Tag Archives: breakup

Thursday, June 20th, 2013 — The next day of the rest of my life.

It has been one year since you left me.

My day has gone better than I’d expected.  I’ve been busy though, so maybe it’s just been a distraction.  In the year since you’ve left me, a lot of my better days have been due to distraction.

I’ve been thinking about writing to you on this day for the better part of the year now, and my heart has pulled me in many different directions, but now that the day is here, I’m really at a loss of what to say apart from… you broke me.  You really and truly left my heart and my soul in shambles.  Out of the past 365 days, I have only seen you on a handful of them.  And yet, I have felt the ramnifications of your past decisions throughout every single passing moment.

I am not angry anymore.  I hardly even feel flustered when I think about the opportunities you passed up with me in favour of someone new.  I remember being on the verge of working myself into an episode a couple of weeks ago, but the moment passed, and my day went forth.  That’s not to say I am no longer sad, or burdened.  Of course I am sad.  Your absence from my life will be a burden for as long as I love you, and the kind of love I feel for you never really goes away.  But I am not angry with your decisions anymore.  I am not angry with my current situation anymore.  And I guess that’s really as good as it gets!

I wish that I had the strength to reach out to you again and see what your life looks like today.  If I’d known back then what I know now however, I would have never been in touch with you at all since the day you left me.  I’m not over you, and reintroducing you to my life now would only stand to prove it.

I think I might start writing to you less.  Maybe even altogether.  I’ve run out of things to say to you, really.  It doesn’t help that you do not receive any of these anonymous letters in the first place.  Perhaps someday I will direct you to this site, but then I realize that’s not doing either of us any good.

If I could have done right by you… I think that I would have told you from day one why you could never be my friend–and for reasons so much more than just the pain of seeing you happy without me.  I just know that friendship is something I could never have attained from you after all was said and done.  In some respects, I feel like I never truly was your friend in the first place.  It wasn’t fair to put either of us through the same relationship we’d just been through only to have it sullied by a label far less sacred.

And that’s what my life’s struggle has been this past year.  Coming to terms with what I’ve known all along, but been far too terrified to admit.  I don’t want you in my life.  I didn’t want to prolong what was inevitable.  And now I understand that, no matter what we could have shared, no matter what I feel I missed out on, no matter what that second chance would have created, I would still be alone.  I would still have your back turned towards me.

The very first time I ever saw you, I was closing the door of your car as I tucked my legs inside and laughed at your nervous joke about my height.  The very last time I saw you, you were closing the door to my apartment as your nervous stare disappeared behind the crack of light from the hallway outside.  One thing has never changed in all this time, xxxxx.  I can know everything there is to know about you, and yet still know nothing about you at all.

For the first time, I think this really is goodbye.  The day you left me was the first day of the rest of my life, and today feels something like the second.

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Thursday, June 21st

xxxxx,

I have spent the last 5 months with you.  Quite the empty statement, right?  Maybe so.  But we both know that my interpretation of our relationship and our time together has at times lacked in clarity.  What I can say, despite everything—my issues with trust, our subsequent squabbles, the difficulty it takes for me to decipher which of my feelings I should bring to you and which are just me being oversensitive—I truly believe I have fallen for you along the way.  Being here now, knowing that we’re not together… well I just feel broken.  And so confused, more so than anything.  I feel like I’ve just been coming into a safer place with you, and out of nowhere you’re gone.  I really didn’t have any warning; I didn’t get the same courtesy you expected from me.  You told me that whenever I’m unsure, whenever I feel hurt or upset, I need to tell you so we can work it out.  Why didn’t I get to know you were hurting, and stressed, and unsure?  Why didn’t I get the opportunity to tell you that, yes, while I do push the idea of you telling your family, I’m not in a place yet where I can’t find common ground with you.  I was okay with waiting with you.

Take a look at my life.  Before you, I never really went anywhere.  I’m comfortable being cooped up.  I was happy, variably at worst.  I was happy laying with you, watching movies, letting you show me shows you liked, and just talking about anything.  I know I’ve been upset by you.  I know that I did expect to be able to find more from a relationship than what I do on my own time.  I know that I’d been a miserable fool in making you feel like you owed me anything more than you could offer.  But if we’d just talked and found clarity, if I’d known how much damage I’d done, in a heartbeat I know that having you in my life means infinitely more than having your family and friends in my life.  I would have been prepared to make every effort to back off.

