Tag Archives: acceptance

Note to self:

I wasn’t aware it’s been over a year now since I’ve posted anything here. I haven’t felt inspired to write for quite some time.  And even though things have been hard for me, instead I’d like to write about someone else’s struggle.  I’m sure I will never truly know why things happened the way they did, but on some level I am deeply sympathetic to Park Bom, and 2NE1’s disbandment makes perfect sense to me.

News of Bom’s “drug scandal” (not what I’d call it, but what I think doesn’t matter in context) changed things forever for 2NE1. The criticism from people was unreal, and given the drug she had brought into the country was an anti-depressant, it’s obvious she was already in a vulnerable state of mind.  The group was put on hiatus, and eventually Minzy left the group entirely to pursue her own interests.  To think of what it felt like for Bom at this time is much like taking a look at my own life.  How could she not blame herself for this?  The whole world was looking for someone to accept responsibility, and well-intentioned or not, the things people were saying were destructive.  Destructive to her and her heart.

I know this because I’ve been there. Every day I combat my own feelings of my mistakes and my shortcomings, and I’m sure Bom does too.  But other people’s opinions weigh heavily on our minds, and even things that are said in support of us will sometimes have just the opposite effect.

It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault that 2NE1 broke up. Maybe it was CL’s fault, and YG’s too. Their favoring her marketing and solo debut detracted too much from everyone else and made disbandment the easiest option.  Maybe it was Minzy’s fault.  Being impatient and unsupportive and wanting to distance herself.  Or maybe it’s our faults; Blackjacks and society in general.  Maybe life happened, and 2NE1 suddenly found themselves at different places emotionally.  Can we blame CL for having incredible potential?  Can we blame YG for helping her and focusing on her while the group is on hiatus?  Can we blame Minzy for being driven and not wanting to waste another moment she could be using to invest in herself and her future?  We can, but all the while Bom is listening and her heart is hurting, because at the root of all the blame is someone who feels there is no one to blame but herself.

YG has stated Bom was 2NE1’s undoing, and on the surface perhaps this is true. But maybe instead of blaming her or anyone else involved, we should just be accepting.  Accepting of 3 young women (shout out to Dara!) who are ready to face the world and make themselves proud.  And accepting of another young woman who has faced more criticism than anyone ever should, and recognize that her flaws are our own.  Does anyone know how this makes her feel?

We all make mistakes. We all feel inadequate.  We all feel flawed.

We are all Park Bom.

My chains.

I think that I am sad.  Perpetually, perhaps.  I think that I do not feel the capacity to be happy without him in my life.  That is sad.

I’m in a lot of turmoil.  Every day brings new opportunities, new horizons, new faces, but I am restrained.  It’s a tough pill to swallow–knowing that you are holding yourself back, but not being able to change that.  I am bound by chains he never freed me from.  And I’m sure it wasn’t intentional.  I think he was a good person–albeit a lost one.  I don’t even dare to say it’s his fault anymore.  He’s allowed to find what he was missing.  He’s allowed to explore this world and discover the kind of person he will become.  I am allowed to do this as well.

I think that there are many things I wish I could be doing.  I am so underdeveloped in my life.  I am lacking in an environment I should be thriving in.  I feel silly even typing this because I know I could be pursuing something I’ve always wanted to do right in this very moment, yet here I am, pitying myself.

I posted an entry from my summer journal on my blog today.  Apparently on July 19th I had already come to understand what our breakup meant for me, and where I was going to take myself.  I feel like I was perhaps on the right path for awhile.  I remember when I returned to the city after the summer–my kittens in tow–I was ready to start a new life.  I was feeling comfortable in my own skin for the first time ever, and my outlook on life was rivalled by only the sun making it’s first break through the downtown core in the early hours of the morning.  I look back fondly at this time.  I remember applying for my job and being really excited about being hired.  I remember surprising myself at how quickly I was settling into a new life in the city.

It all kind of… stopped.  It stopped when I had him over to visit late August.  It stopped when we kissed and touched and found eachother in a mess of blankets in my bedroom once again.  It stopped when he continued to touch me and flirt with me and seduce me inbetween fawning over his new relationship.  It stopped when he made me feel disgust for myself again.  When he made my body and my mind feel exhausted and used again.  When he stopped talking to me, and started, and stopped, and started, and stopped.

