what this is going to be about; I’m not really sure how I feel. But I need to write. It’s been a long week.
I decided, after a year of putting it off, to start watching season 5 of Breaking Bad. This was after the finale, so I could watch all 16 episodes marathon-style. Breaking Bad has for whatever reason become something I strongly identify my relationship to my ex with. It was a show we watched together. It was a story he brought into my life. I was so bitter to it without him.
I taped the first 8 episodes for us to watch together last summer. We were broken up, but I hadn’t anticipated him moving on so quickly. I thought we would keep in touch, and I would come back to the city after we had some space and watch it together. And we did. 5 episodes or so. I couldn’t really tell, because we weren’t watching the show so much as it was playing in the background as we’d brought our own struggles to light. He left for good and I gave up on it. I deleted all the episodes. Thank heavens for Netflix.
Maybe it’s silly that I get so emotional over something like this, but I feel like this show had seen us through everything. It didn’t seem fair to me that a television show was granted a finale–a conclusion–and I wasn’t. I didn’t get closure. And in a way? I identified with Walter White. Not in the sense that I’m a drug kingpin or lust for murder, but I identify with his sense of loneliness and defeat.
I feel so self-destructive. I feel like I have inadvertently gone out of my way to destroy everything in my life. And for what? I don’t even have the motive. I don’t have any money, or any sense of thrill in taking the risk. I’m not breaking bad. I’m not bad or good. I’m just alone. I feel like my life has come to a cataclysmic halt and there’s nobody left for me, so I sit in my cabin in New Hampshire and slowly rot to death.
Now that I am finally finished the show, I am at a loss. I don’t even know what to feel. I mostly just want to know what my ex feels, in regards to the last season obviously, but really just life in general.
So farewell Breaking Bad. You will always be a part of my misery. And in a weird way, I’m grateful for it. I’m now going to dissolve into nothingness and adopt your conclusion as my own.