Category Archives: Summer/Fall Journal ’12

Entries from my 2012 summer through fall journal. Looking back through them one at a time to see if I’ve made any emotional progress.

Thursday, June 20th, 2013 — The next day of the rest of my life.

It has been one year since you left me.

My day has gone better than I’d expected.  I’ve been busy though, so maybe it’s just been a distraction.  In the year since you’ve left me, a lot of my better days have been due to distraction.

I’ve been thinking about writing to you on this day for the better part of the year now, and my heart has pulled me in many different directions, but now that the day is here, I’m really at a loss of what to say apart from… you broke me.  You really and truly left my heart and my soul in shambles.  Out of the past 365 days, I have only seen you on a handful of them.  And yet, I have felt the ramnifications of your past decisions throughout every single passing moment.

I am not angry anymore.  I hardly even feel flustered when I think about the opportunities you passed up with me in favour of someone new.  I remember being on the verge of working myself into an episode a couple of weeks ago, but the moment passed, and my day went forth.  That’s not to say I am no longer sad, or burdened.  Of course I am sad.  Your absence from my life will be a burden for as long as I love you, and the kind of love I feel for you never really goes away.  But I am not angry with your decisions anymore.  I am not angry with my current situation anymore.  And I guess that’s really as good as it gets!

I wish that I had the strength to reach out to you again and see what your life looks like today.  If I’d known back then what I know now however, I would have never been in touch with you at all since the day you left me.  I’m not over you, and reintroducing you to my life now would only stand to prove it.

I think I might start writing to you less.  Maybe even altogether.  I’ve run out of things to say to you, really.  It doesn’t help that you do not receive any of these anonymous letters in the first place.  Perhaps someday I will direct you to this site, but then I realize that’s not doing either of us any good.

If I could have done right by you… I think that I would have told you from day one why you could never be my friend–and for reasons so much more than just the pain of seeing you happy without me.  I just know that friendship is something I could never have attained from you after all was said and done.  In some respects, I feel like I never truly was your friend in the first place.  It wasn’t fair to put either of us through the same relationship we’d just been through only to have it sullied by a label far less sacred.

And that’s what my life’s struggle has been this past year.  Coming to terms with what I’ve known all along, but been far too terrified to admit.  I don’t want you in my life.  I didn’t want to prolong what was inevitable.  And now I understand that, no matter what we could have shared, no matter what I feel I missed out on, no matter what that second chance would have created, I would still be alone.  I would still have your back turned towards me.

The very first time I ever saw you, I was closing the door of your car as I tucked my legs inside and laughed at your nervous joke about my height.  The very last time I saw you, you were closing the door to my apartment as your nervous stare disappeared behind the crack of light from the hallway outside.  One thing has never changed in all this time, xxxxx.  I can know everything there is to know about you, and yet still know nothing about you at all.

For the first time, I think this really is goodbye.  The day you left me was the first day of the rest of my life, and today feels something like the second.

Thursday, June 21st

xxxxx,

I have spent the last 5 months with you.  Quite the empty statement, right?  Maybe so.  But we both know that my interpretation of our relationship and our time together has at times lacked in clarity.  What I can say, despite everything—my issues with trust, our subsequent squabbles, the difficulty it takes for me to decipher which of my feelings I should bring to you and which are just me being oversensitive—I truly believe I have fallen for you along the way.  Being here now, knowing that we’re not together… well I just feel broken.  And so confused, more so than anything.  I feel like I’ve just been coming into a safer place with you, and out of nowhere you’re gone.  I really didn’t have any warning; I didn’t get the same courtesy you expected from me.  You told me that whenever I’m unsure, whenever I feel hurt or upset, I need to tell you so we can work it out.  Why didn’t I get to know you were hurting, and stressed, and unsure?  Why didn’t I get the opportunity to tell you that, yes, while I do push the idea of you telling your family, I’m not in a place yet where I can’t find common ground with you.  I was okay with waiting with you.

Take a look at my life.  Before you, I never really went anywhere.  I’m comfortable being cooped up.  I was happy, variably at worst.  I was happy laying with you, watching movies, letting you show me shows you liked, and just talking about anything.  I know I’ve been upset by you.  I know that I did expect to be able to find more from a relationship than what I do on my own time.  I know that I’d been a miserable fool in making you feel like you owed me anything more than you could offer.  But if we’d just talked and found clarity, if I’d known how much damage I’d done, in a heartbeat I know that having you in my life means infinitely more than having your family and friends in my life.  I would have been prepared to make every effort to back off.

