What I’ve always wanted

I am almost 22 years old.  I know, I know, that is still so young, but in the eyes of a 22 year old such as myself, I can’t help but notice how much time I’ve wasted since I graduated high school in 2010.

I’ve seen friends go through University, many of which are finishing with the next year.  I’ve seen classmates get married and have a child, some of them even two children by now!  I have seen happiness, and successes, and travels… and I have seen them all through the screen of my laptop.

I deleted my Facebook account about 6 months ago because I was sick of comparing my reality and my happiness to others.

I remember when I was still in high school, all I ever thought I wanted for myself was a husband who would love me and children I could raise and love.  But that was never enough for anybody.  All I ever heard was that I’m stupid to think I can rely on that kind of future, and that it will never happen for someone like me.  And maybe that’s true, I thought.  So eventually I guess I just let that fantasy go.  After all, it was just a fantasy.  I moved to the city and enrolled in University for a year.  Of course it never lasted, as I wasn’t happy going to school and felt aimless as I didn’t know what path I wanted to pursue.

But today, for the first time in a long time, I thought about what I wanted again.  And once again, I thought to myself that I just want to nest.

I want to build a home.  I want to kiss someone special in the morning and send them on their way.  I want to rouse his children from their beds and make their every morning special.  I want to spend my day alone, exercising, cleaning, baking–nesting.  I want to welcome a beautiful family home to their paradise every day.  Let them know I love them and embrace the knowledge that I have people to love me back.

I don’t want a lot.  I just want that.  And it’s easy for people to persuade me into believing that that is just me being lazy and wanting someone to take care of me, but I really don’t think that is what this is at all.  In fact, I know that this is what I want because it is me who wants to take care of someone.  Maybe it’s a simple dream and maybe I should expect more from myself, but this is how I picture myself when I’m at my happiest.  At home.  A home that I made for people that I love.

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