Please state your given name

I remember a time when my world was something I would have envied, should it not already have been mine.  Sure, I’ve always been prudent, but somehow I’d never questioned who I was or what I liked.  I feel like in a way, I was confident in myself, but never outside of myself.

Life sure was easy as a kid, I definitely don’t deny this.  The further back I look into time, the easier it was for me to connect to people, and to adventure and imagine and create.  I wasn’t struggling with my identity as a medium, I was wielding it as a looking glass.

Some days I’d like to see life through those eyes again.  Maybe I would become inspired… reinvigorated with my sense of self and desire to humour the unfamiliar.

“a positive thinker and a mind of his own                                                                                                    outgoing, adventurous and one who dares to                                                                                             be different and be his own man                                                                                                                  will go the extra mile for a friend, or to                                                                                                        have others say ‘job well done’                                                                                                                      sharp, witty and clever of speech, words                                                                                                     flow from him                                                                                                                                                    loves the challenge of the unknown, testing                                                                                                both his body and soul                                                                                                                                    a lover of life and his freedom”

This quotation has been framed in my bedroom for as long as I can remember.  It is quoted beneath my given name, so I presume it is laid out as my destiny of sorts.  The meaning behind my name; my birthright.

I remember as a boy, I would read this quote often, and somehow it would always reaffirm how I felt about myself.  I would go down the lines and nod in approval, or smile at the idea of something greater designating me of all people to be this charmed, extraordinary person.

I almost find it funny how confident I was in myself back then.  So much as to even think of myself as this princely child who’s cards always fell in line–my karmic destiny a force to be reckoned with.  But I was humble and gracious.  At least that’s how I remember myself!!

Now I read this quote and I couldn’t feel more distant.  This quote does not describe me.  This has not become my destiny.  And yet that is still my name.  I feel betrayed by the universe in many ways.  My identity has escaped me and my confidence has been pilfered by an illness I am reluctant to address.  What is the use in naming it?  It seems to me a name is but a vestige of deceit.


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