That being said, that effort on my half would have needed to be accompanied by effort on your half too.  An effort that would entail you realizing that trust may not come easy from someone in my position, and making accommodations thusly.  A relationship takes effort.  Especially a relationship like ours.  As of recent, I guess I’ve learned that maybe you’re not prepared to make that effort.  Or maybe I misunderstood that.  The purpose of me writing this letter is for me to make sense of where I’m at and try really hard to not put words in your mouth.

I guess what I need from you, if not a loving companion, is honest answers.  I really, truly need to know where your head is at—no secrets.  I need to know if you really love me, and if you really intend to just “sort your life out and find a place where you can be someone I deserve”, as you put it.  Conversely, I need to know if that was bullshit.  I’m not accusing you, I’m just making sure one final time that you’re sure about how you feel, and that those feelings were the ones relayed to me the other night.  You left me so confused.  I don’t know what we are right now.  You say you truly love me and you hope to be with me again when you’re ready, but as simple as that sounds, I have no idea what that means.  Are we “broken up”?  Are we “on a break”?  And do either of those make the difference of continued loyalty and commitment between us despite the circumstances?  Or does it mean, given the opportunity, you will date other men or women?  This is something I seriously need to know, and I need you to know that no matter what emotion I attach to either answer, the truth is the answer that’s best for me, and you know it, and you know I deserve it.

Regardless, I do want you to remember that I love you, enough so that I will try and wait for you until you’re ready for whatever it is you’re searching for in this decision.  With this promise also comes the expectation that I’m not waiting on something you never meant in the first place.  Again, I am not accusing you.  But if you want to wait for me too, tell me.  If you have no intention to, by gosh tell me so I can pick myself up and move on.  And most importantly, if you don’t know, let me now.  Because if you don’t know whether you love me or want to be with me, I would hope you at least take this time apart from me, and take it without the accompaniment of new relationships.  Take your time if you’re not sure, and figure out if I’m someone you want to take a chance with before you blow your chance with me.

And finally, know that I can’t wait around forever.  It was one thing to wait for you while you were with me, but I can only wait for you for so long while apart.  If everything you’ve told me is true—that you love me, still want to be my lover, and still want to be with me as we were someday—than I can try striving for friendship with you in the meantime, given you truly don’t want me out of your life.  But I just need so many answers from you, and I truly hope you respect me enough to give me the real answers, regardless of any fears you have of hurting me.

I don’t know where to go from here, I suppose it’s your turn.  No matter how this ends up, even if I may be upset in the moment, I’m writing in perfect clarity right now that I love you and hope the best for you in everything in life.  And I really do hope you can own up to your feelings and strive for an open and honest relationship with your family and friends someday; maybe then you can find the trust you seek from a relationship.

I love you and appreciate your giving me this opportunity and your complete honesty;

-Blue

Saturday, June 30th

xxxxx,

“It’s hard to wait around for something you know may never happen, but it’s harder when you know it’s everything you want.”

I read this quote today and thought of us.  Or how I feel about how I’ve been left, rather.  I hate you.  Your secrets, your lies—and how I’ve been both along the way for those you love.  What’s worse is that I don’t hate you at all.  I’ve tried really hard.  I’ve tried thinking about all the negatives, all the fights we’d had, and truthfully I don’t even recall what most were about.  Sure we had our downs, but nothing had enough impact on me to forget for even one day how grateful I was to whatever karmic bone in your body made you approach me earlier this year.

Our time together has been short, and short-lived.  We did little together apart from grow in each other’s company—or perhaps stagnate.  And here I am relentlessly wishing you back.  A part of me fully expects to return to a man who feels the same, yet I feel like I know in my heart this will never be true.   It wouldn’t be the first time I were disappointed by your truths.

Aside from how bewildered I am over everything, I still just can’t wrap my head around your intentions.  I just can’t seem to even ponder the idea of moving on without feeling plagued by guilt, and here you’ve been dragging me along for whatever length of time knowing full well I wasn’t even good enough for you.  I say this sincerely, as it is synonymous with “someone better” being out there for you, as you put it in your letter.

