“Nobody loves me, everybody hates me”

“Nobody loves me, everybody hates me!”  You used to chant.  Maybe you still do, but I wouldn’t really know anymore.  It had been so long since I’ve heard from you.  I miss you so much.

I couldn’t believe you called me the other night.  When I saw the caller I.D. on my phone say “***** Home”, I was in total shock!  That’s why I answered the phone with a reluctant “Hello?”.  Since it was your parents home phone calling me and not your cellphone, I instantly decided either:

A)  Your mom was worried about me as I’ve avoided all contact with her lately as well, or

B)  You broke up with your boyfriend and moved back home, obviously looking to your best friend for support once again.

A part of me really hoped it was “B”.  I was so hopeful that you’d moved back home and found yourself feeling lonely and missing me, the same way I feel about you almost every day!  I even tried fishing for the details right off the bat, but I don’t know if you noticed.

It meant a lot to me that you called me again.  A long time ago I decided that I would not go out of my way to make first contact with you, because you always wound up being too busy which made me feel so insignificant.  I also just felt weird being the one to seek out your time.  Our whole friendship, we’ve succeeded by your prying and constant seeking attention from me.  Back then, I knew that I was important to you.  Now I’m not as sure…

I know that I will always be someone you care about, and I know that you do not hold me in any negative regard, but I can’t help but feel that my friendship isn’t important to you anymore.  And I don’t know how I should expect myself to feel anything different…

If I’m not important to you anymore, I want there to be a finality to it.  I don’t want to hold onto memories of you anymore.  I don’t want to miss you and to fleetingly anticipate spending time with you and your family again if it is likely never to come true.  I don’t want to hold on to you the way I’ve been holding onto everything else that makes me sad.

Forgive me if I’m being cold.  But you’ve known me a very long time now.  You should know that I don’t abide by the formalities involved in personal relationships.  If I find myself feeling unnecessary, then I remove myself.  Please let me remove myself if I’ve become unnecessary to you.

Your chant has become my own.  Don’t torment me with your friendship if it doesn’t exist anymore.

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