Tag Archives: broken

Princess of China

Once upon a time somebody ran–sworn to his convictions; he’s but a man–and was gone within the dead of night to disappear before eyes learned sight.  A cold breath of sorrow to lull the season; his corpse of doubt, alive with treason.

They were lost behind a lie on the same side.  He’d blithely forgone trust to honour his pride.  Lost behind a lie that burned bright, she tossed strength aside to the edge of what’s right.  Her matted tears of passion shorn under his flame, were purged; undone by sorrow and the mess of his shame.

Once upon a time felled them apart.  In each of her hands, two halves of one heart.  He stole her star.  A pitied empty jar.  Her broken, bleeding star.  Embittered; turned to tar.  He stole her star; a seed of faith, her star.  A candled germ to mar.  Her withered, craven star.

She could have been a princess, and he, her king.  He could’ve built a castle upon her ring.

Thursday, June 20th, 2013 — The next day of the rest of my life.

It has been one year since you left me.

My day has gone better than I’d expected.  I’ve been busy though, so maybe it’s just been a distraction.  In the year since you’ve left me, a lot of my better days have been due to distraction.

I’ve been thinking about writing to you on this day for the better part of the year now, and my heart has pulled me in many different directions, but now that the day is here, I’m really at a loss of what to say apart from… you broke me.  You really and truly left my heart and my soul in shambles.  Out of the past 365 days, I have only seen you on a handful of them.  And yet, I have felt the ramnifications of your past decisions throughout every single passing moment.

I am not angry anymore.  I hardly even feel flustered when I think about the opportunities you passed up with me in favour of someone new.  I remember being on the verge of working myself into an episode a couple of weeks ago, but the moment passed, and my day went forth.  That’s not to say I am no longer sad, or burdened.  Of course I am sad.  Your absence from my life will be a burden for as long as I love you, and the kind of love I feel for you never really goes away.  But I am not angry with your decisions anymore.  I am not angry with my current situation anymore.  And I guess that’s really as good as it gets!

I wish that I had the strength to reach out to you again and see what your life looks like today.  If I’d known back then what I know now however, I would have never been in touch with you at all since the day you left me.  I’m not over you, and reintroducing you to my life now would only stand to prove it.

I think I might start writing to you less.  Maybe even altogether.  I’ve run out of things to say to you, really.  It doesn’t help that you do not receive any of these anonymous letters in the first place.  Perhaps someday I will direct you to this site, but then I realize that’s not doing either of us any good.

If I could have done right by you… I think that I would have told you from day one why you could never be my friend–and for reasons so much more than just the pain of seeing you happy without me.  I just know that friendship is something I could never have attained from you after all was said and done.  In some respects, I feel like I never truly was your friend in the first place.  It wasn’t fair to put either of us through the same relationship we’d just been through only to have it sullied by a label far less sacred.

And that’s what my life’s struggle has been this past year.  Coming to terms with what I’ve known all along, but been far too terrified to admit.  I don’t want you in my life.  I didn’t want to prolong what was inevitable.  And now I understand that, no matter what we could have shared, no matter what I feel I missed out on, no matter what that second chance would have created, I would still be alone.  I would still have your back turned towards me.

The very first time I ever saw you, I was closing the door of your car as I tucked my legs inside and laughed at your nervous joke about my height.  The very last time I saw you, you were closing the door to my apartment as your nervous stare disappeared behind the crack of light from the hallway outside.  One thing has never changed in all this time, xxxxx.  I can know everything there is to know about you, and yet still know nothing about you at all.

For the first time, I think this really is goodbye.  The day you left me was the first day of the rest of my life, and today feels something like the second.

Attainable innocence.

I find myself in a state of constant wonder and fear.  I wonder what my future looks like.  I wonder what kind of people are kept within that future.  I wonder if there will be another somebody who will hold my heart.  I fear that there won’t be.

I wonder though, should I ever find myself facing someone I would potentially develop feelings with, I wonder if I will ever feel the same innocence as I did with my first relationship.  I wonder if first kisses, and first touches, will be as memorable and as comfortably uncomfortable.  I wonder if new flames will share that same vulnerable, beautiful light as the first.

What if it doesn’t?  Will it mean he’s just not the one?  Or will it simply mean that innocence is inconceivable in the eyes of those who have been broken?

I just want to feel whole again.  I want to be naive to the reality of cruel intentions.  Selfish intentions.  I want to know that there’s a person out there who holds a part of me that I have lost.  I want to know that there is still a place in this world where innocence is attainable.

Sunday, July 22nd

I’ve noticed a specific trend with how I’ve been handling this break up so far–I haven’t been!!

I think that I am strong and have already moved past him one minute, and the next I’m all alone looking at pictures of him on my phone feeling hopeless and devastated.
Why do I miss him so much? He was so insensitive and used me for a long time… Why is that hard to move on from? Do I still love him??

I’m so scatterbrained about all of this. My attention span is minimal, and I’ve noticed myself sullenly asking people to repeat themselves like a million times lately.  I can’t seem to decide what is best for me right now!

GAH.