How could you do this to me?  My morals were weak, but nonetheless high.  You knew that in my perfect world, I would live out my life with the man I chose to give myself too.  How could you take such blatant advantage of that?  How could you continue to sleep with me knowing we wouldn’t last?  I’d spent our whole relationship struggling with that—wondering if what we were doing was right, and if what you were sharing with me was real and true.  I gave you so many openings to save me the hurt you’ve ultimately caused.  Every insecurity and every second guess I’d brought to light, you had one to match but continued to use me anyhow and pretend we were fine.

This is why I have struggled so desperately with you since the start.  I have never trusted you, and apparently for good reason.  Your life is this twisted cloud of secrets that you promised me we were free from, but part of me knew better.  I always had the nagging feeling that a man with as many lies and secrets toward his own family as you would certainly have the nerve to keep a few from me.

I meant everything I said in my last letter.  I love you and wish things could be as you’ve always said they’d been.  And yet, despite every pain you’ve caused me, I do wish you happiness.  I just don’t think that I can ever stick around to see you happy with anyone else.

Do you remember my favourite quote I shared with you once?  “There is no path that lets me live my life other than this path, therefore I walk this path.”  I don’t know if you’ve ever cared to understand what that means to me, so let me explain.  I have read and felt this quote every time I have told someone dear to me who I am.  I let myself constantly remember, that no matter what the outcome, this is the path in life I need to walk in order to be happy, and I’d be a fool to walk any other path.  I am gay.  All I’ve ever wanted since before I even knew what being gay meant was an honest and loyal man in my life.  Whatever path you’ve been choosing to follow is clearly the wrong path for you, and I truly hope you can find it in yourself to be you someday, and keep no more secrets.  Whomever you wind up with in life deserves that.  You deserve that.

I don’t know what to call this letter.  A goodbye?  A last chance?  I guess it doesn’t matter.  You’ve come to your own conclusions, and have refused to be blunt and share them with me, so these are mine.  I am a safe person; loyal to a fault, practical, and supportive where I need to be, even if not always in the moment.  But one thing I will never be is your “safety”.  If all you can commit to me is a halfway cop-out, then fine.  I will say it for you.  I will say goodbye.

Thursday, July 19th

Dear Diary,

My boyfriend broke up with me on June 20th.  I didn’t know how to handle it at first.  I felt really pathetic.  I was crying and borderline pleading with him to do otherwise.  A couple days later my brother drove me back to my hometown in his stead.

He was supposed to come see me and spend the weekend at my family’s home.  As sad as I was I wouldn’t be seeing him for a month, I couldn’t have been more excited to share all of my memories and close people with him.  I guess if I were to be broken up with however, it was good that it was right before coming home.

Things here have been difficult.  I’m finding myself just a wretch to be around…  Even I notice myself being moodier than usual.  Mom thinks I have anger problems, but who on her side of the family doesn’t!!  It’s hard coping with the amount of stress I’ve been sort-of-not-really dealing with.  It’s easy to say, when I’m alone, that I’m going to work on being patient and not get so angry over things, but when I’m in the moment I just want to lash out and I really can’t even think enough to control myself.  I’ve always been like this I guess, but I really want to be different…  I feel bad about the way I yell at my mom.

xxxxx has been texting me a few times since he left me too, which just adds to my stress and anger.  He insists on being my friend and telling me he misses me, but everytime I get a text or think about everything we’d been through I feel hot and my face burns with every mix of anger, sadness, jealousy, and lonliness.

I dread going back to my apartment.  It will be so empty…  I don’t open up to many people in my life…  I told him more about myself than even my mother, who more or less knows everything.  I trusted him more than I ever should have and shared every part of me with him, and even though all along I knew I wasn’t getting even half of it back from him, I so desperately wanted to be with him forever…
Even now I still want to be with him.  I want to go back and just fall into his arms and cry everything away into his chest.  But I’m going home to nothing.  And if I’m going home to my so-called “friend”, I know I’ll need to set him straight.  I can’t be his safety and I can’t ever take him back… and that tears me apart…