That being said, that effort on my half would have needed to be accompanied by effort on your half too.  An effort that would entail you realizing that trust may not come easy from someone in my position, and making accommodations thusly.  A relationship takes effort.  Especially a relationship like ours.  As of recent, I guess I’ve learned that maybe you’re not prepared to make that effort.  Or maybe I misunderstood that.  The purpose of me writing this letter is for me to make sense of where I’m at and try really hard to not put words in your mouth.

I guess what I need from you, if not a loving companion, is honest answers.  I really, truly need to know where your head is at—no secrets.  I need to know if you really love me, and if you really intend to just “sort your life out and find a place where you can be someone I deserve”, as you put it.  Conversely, I need to know if that was bullshit.  I’m not accusing you, I’m just making sure one final time that you’re sure about how you feel, and that those feelings were the ones relayed to me the other night.  You left me so confused.  I don’t know what we are right now.  You say you truly love me and you hope to be with me again when you’re ready, but as simple as that sounds, I have no idea what that means.  Are we “broken up”?  Are we “on a break”?  And do either of those make the difference of continued loyalty and commitment between us despite the circumstances?  Or does it mean, given the opportunity, you will date other men or women?  This is something I seriously need to know, and I need you to know that no matter what emotion I attach to either answer, the truth is the answer that’s best for me, and you know it, and you know I deserve it.

Regardless, I do want you to remember that I love you, enough so that I will try and wait for you until you’re ready for whatever it is you’re searching for in this decision.  With this promise also comes the expectation that I’m not waiting on something you never meant in the first place.  Again, I am not accusing you.  But if you want to wait for me too, tell me.  If you have no intention to, by gosh tell me so I can pick myself up and move on.  And most importantly, if you don’t know, let me now.  Because if you don’t know whether you love me or want to be with me, I would hope you at least take this time apart from me, and take it without the accompaniment of new relationships.  Take your time if you’re not sure, and figure out if I’m someone you want to take a chance with before you blow your chance with me.

And finally, know that I can’t wait around forever.  It was one thing to wait for you while you were with me, but I can only wait for you for so long while apart.  If everything you’ve told me is true—that you love me, still want to be my lover, and still want to be with me as we were someday—than I can try striving for friendship with you in the meantime, given you truly don’t want me out of your life.  But I just need so many answers from you, and I truly hope you respect me enough to give me the real answers, regardless of any fears you have of hurting me.

I don’t know where to go from here, I suppose it’s your turn.  No matter how this ends up, even if I may be upset in the moment, I’m writing in perfect clarity right now that I love you and hope the best for you in everything in life.  And I really do hope you can own up to your feelings and strive for an open and honest relationship with your family and friends someday; maybe then you can find the trust you seek from a relationship.

I love you and appreciate your giving me this opportunity and your complete honesty;

-Blue

Thursday, July 19th

Dear Diary,

My boyfriend broke up with me on June 20th.  I didn’t know how to handle it at first.  I felt really pathetic.  I was crying and borderline pleading with him to do otherwise.  A couple days later my brother drove me back to my hometown in his stead.

He was supposed to come see me and spend the weekend at my family’s home.  As sad as I was I wouldn’t be seeing him for a month, I couldn’t have been more excited to share all of my memories and close people with him.  I guess if I were to be broken up with however, it was good that it was right before coming home.

Things here have been difficult.  I’m finding myself just a wretch to be around…  Even I notice myself being moodier than usual.  Mom thinks I have anger problems, but who on her side of the family doesn’t!!  It’s hard coping with the amount of stress I’ve been sort-of-not-really dealing with.  It’s easy to say, when I’m alone, that I’m going to work on being patient and not get so angry over things, but when I’m in the moment I just want to lash out and I really can’t even think enough to control myself.  I’ve always been like this I guess, but I really want to be different…  I feel bad about the way I yell at my mom.

xxxxx has been texting me a few times since he left me too, which just adds to my stress and anger.  He insists on being my friend and telling me he misses me, but everytime I get a text or think about everything we’d been through I feel hot and my face burns with every mix of anger, sadness, jealousy, and lonliness.

