I’ve been very sad lately. My heart has been barren and lonely. My mind has been distracted. Disoriented.
I’ve decided to try and keep in touch with my sub-conscious. I’m going to keep a dream diary, starting tonight. My ultimate goal is going to be lucid dreaming.
Why am I doing this? Numerous reasons I guess. I’ve always been a dreamy individual. I frequently get lost throughout the day in thought, fantasizing about anything and everything, from mundane to fantastical. There are many times I recall something that I’m sure enough is something I made up, until I start creating memories and convince myself that there’s no way that experience never happened. I relive so many memories, and recant them to people who are in them only to have them look at me in confusion. My memories are my own. My own creation, my own fantasy, my own sub-conscious.
What is real and what isn’t? What do I feel and what feelings am I misplacing? I want to know these things. I want to explore my inner self.
Ever since I were little I’ve contemplated my life and what aspects of it are real. Is it strange to realize and accept that I am capable and potentially have created a great many of my memories?
I’ve always thought to myself that if I consider myself to be aware of something, it ought to not be true. So if I am aware that I am a dreamer, if I am aware that I am a make-believer, then I am immune to actually dreaming and make-believing. If I am aware that I am sad, than how can I actually be sad?
I don’t want to feel like I am discrediting my own feelings and my own reality anymore. I want to know.
Often when I was little, I would wake up in the dead of night, positive that my bed were violently shaking even a nanosecond into my coming-to. It was always startling, but it never felt entirely threatening. Perhaps I will learn what such an experience meant for me.
Perhaps I will be able to navigate my life to the fullest, having found a deeper connection to myself and what I feel.
But to be honest, a huge part of me wants to learn to lucid dream so that I can relive and expand upon memories that I constantly yearn for. So I can go back and spend another night with someone who remains in my heart despite all the time between us. So I can visit my long-forgotten happiness by dreamlight, and slowly let my reality fade into the dissonance that was my sub-conscious.