Tag Archives: cats

Taking care of anything but me.

It’s been about 4 months since my cat began to struggle with her mystery illness.  She and her sister turned 2 years old last week, which at one point I was honestly fearing wouldn’t happen, and things remain as mysterious as ever.

I remember before she fell ill, I was the most upset I’ve ever been in my life.  I was just in such a dark place, and when she suddenly became my priority, before even myself, I was struggling a lot.  I found myself resenting her, and myself, and my life.  Nothing was working out for me, and honestly I still feel as though nothing is.

But putting her first in my life has helped me in a few ways.  I feel as though the final nail has been hammered into the coffin that is my ex.  I’ve hardly thought of him, and when I do, it’s never really a big deal.  I can play my music, and the songs that reminded me of my sorrow regarding the issue aren’t so sorrowful anymore.  They are my songs again.  And I find myself yearning for something better.  I don’t want to succumb to this nothingness anymore.  But I just feel so helpless.

I struggle a lot with my identity.  I don’t know who I am and I feel as though I have nothing to offer.  I don’t hang out with friends because I don’t have any.  And I don’t have any because I think to myself, “what can I do to be an interesting and good friend?”

There isn’t a lot.

Even before my cat got sick, I would go to work, hate my life, come home, take a long nap, hate my life, mope and get angry at anyone who gave me the time of day, then went to bed.  And now that I want something more, I still hate my work, I still am not fond of my life (though I try!), and I just feel stuck as a caretaker right now.

I’ve never had a very durable sense of responsibility.  I’m exhausted caring for my cat.  I am emotionally and physically drained.  I have to feed her so many times a day, and each feeding is a trial.  After I finally see the last mouthful go down, I feel so much relief and yet so much anxiety.  It’s only a matter of hours before the next meal, or pill, or medication.  I have to sleep or relax or calm my nerves somehow.  I don’t have time for people or friendship or myself.  I just need to be completely alone.  I am very high-stress, and for her sake I have to try so hard not to show her how much she’s hurting me.  I can’t have an anxiety attack.  Last time I thought it was acceptable to lose my emotions in front of her, I paid for it by seeing her go through an anxiety attack herself.  Screaming, hissing, immense physical discomfort.  I just need to stay calm and she will too….

Sometimes I try and think about what my life might look like when and if I ever get her issues sorted out.  It’s hard to picture.  It’s not like I did a whole lot with my life before she got sick.  But I try and contemplate what I can do differently.  How I can work on my perception of what I have and what I really need.  And it all just feels… endless.

I don’t think I’m suicidal.  I don’t really have those kinds of thoughts very often, and when I do, they’re pretty easy to brush off.  I think it’s just my subconscious self being as dramatic as my physical self.  I do think I am incredibly lost though.

I’m sitting here just waiting.  Waiting for my sick cat to die.  Waiting for my healthy cat to die.  Waiting for myself to die.  It’s going to come.  And I’m going to wait patiently for it to come on it’s own terms on all three counts.  But it just feels like there’s nothing else going on.

Sometimes I try and think about dating again to have a chance at passing the time with a human being.  I’m certainly not hung up on my ex anymore.  So why not try?  I am definitely still pretty damaged, is why.  The thought of me being somebody’s “person” actually makes me uncomfortable.  I think about who I am and what I do with my time, and I just cant imagine the kind of person who would go out of there way to spend the rest of their life with me.

I just don’t have a single thing to offer.

I mean, right now I’m actually okay with being alone anyways.  But sometimes I just wish I had someone else to share my burden with.  As in share my cat with.  Just someone to take turns with feeding her so I can space apart my anxiety a little.  Someone to come to the emergency vet with me and keep me company so I don’t fall asleep waiting in the exam room.  Someone to be the strong one so I can just… cry.

I just want to cry.

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Learned Patience

I am very high-strung.  Very.

And having kittens has really brought out the worst in me in that regard.  I grew up with the most well-behaved dog–I had no idea what I was getting into when I got my girls!!

My one girl in particular, Elly.  She hasn’t been herself for a few months now, and it has caused me more stress than anything.  And in the midst of it all, I’ve really learned how to be patient with her.