I dread going back to my apartment.  It will be so empty…  I don’t open up to many people in my life…  I told him more about myself than even my mother, who more or less knows everything.  I trusted him more than I ever should have and shared every part of me with him, and even though all along I knew I wasn’t getting even half of it back from him, I so desperately wanted to be with him forever…
Even now I still want to be with him.  I want to go back and just fall into his arms and cry everything away into his chest.  But I’m going home to nothing.  And if I’m going home to my so-called “friend”, I know I’ll need to set him straight.  I can’t be his safety and I can’t ever take him back… and that tears me apart…

When I look back to my 10th grade first crush, I realize how much it prepared me for this.  I was so alone then, and wasted away to nothing that summer.  I’m better now.  Better at knowing my place and accepting what has happened.  I have no choice.  It’s been 4 years–another summer, another broken heart.  I feel differently now though.  I want to make a change.  I want to SO bad.  I want to just be open about myself to everyone, without a single care or regret.  I don’t want to find myself in a position where I ever have to hurt someone the way I’ve been hurt.  I need to focus now more than ever on how I’m going to get to where I want to end up in life.  I need to put my life in order.  It’s something I’ve been ignorant of since Matt [my first crush].  Since summer ’08.  When I first realized that I hide myself away for a purpose, not just because I’m an introvert.  I have no self-confidence.  I have no ambition, no motivation.  I am an angry and bitter young person with a whole life ahead of me I’ve been refusing to embrace.  I am 20 years old and it’s about time I make a change in my life and try and be happy about something other than the absence or presence of a man.

Will I go back to dating?  Sure!  Probably sooner than later!  But this time I find self-sufficiency and contentedness on my own.  This time I have a job, friends, a life.  This time I’m in control of where I stand.

Sunday, July 22nd

I’ve noticed a specific trend with how I’ve been handling this break up so far–I haven’t been!!

I think that I am strong and have already moved past him one minute, and the next I’m all alone looking at pictures of him on my phone feeling hopeless and devastated.
Why do I miss him so much? He was so insensitive and used me for a long time… Why is that hard to move on from? Do I still love him??

I’m so scatterbrained about all of this. My attention span is minimal, and I’ve noticed myself sullenly asking people to repeat themselves like a million times lately.  I can’t seem to decide what is best for me right now!

GAH.

Sunday, July 29th

I made a mistake last night.  I messaged you.  More importantly, I made myself vulnerable to you again.  I’m so stupid.

But it’s too late to have regrets now, what’s done is done.  So in the event I never hear from you again, this is for you:

What went wrong?  A week before you left me you were telling me how you’d love to come visit me while I’m away, and telling me every night that you love me.
How did that change?
I just don’t get it.  I know we had our issues, but we never went to bed mad at eachother (you would never even let it happen), and we always resolved everything.  At least my worries and concerns were always resolved.

Do you remember the day a few months ago, when we were arguing about I don’t even know what?  You insulted me on something in regards to me still being dependent on my mother for some things, and then I got mad and stopped replying.  Do you remember texting me until I would agree to let you come over so we could set things right?  Do you remember standing in the elevator, for 11 floors, and making everything better before we reached the top?
I remember seeing how upset you were in your eyes.  I remember recognizing how stupid we’d both been and how much you must have cared about me to be standing there, reaching for my hand, crying.

Do you remember all the nights I cried, never knowing where we stood and if you really loved me?  Do you remember all the times I felt insecure because you wouldn’t let me into your life?  Do you remember noticing every time I was upset with you, and pleading for me to help you understand why I am upset?
Do you remember our long late nights crying together because we were having such a hard time figuring things out?  You would be so upset that I couldn’t find any confidence in what you were offering, or how you were treating me, and you would say you feel like shit, or like a terrible boyfriend.  Do you remember crying?
I remember seeing how distraught you were.  I remember watching you from behind as you wipe your tears and blow your nose and blubber like a lovesick puppy.  I remember reaching for you and laying my hands on you and telling you how confused I am in my feelings for you, but reassuring you that they were there, and feeling so happy that you could cry for me.

