I am almost 22 years old. I know, I know, that is still so young, but in the eyes of a 22 year old such as myself, I can’t help but notice how much time I’ve wasted since I graduated high school in 2010.
I’ve seen friends go through University, many of which are finishing with the next year. I’ve seen classmates get married and have a child, some of them even two children by now! I have seen happiness, and successes, and travels… and I have seen them all through the screen of my laptop.
I deleted my Facebook account about 6 months ago because I was sick of comparing my reality and my happiness to others.
I remember when I was still in high school, all I ever thought I wanted for myself was a husband who would love me and children I could raise and love. But that was never enough for anybody. All I ever heard was that I’m stupid to think I can rely on that kind of future, and that it will never happen for someone like me. And maybe that’s true, I thought. So eventually I guess I just let that fantasy go. After all, it was just a fantasy. I moved to the city and enrolled in University for a year. Of course it never lasted, as I wasn’t happy going to school and felt aimless as I didn’t know what path I wanted to pursue.
But today, for the first time in a long time, I thought about what I wanted again. And once again, I thought to myself that I just want to nest.
I want to build a home. I want to kiss someone special in the morning and send them on their way. I want to rouse his children from their beds and make their every morning special. I want to spend my day alone, exercising, cleaning, baking–nesting. I want to welcome a beautiful family home to their paradise every day. Let them know I love them and embrace the knowledge that I have people to love me back.
I don’t want a lot. I just want that. And it’s easy for people to persuade me into believing that that is just me being lazy and wanting someone to take care of me, but I really don’t think that is what this is at all. In fact, I know that this is what I want because it is me who wants to take care of someone. Maybe it’s a simple dream and maybe I should expect more from myself, but this is how I picture myself when I’m at my happiest. At home. A home that I made for people that I love.