Elly has always been the worst for knocking over my water glass.  And even though my other cat is a pain in the ass when it comes to knocking over lamps, spilled water just always ruffled my feathers so much more.  Wasted paper towel, water in my laptop and on other electronics, the way she’d run away with her tail held high and her head held higher.  It drove me absolutely mad.  I would just get so angry with her, and both she and I would always be upset after.  I don’t like screaming anymore than she likes being screamed at, I’m sure.

Since she’s become sick, I have learned to become so patient with her.  When she first lost interest in eating, being with her and encouraging her to eat was a really trying experience.  But since she was so sick, I knew I couldn’t get mad at her no matter how frustrated I was, because she needed to eat and that had to be my main focus.

Over time, patience really became something learned between her and I.  I feel so much more bonded to her now.  Having feared losing her every day for so long has really pulled me out of my depression and made me appreciate her for the loving girl she has been to me.  I have consistently failed to recognize that I got my cats because I was lonely, yet I haven’t even let them fill that void since I brought them home.  I spent so much time becoming frustrated for spilled water and broken possessions, that I never let myself enjoy the experience of kittenhood.  And even though they are almost 2 now, I know that Elly being sick has taught me incredible patience and resilience for a happy and healthy future shared between the three of us.

I am so happy to have these girls in my life.  And even though I’ve been all too consumed in trying to make them feel better, I am grateful for the opportunity to have learned this patience as a means of bringing love and happiness into my home instead of anger and continued loneliness.

#KittyCrazy

I keep good company.

I’ve spent a lot of the past 2 years worrying about how alone I am, and how alone I fear I will forever be.  It has debilitated me, it has depressed me, and it has isolated me.

A couple months ago, one of my precious cats starting behaving differently, and fell ill a few weeks ago.  And then a few days ago, her sister decided to try and pass a piece of rubber she ate months earlier and needed emergency surgery.

Between the two of them being out of commission, I feel more isolated than ever.  And my responsibilities and stress have increased ten fold!  And I’d just like to put into words the ways I’ve misunderstood my life over the past couple years.

1)  For as long as I have lived, I have relied on nostalgia to reawaken happy feelings and warm memories within me.  I become revitalized and happy and capable of making new memories to satiate future nostalgia cravings.

2)  For as long as I’ve been single, I have considered myself to be “alone”.

3)  For as long as I’ve been single, I have avoided embracing any happy memories, and instead have focused on constantly feeling as though everything I did would be more thoroughly enjoyed in the company of another.

I got cats because I was lonely.  And I haven’t been appreciating them for their intended value, or their ultimate role in my life since I brought them into my home.

I am in a relationship with my cats.

Since they have become sick, I have been feeling nostalgia.  I have been thinking of last spring when I replayed Twilight Princess and stopped to take videos of my cats curiously observing the t.v. screen or going places they shouldn’t and sassing me when I tell them to scram.  Not to mention the sounds they make that sound eerily like the Twilight Realm monsters.

I have been thinking of last summer when we played Animal Crossing for weeks on end.  When they would bat at my 3DS cord or take naps on or around me and immobilize my arms by resting their little faces on them.

I have been thinking of last fall when I binged on “Avatar: The Last Airbender” and “Digimon” on Netflix.  I remember having one kitty come running every time I kicked the covers over my feet so she could burrow deep down into the warmth of my blankets.  And I remember having the other kitty do anything and everything to escape whenever I tried to hoard her in our blankey nest.

I remember playing Paper Mario 64, GC, and Wii versions in a row just before Christmas.  I remember my Wii breaking about halfway through the GC version, so I had to go play it on the gamecube in my room.  I remember letting the girls into my room, normally a kitty-free zone, because I was lonely without them and felt bad knowing they were sitting at the door waiting for me to come out.

I remember playing Wind Waker HD and taking breaks to make tea.  And of course I remember my cats urgently running to supervise me, as they must know I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to tea!

My life is so incredibly mundane.  But I’m sharing that with two special little fur babies.  They are the company I seek.  They are the one’s who have sat by me, chirped with me, played at my feet (and with my feet!), and ultimately been the one’s to share all of my nostalgia with as of late.

I keep the best company.  I can’t wait for my babies to feel better so we can play more video games, take more videos, and make new and happy memories.

I don’t need a boyfriend.  I honestly don’t even want one.

Next on my to do list?  Force feed my brain Pokémon on Netflix while baking cookies with my cats.