Tag Archives: death

Vaguely, Humanity.

I think that I am going insane.

I no longer feel human.  I feel empty and jaded.  Sometimes when I forget about him, or about my life in general, and I find the peace within myself to do something I used to love, I am at ease.  But I am crazy.

Life has become so exhausting.  I fear any relationships I form with people at this point are a matter of convenience.  I fucking hate people.

Was I ever thoughtful and compassionate and trusting?  Was it all just a dream?  I feel like I am not even sentient anymore.  Like I am just a mental mishap drifting between death and dormancy.

Even at my worst, in my old life but a memory, I had pride in some things.  I am confident in my writing, my soul, my capacity to do good by other people; In my old life.

Why do I have a job where I spend all day being scrutinized and socialized and standardized by ass-hat socialites?  Why do I have friends who I in earnest have nothing in common with?  Why do I even have friends?  Why do I employ effort in humanity at all when I don’t consider myself to walk amongst it?

I no longer conform to life.  I am no longer breathing.  I am drifting, and agonizing, and dying.  One day I will be dead.  It will be enough.

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R.I.P. Buns

Death can really put things in perspective.  Even simpler things.

My sister’s bunny passed away today.  Her boyfriend, who can be a bit of an oaf, perhaps mishandled her on accident and she fractured her spine.  I wasn’t there, but I have a tragic mental image to be sure…

I didn’t spend a lot of time with Buns.  But I was fond of her enough to give her her very own pet name–as Buns is not what my sister prefers for her to be called!!

Anyways, she was 2, and my sister got her for Easter in 2011.  I still remember her very first night in our home.  I was still living there, and snuck her into my bedroom to snuggle.  She peed on my bed.

And just now I’m realizing that my very first picture with Buns is gone, as I lost my phone earlier this year….  She was still just a baby, and fit into the palm of one hand.  She was a lop-eared, but in the picture one ear was awkwardly perked halfway up.  Too precious!

And while I’m not particularly devastated like my sister is, I do grieve the memories of her.  I cared for her last summer while my family was away.  The summer before as well.  And she knew me.  She remembered me.  I appreciated that I would come home to visit and she would remember that I’m the friendly soul who loved her and could never pass her by without cheerfully greeting her and sneaking kisses through the cage door.  “Hi Buns~!”

Two pets gone in less than one year.  It’s hard.  I especially miss my dog who we had to let go of in October.  But what I meant by saying “simple perspective” is… I need to take one of my girls to the vet.  One of my kittens.

Her two breasts closest to her rear have been swollen and pink for some time, and it doesn’t sit comfortably with me.  The first time, the vet told me that she was overweight and that the swells are simply fatty tissue lumps building up around the scar tissue from her spay.  Feasible.  But she’s at a healthy weight now and they’re still there.

I need to take her to the vet.  I can’t lose her.  I can’t lose another companion.

Wish us luck!

Dear Friday,

I don’t know how to pay proper tribute to you, and I don’t know anyone in my life who would take me seriously enough to understand my feelings, so I figure here’s a good enough place as any to address you.

I’d just like to start off by saying, I love you more than you could have ever even comprehended.  I think about you all the time, and every time I held you and cuddled you, my feelings for you were deeper and more profound than feelings I’ve ever felt for any one person.

You were my dog.  My very best friend.  You still are, so don’t even think I’m counting you out now that something silly like death has come between us.  And please don’t think I find any humour in what has been done today at all.  I just can’t sympathize with the reality of it all yet.  Next time I come home and you’re not there, in your honour, I promise you I’ll be the most moody and miserable shell of a person you’d have ever seen.

Just today in fact, I cried over a whole pizza and saved the corners of every crust just for you.  Just for you…

I miss sharing my food with you.  I miss seeing your wagging tail and hearing your pathetic wimper every time I sit down with a meal.  I miss your puppy-eyed face in my lap.  And I miss the way you chomped down on my fingers in desperation for the food I was offering to you anyhow.

I miss your kisses.  I don’t even care that people thought it was gross.  Your kisses will always be my favourite.  No man will ever compare.  I know that yours were unconditional.  I feel like that knowledge is something I’ve only ever trusted between yourself and I; the knowledge that you still loved me when I was sad.  I will miss scooping you up and holding you tight and crying away all my sorrows.

I miss the way you followed me to the bathroom.  Every.  Time.  Going to the bathroom will never be the same without you sprawled on the rug at my feet.

I miss the way you ripped around the house with me.  I miss the way you played hide & seek and chase with me.  I miss the summers alone we spent, just you and me, curled up infront of the computer or a good videogame all night.  I miss hiding out from the storms and protecting you under my blankies.  I miss how you’d sleep right in the middle of my bed and leave me hardly any room.  I miss being the one always watching you while our family went on vacation.  I miss being outcasted with you.  I’m scared being alone won’t be the same without being alone with you…

I miss sleeping with you at Grandma’s.

I miss ducking in and out of the sun on the porch with you in the summer.

I miss crashing on the floor and having an intense cuddle session after running laps around the pool table.

I miss bunching your blankets up just the way you like them.

I miss hearing the patter of your feet on the hardwood.

I miss resting my head on your body as you sleep.

I miss holding your paws.

I miss kissing your nose.

I miss the freckles on your nose.

I miss scratching your head in all the right places.

I miss giving you the best bum massages you ever did have.

I miss giving you different stupid and dorky nicknames at least 3 times a year.

I miss the way you use your paws as hands to hold my face still while you lick me.

I miss watching through the blinds with you as you waited for any sign of mommy or daddy pulling in the driveway.

I miss sit, speak, shake-a-paw, arms, high-five, sneeze, kiss–

I miss you.

If it means anything to you at all, I feel so bad that I wasn’t there for you in your final moments when you were always there for me.  I truly wanted to be…  As morbid as it sounds, since I were only little I’ve been promising that I would honour my love for you and be there to hold you for your last breath.  You have no idea how much a traitor I feel.

I still remember the day you were brought home.  It was late on a school night and we were all showered and in our jammies.  I remember we all sat in a circle around you in the boot room and when it was my turn to hold you in my lap, I knew you were mine.  I have never loved you even an ounce less–if anything, I’ve loved you infinitely more–everyday since that day, 14 years ago.

Not long after then, my hamster died.  I remember how devastated I was.  But do you know what I secretly thought about that night?  I wondered what I would be feeling the day I had to say goodbye to you.  Somehow I never expected the irrationality of a 6 year old to measure up after all these years.  I am truly broken for you.

I don’t want to drag this on any longer, but it’s important for me to tell you that I will spend the rest of my life thinking about you and remembering you.  You are not gone from my life.  And as such, I am hesitant to say goodbye, so for now I won’t.  Who knows, maybe I’ll see you again someday.  And until that day, please keep track of how many treats I will owe you, because every day I’m not giving you one I’m just going to be wrought with guilt.  Deal?

Please don’t ever forget me, Friday.  With love deeper and more eternal than life stands to reason, I know I will never forget you.