I’ve spent a lot of the past 2 years worrying about how alone I am, and how alone I fear I will forever be. It has debilitated me, it has depressed me, and it has isolated me.
A couple months ago, one of my precious cats starting behaving differently, and fell ill a few weeks ago. And then a few days ago, her sister decided to try and pass a piece of rubber she ate months earlier and needed emergency surgery.
Between the two of them being out of commission, I feel more isolated than ever. And my responsibilities and stress have increased ten fold! And I’d just like to put into words the ways I’ve misunderstood my life over the past couple years.
1) For as long as I have lived, I have relied on nostalgia to reawaken happy feelings and warm memories within me. I become revitalized and happy and capable of making new memories to satiate future nostalgia cravings.
2) For as long as I’ve been single, I have considered myself to be “alone”.
3) For as long as I’ve been single, I have avoided embracing any happy memories, and instead have focused on constantly feeling as though everything I did would be more thoroughly enjoyed in the company of another.
I got cats because I was lonely. And I haven’t been appreciating them for their intended value, or their ultimate role in my life since I brought them into my home.
I am in a relationship with my cats.
Since they have become sick, I have been feeling nostalgia. I have been thinking of last spring when I replayed Twilight Princess and stopped to take videos of my cats curiously observing the t.v. screen or going places they shouldn’t and sassing me when I tell them to scram. Not to mention the sounds they make that sound eerily like the Twilight Realm monsters.
I have been thinking of last summer when we played Animal Crossing for weeks on end. When they would bat at my 3DS cord or take naps on or around me and immobilize my arms by resting their little faces on them.
I have been thinking of last fall when I binged on “Avatar: The Last Airbender” and “Digimon” on Netflix. I remember having one kitty come running every time I kicked the covers over my feet so she could burrow deep down into the warmth of my blankets. And I remember having the other kitty do anything and everything to escape whenever I tried to hoard her in our blankey nest.
I remember playing Paper Mario 64, GC, and Wii versions in a row just before Christmas. I remember my Wii breaking about halfway through the GC version, so I had to go play it on the gamecube in my room. I remember letting the girls into my room, normally a kitty-free zone, because I was lonely without them and felt bad knowing they were sitting at the door waiting for me to come out.
I remember playing Wind Waker HD and taking breaks to make tea. And of course I remember my cats urgently running to supervise me, as they must know I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to tea!
My life is so incredibly mundane. But I’m sharing that with two special little fur babies. They are the company I seek. They are the one’s who have sat by me, chirped with me, played at my feet (and with my feet!), and ultimately been the one’s to share all of my nostalgia with as of late.
I keep the best company. I can’t wait for my babies to feel better so we can play more video games, take more videos, and make new and happy memories.
I don’t need a boyfriend. I honestly don’t even want one.
Next on my to do list? Force feed my brain Pokémon on Netflix while baking cookies with my cats.