Do you remember when I would ask you about your family.  How I would tell you how scared I am that you can just up and leave me someday, and have no responsibility to me to explain what had happened? Do you remember how vulnerable I felt knowing how little consequence I was in your life, regardless of how much you said that wasn’t true?
Do you remember how we got to where we are right in this moment?
Do you see how betrayed and inconsequent I feel?

I remember everything.  I look back and see every fight, and every happy moment, and every insecure moment.  I remember always looking at you and wondering how someone who complemented my life so perfectly insisted on remaining so disconnected from me.  I remember having regrets, and having fears, and wondering what kind of person you might have truly been.  But I also remember you’re warmth.  I remember kissing you and forgetting everything.  I remember feeling weak in your arms and in your embrace, and pulling myself away from your lips to see a face that reflected how I imagined my own.  Eyes closed, softened face, a euphoric expression.
“The face” I would call it.  I remember how happy I was to see that face everytime, knowing that when we share a kiss and hold eachother, every fear and insecurity is quelled.

And I look at where we are now.  And I know that we are no longer together, and I know that you have moved on, and I can’t help but feel sick at the thought that it was all a lie.

I trusted you during our relationship.  I didn’t always trust what you were doing, but I always tried trusting what you were saying and I gave you everything I had to offer to prove that.  I gave you myself, in ways much more intimate than sex.
I gave you a look into myself.  I gave you my thoughts and opinions and insecurities and worries.  I gave you every definition of myself, and shared every grievous and every joyous moment with you.
I told you that I didn’t trust you, but I always had faith in you.

Did you use it?  Did you exploit it?
Why did we have 5 months together as a couple who loved eachother only to one day wake up to find you’ve been “thinking about me”, you “aren’t coming to visit me at home” anymore, and inevitably you are “breaking up with me” after I finally ask you what’s going on.
How did it come to that?  What clicked all of a sudden for you to do this, when only a day before we exchanged I love yous and went to bed knowing we had someone else to live and love for?

I hate assuming things.  I hate pretending I know your reasoning behind things.  But you never give me anything, and that’s where my mind goes to find answers that you refuse to share.  And these are my thoughts.

Within two weeks after leaving me, though you had promised me that you were not going to go looking for anyone right away, and that you were not interested in dating for a long time, you were seeing someone new.  Why did you lie to me?  Why did you go back on your word so quick, and make me feel like my whole existence only bore two weeks worth of impact on you?

Why did you lie to me for so long?  And for how long?  You told me when you left me that you’ve been unsure about us for a long time, and I want to know since when.  I need to hear how long you’ve been taking advantage of me.

Tell me why all of this happened.  Tell me how you could use me for so long and hurt me so deep in the end and not give me any explanation aside from “I just don’t like you anymore”.

My emotions this past month have been all across the board.  I’ve felt bitter, I’ve felt anger, I’ve hated you, but I’ve also felt guilty, and felt sorry for you, and felt like I’ve let you down.

How could you leave me–someone so enthralled in your life and concerned about you at every turn–with no answers.  How do you go to sleep at night knowing the pain you’ve caused me and sleepless nights you’ve given me?

I just want answers.  I want closure.  You failed to acknowledge my feelings when you had said that you loved me, the least you can do is acknowledge them this one time, and tell me what I’ve really been to you and how that relates to the way I’ve been left.

Friday, August 24th

The more I think about you, when you are not around, I get distressed and worried ‘cause my heart now makes a sound.

I told you that I loved you, and at once that meant I’m scared.  But these days it bears a truth that I know we always shared.

I want to be my very best, both for you and even me.  I want to spend forever just dying to make you see.

I love you doesn’t cut it in this heart, this mind, this soul.  The kind of passion I feel for you?  Unrivalled, bears no toll.

I want to spend my days with you, doing all I can, to make you see I need you and know you are my man.

See swimming, food, the gym, they do not frighten me.  They are not moral challenges, but chances, with you I’d be.

I want to rest with windows open and be patient while you sleep.  I want to watch you in your dreams and not worry ‘bout what you keep.

