Tag Archives: commitment

My chains.

I think that I am sad.  Perpetually, perhaps.  I think that I do not feel the capacity to be happy without him in my life.  That is sad.

I’m in a lot of turmoil.  Every day brings new opportunities, new horizons, new faces, but I am restrained.  It’s a tough pill to swallow–knowing that you are holding yourself back, but not being able to change that.  I am bound by chains he never freed me from.  And I’m sure it wasn’t intentional.  I think he was a good person–albeit a lost one.  I don’t even dare to say it’s his fault anymore.  He’s allowed to find what he was missing.  He’s allowed to explore this world and discover the kind of person he will become.  I am allowed to do this as well.

I think that there are many things I wish I could be doing.  I am so underdeveloped in my life.  I am lacking in an environment I should be thriving in.  I feel silly even typing this because I know I could be pursuing something I’ve always wanted to do right in this very moment, yet here I am, pitying myself.

I posted an entry from my summer journal on my blog today.  Apparently on July 19th I had already come to understand what our breakup meant for me, and where I was going to take myself.  I feel like I was perhaps on the right path for awhile.  I remember when I returned to the city after the summer–my kittens in tow–I was ready to start a new life.  I was feeling comfortable in my own skin for the first time ever, and my outlook on life was rivalled by only the sun making it’s first break through the downtown core in the early hours of the morning.  I look back fondly at this time.  I remember applying for my job and being really excited about being hired.  I remember surprising myself at how quickly I was settling into a new life in the city.

It all kind of… stopped.  It stopped when I had him over to visit late August.  It stopped when we kissed and touched and found eachother in a mess of blankets in my bedroom once again.  It stopped when he continued to touch me and flirt with me and seduce me inbetween fawning over his new relationship.  It stopped when he made me feel disgust for myself again.  When he made my body and my mind feel exhausted and used again.  When he stopped talking to me, and started, and stopped, and started, and stopped.

And here I am blaming him again.  It’s not really his fault.  It’s mine.  It’s mine for knowing that I am vulnerable, and allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of a man who saw that vulnerability as something fit to be toyed with.

It’s my fault that it has been so long since I’ve known my own heart.  It’s my fault.

And it’s good for me to realize this.  Self-hating.  Self-blaming.  In this instance it is good, because in this instance it is allowing me to see that where I am right now is where I’ve left myself in the wake of everything that has happened.  He did not leave me like this–I left myself like this.

I am not ready to be with someone.  I am a fool to always be so heavy hearted.

I am on the verge of rising to my feet once again.  Like a young fawn, my knees will wobble, and they will buckle, but I will learn to stand for myself someday.  And no, I can’t say when that day will come, but that is alright for now.  I have accepted my circumstance.

The next person I fall in love with will be myself, and that is a commitment I can make without another’s presence, validation, or trust.

I validate myself.  I trust myself.

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Thursday, July 26th

Happy 6 Months.

Half a year.  Half a year I’ve come to love you, and rely on you, and treasure you as my closest friend and companion.

I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.  I feel like in 6 months we’ve built up a complex bridge of memories, and happiness, and sadness, and mistakes between us.  A whole lifetime of feelings exploding within such a small frame of time.  This is beautiful to me.  This is everything to me.

On our 6 months, I want you to know that it’s okay to get overwhelmed and worried.  I am here.  I am always here.  I don’t leave the people I’ve accepted into my most intimate realm.  I can’t even when I try.
You are a part of me now, be it for better or worse.

On our 6 months, I want you to know that I am always thinking of you.  I always wonder what you wonder.  Like a child I look at you through curious eyes, thirsting for your answers.   You are still a secret to me, and I long to spend my life figuring you out.

On our 6 months, I look back at what has taken us to where we are, and I am at peace.  I am in love with what we are.  I am in love with the choices we’ve made and the battles we’ve fought and the grounds we’ve covered.  I am in love with you.

On our 6 months, I see where we can go, but I don’t want to picture a thing anymore.  I want to discover whatever life we can dig up together, and embrace it.  I want us to share this life together, whatever this life may be.

On our 6 months I smile and realize you are someone who has affected me like no other.  I don’t want to live my life around you or for you or in spite of you.  In fact, I want to live it with you.  With you right beside me.  My best friend.

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Why am I the only one who feels this way.  What could you have been feeling that made you betray all of our feelings as you have?