And here I am blaming him again.  It’s not really his fault.  It’s mine.  It’s mine for knowing that I am vulnerable, and allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of a man who saw that vulnerability as something fit to be toyed with.

It’s my fault that it has been so long since I’ve known my own heart.  It’s my fault.

And it’s good for me to realize this.  Self-hating.  Self-blaming.  In this instance it is good, because in this instance it is allowing me to see that where I am right now is where I’ve left myself in the wake of everything that has happened.  He did not leave me like this–I left myself like this.

I am not ready to be with someone.  I am a fool to always be so heavy hearted.

I am on the verge of rising to my feet once again.  Like a young fawn, my knees will wobble, and they will buckle, but I will learn to stand for myself someday.  And no, I can’t say when that day will come, but that is alright for now.  I have accepted my circumstance.

The next person I fall in love with will be myself, and that is a commitment I can make without another’s presence, validation, or trust.

I validate myself.  I trust myself.

Thursday, July 19th

Dear Diary,

My boyfriend broke up with me on June 20th.  I didn’t know how to handle it at first.  I felt really pathetic.  I was crying and borderline pleading with him to do otherwise.  A couple days later my brother drove me back to my hometown in his stead.

He was supposed to come see me and spend the weekend at my family’s home.  As sad as I was I wouldn’t be seeing him for a month, I couldn’t have been more excited to share all of my memories and close people with him.  I guess if I were to be broken up with however, it was good that it was right before coming home.

Things here have been difficult.  I’m finding myself just a wretch to be around…  Even I notice myself being moodier than usual.  Mom thinks I have anger problems, but who on her side of the family doesn’t!!  It’s hard coping with the amount of stress I’ve been sort-of-not-really dealing with.  It’s easy to say, when I’m alone, that I’m going to work on being patient and not get so angry over things, but when I’m in the moment I just want to lash out and I really can’t even think enough to control myself.  I’ve always been like this I guess, but I really want to be different…  I feel bad about the way I yell at my mom.

xxxxx has been texting me a few times since he left me too, which just adds to my stress and anger.  He insists on being my friend and telling me he misses me, but everytime I get a text or think about everything we’d been through I feel hot and my face burns with every mix of anger, sadness, jealousy, and lonliness.

I dread going back to my apartment.  It will be so empty…  I don’t open up to many people in my life…  I told him more about myself than even my mother, who more or less knows everything.  I trusted him more than I ever should have and shared every part of me with him, and even though all along I knew I wasn’t getting even half of it back from him, I so desperately wanted to be with him forever…
Even now I still want to be with him.  I want to go back and just fall into his arms and cry everything away into his chest.  But I’m going home to nothing.  And if I’m going home to my so-called “friend”, I know I’ll need to set him straight.  I can’t be his safety and I can’t ever take him back… and that tears me apart…

When I look back to my 10th grade first crush, I realize how much it prepared me for this.  I was so alone then, and wasted away to nothing that summer.  I’m better now.  Better at knowing my place and accepting what has happened.  I have no choice.  It’s been 4 years–another summer, another broken heart.  I feel differently now though.  I want to make a change.  I want to SO bad.  I want to just be open about myself to everyone, without a single care or regret.  I don’t want to find myself in a position where I ever have to hurt someone the way I’ve been hurt.  I need to focus now more than ever on how I’m going to get to where I want to end up in life.  I need to put my life in order.  It’s something I’ve been ignorant of since Matt [my first crush].  Since summer ’08.  When I first realized that I hide myself away for a purpose, not just because I’m an introvert.  I have no self-confidence.  I have no ambition, no motivation.  I am an angry and bitter young person with a whole life ahead of me I’ve been refusing to embrace.  I am 20 years old and it’s about time I make a change in my life and try and be happy about something other than the absence or presence of a man.

Will I go back to dating?  Sure!  Probably sooner than later!  But this time I find self-sufficiency and contentedness on my own.  This time I have a job, friends, a life.  This time I’m in control of where I stand.