When I look back to my 10th grade first crush, I realize how much it prepared me for this.  I was so alone then, and wasted away to nothing that summer.  I’m better now.  Better at knowing my place and accepting what has happened.  I have no choice.  It’s been 4 years–another summer, another broken heart.  I feel differently now though.  I want to make a change.  I want to SO bad.  I want to just be open about myself to everyone, without a single care or regret.  I don’t want to find myself in a position where I ever have to hurt someone the way I’ve been hurt.  I need to focus now more than ever on how I’m going to get to where I want to end up in life.  I need to put my life in order.  It’s something I’ve been ignorant of since Matt [my first crush].  Since summer ’08.  When I first realized that I hide myself away for a purpose, not just because I’m an introvert.  I have no self-confidence.  I have no ambition, no motivation.  I am an angry and bitter young person with a whole life ahead of me I’ve been refusing to embrace.  I am 20 years old and it’s about time I make a change in my life and try and be happy about something other than the absence or presence of a man.

Will I go back to dating?  Sure!  Probably sooner than later!  But this time I find self-sufficiency and contentedness on my own.  This time I have a job, friends, a life.  This time I’m in control of where I stand.

Sunday, July 22nd

I’ve noticed a specific trend with how I’ve been handling this break up so far–I haven’t been!!

I think that I am strong and have already moved past him one minute, and the next I’m all alone looking at pictures of him on my phone feeling hopeless and devastated.
Why do I miss him so much? He was so insensitive and used me for a long time… Why is that hard to move on from? Do I still love him??

I’m so scatterbrained about all of this. My attention span is minimal, and I’ve noticed myself sullenly asking people to repeat themselves like a million times lately.  I can’t seem to decide what is best for me right now!

GAH.

Tuesday, July 24th

I love him.  I love him more than I could have ever even realized while I was still with him.  And why?  He didn’t let me.

I am so intoxicated with him.  I wanted to know everything about him, and experience everything with him.  I wanted, and still want, so desperately, to be a part of him in every way.

He never let me…  He never let me be a part of his social circle; meet his family and friends.  He never let me see things with him, or even through him.  He was distant, and ruthless in keeping me a separate variable in his life.  I just wanted to be his everything the way he had become mine.  I just wanted to know that I was worth being someone important to him infront of the side of his life he kept from me.

I didn’t know I could ever fall so fleetingly for someone.  I didn’t know that I’d come into a place where I never anticipated him ever not being in my life, and I’m so sad now.

I don’t know why I am not what he needs.  I don’t know what I did.  I don’t know why I am not the person he needs in his life anymore.
I really wanted everything for him, and for us.  I just wanted us to be real and be in love, surrounded by the people that loved us.  I just wanted to be acknowledged.  All I’ve ever wanted is to just be acknowledged…

How do I move past this?  How do I live my life knowing that this man has chosen to live his next to someone else?  How can I bear this any longer?

——————————————

How do I ever kiss another man, and see his naked body, and accept his warmth and intimacy, when I will never relent the memories of you…
Why do I love you so endlessly?

Thursday, July 26th

Happy 6 Months.

Half a year.  Half a year I’ve come to love you, and rely on you, and treasure you as my closest friend and companion.

I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.  I feel like in 6 months we’ve built up a complex bridge of memories, and happiness, and sadness, and mistakes between us.  A whole lifetime of feelings exploding within such a small frame of time.  This is beautiful to me.  This is everything to me.

On our 6 months, I want you to know that it’s okay to get overwhelmed and worried.  I am here.  I am always here.  I don’t leave the people I’ve accepted into my most intimate realm.  I can’t even when I try.
You are a part of me now, be it for better or worse.

On our 6 months, I want you to know that I am always thinking of you.  I always wonder what you wonder.  Like a child I look at you through curious eyes, thirsting for your answers.   You are still a secret to me, and I long to spend my life figuring you out.

On our 6 months, I look back at what has taken us to where we are, and I am at peace.  I am in love with what we are.  I am in love with the choices we’ve made and the battles we’ve fought and the grounds we’ve covered.  I am in love with you.

On our 6 months, I see where we can go, but I don’t want to picture a thing anymore.  I want to discover whatever life we can dig up together, and embrace it.  I want us to share this life together, whatever this life may be.

On our 6 months I smile and realize you are someone who has affected me like no other.  I don’t want to live my life around you or for you or in spite of you.  In fact, I want to live it with you.  With you right beside me.  My best friend.

—————————————–

Why am I the only one who feels this way.  What could you have been feeling that made you betray all of our feelings as you have?