I want to be your everything, right down to every minute.  I want to see you smile and know that I’m the one who did it.

I want to lay in bed with you and forever kiss goodnight.  Tell you that I love you, if it will ever make it right.

There’s a life we haven’t lived together, we haven’t had a chance.  The stars at night, they tell me, that it should never end, this beautiful romance.

—————————————————————

xxxxx,

I can’t help but reflect on everything we’ve been through this past year.  Every memory I have of you is brilliant.  There’s no simpler way to put it, and no real way to show you how much I mean it.  You are my best friend.  I have shared everything that I am with you.  Everything you’ve done or said to me has been the most valuable moment in my life, all at once.  I can’t even begin to elaborate how much truth is in that statement.  Your friendship and your heart have been the most precious things I have ever held in my life, and I regret everyday that I’ve found myself in a place where they are not mine anymore.

You are everything that I’ve ever needed.  I still believe fate brought us together for a reason, and saying goodbye forever cannot be it.  I am not afraid anymore–of you, of my feelings, or of life.  When I think about sharing a place in your world, I can’t even imagine where such fears would come from.

We’ve both made mistakes, and this is one I am trying to right.  I can be strong enough for the both of us, I can accommodate your feelings in any way they need if you’ll just listen to your heart.  There is nothing to fear, and there will never be another regret.  I need to know if I can’t be your everything, and I know deep down you want to know that too.  Taking this chance bears no risk.  You are safe and loved with me.

Give me this chance.

With love and all that is greater.

Friday, September 14th

“Goodbye”.

I don’t know how to deal with this word.  It’s truly not in my personal vocabulary.  I’ve never said goodbye to anyone.  Even people I know I’ll never see again.  I can’t face that reality–never ever seeing someone again.

The word is unfortunately all too real.  Goodbye can’t just be ignored.
It is erroneous; a misnomer–not good at all.  Today and forevermore I will say “sadbye”.  This is the word I know.  This is the word I stand by.

When I look at my life objectively, I see I’ve never really even been given the circumstance to which a sadbye is necessary.  Apart from the death of my grandfather, I suppose.  His was truly a sadbye, but I’m certain I never gave him one.  I cried, I mourned, I reflected and I ruminated, but I never said sadbye.  I guess it just never seemed necessary.  Somewhere down the line I just came to accept my loss and resigned to someday seeing his happy, scowling face again.

–On a delightful side note!  The other day I took a taxi to my place of work.  A warm, elderly, man drove me.  It was… comforting.  The smell of his cab.  It was of my grandfather.  A smell so distantly familiar I couldn’t help but crease a smile.–

Anyways, on the subject of sadbyes.
Recently my ex told me goodbye.  There’s that funny word again; goodbye.
I couldn’t help but really ponder his intent behind it.  A man who once told me he so passionately loved me and cared for me, and would never hurt me.  Why would he use this wanton word on me?

I started contemplating what it really meant.  This word I’ve never spoken before, in what context was it used?  In what sincerity was the word derived?  I felt helpless, and confused.  I still do.  I have for almost 3 months now.  None of this has made sense to me.  But the goodbye is the only clarity I’ve had in a long time.
What did this word mean?  It meant somebody no longer valued me.  It meant somebody looked at me and saw a person who could provide no more love, no more friendship, no more emotional and personal gratification.

I think that is what makes goodbye the saddest for me.  That is why I choose to call it a sadbye.  I didn’t simply pass on from this life.  I didn’t leave someone with no choice but to bring our emotional resonance to a close.  I was abandoned instead.  I have been abandoned by one of the so few people I embraced in my life and allowed myself to feel safe and comfortable around.

Is this what sadbyes are like for everyone?  When you say it to someone, do you realize the impact of your words?  Do you see the betrayal of your most intimate of promises as a human being?
I see it.  And I can’t say it.  I can’t hurt someone like that.  I will never say sadbye to him.  He will never know my affliction, because I can’t burden him in such a way.

Love is such a precious word.  It’s so incredibly intricate and boundless.  Please, if you find yourself reading this, please, please, please, never say goodbye to someone you love.