Tag Archives: destiny

Please state your given name

I remember a time when my world was something I would have envied, should it not already have been mine.  Sure, I’ve always been prudent, but somehow I’d never questioned who I was or what I liked.  I feel like in a way, I was confident in myself, but never outside of myself.

Life sure was easy as a kid, I definitely don’t deny this.  The further back I look into time, the easier it was for me to connect to people, and to adventure and imagine and create.  I wasn’t struggling with my identity as a medium, I was wielding it as a looking glass.

Some days I’d like to see life through those eyes again.  Maybe I would become inspired… reinvigorated with my sense of self and desire to humour the unfamiliar.

“a positive thinker and a mind of his own                                                                                                    outgoing, adventurous and one who dares to                                                                                             be different and be his own man                                                                                                                  will go the extra mile for a friend, or to                                                                                                        have others say ‘job well done’                                                                                                                      sharp, witty and clever of speech, words                                                                                                     flow from him                                                                                                                                                    loves the challenge of the unknown, testing                                                                                                both his body and soul                                                                                                                                    a lover of life and his freedom”

This quotation has been framed in my bedroom for as long as I can remember.  It is quoted beneath my given name, so I presume it is laid out as my destiny of sorts.  The meaning behind my name; my birthright.

I remember as a boy, I would read this quote often, and somehow it would always reaffirm how I felt about myself.  I would go down the lines and nod in approval, or smile at the idea of something greater designating me of all people to be this charmed, extraordinary person.

I almost find it funny how confident I was in myself back then.  So much as to even think of myself as this princely child who’s cards always fell in line–my karmic destiny a force to be reckoned with.  But I was humble and gracious.  At least that’s how I remember myself!!

Now I read this quote and I couldn’t feel more distant.  This quote does not describe me.  This has not become my destiny.  And yet that is still my name.  I feel betrayed by the universe in many ways.  My identity has escaped me and my confidence has been pilfered by an illness I am reluctant to address.  What is the use in naming it?  It seems to me a name is but a vestige of deceit.

Shii~nspiration

–Inspiration by Shii.  Silly, but this is something that has always touched me since I’d first heard it.

The form in which I’d heard this song was through a video posted within albinoblacksheep ages ago.  It was called “Shii’s Song”.  Though I believe the song itself is called Wind’s Nocturne and was first heard on a Playstation game called Lunar: Silver Star Song.

Either way, the song has always seemed very fitting.  I’ve always felt like the song was in fact my song!  Take a listen?–

I don’t know.  I always feel as though I am waiting.  I am waiting for some spectacle.  Some skipped heartbeat.  Some star.  I always dream for when it will come, and what it will look like.  I feel foolish that I am so consumed by this waiting.  What is it that I’m waiting for?

What if whatever it is that I am waiting for isn’t even coming?  What if it isn’t real?  Will my dreams fade to nothing?  When my life ebbs the way it has been this past year, I know that I need to keep faith for a brighter horizon.  But I fail to believe there is hope.

Is there something greater watching over me?  Is destiny real?  Is there a purpose and a path in this life that I am following, even though I cannot see it?  Am I making something of myself?  I know, I know that I should follow my heart, but at times I feel like there is such a huge part of it that is missing.  I don’t even know what my heart desires.

Where am I to find what I have lost of myself?  Will I ever be happy without knowing?  Will I ever feel purpose without knowing how to pursue my heart?

It is with these questions that my mind begs to wonder–is my star to come?  Is there some all-encompassing answer for me somewhere out there?  And in what context will I find it?  Is my star a man, a career, a friend, a passion?  Myself?  I so desperately want to know what I am missing out on.

The question marks in my life are tiresome.  And they are tireless.  I need to know why I have been so broken for so long.  Why is this song something that would make sense to someone who were only a child when they first heard it?

Nonetheless, I am inspired.  I want to know that–even though I’ve yet to find my star–I am still searching for it.  Perhaps it is time to begin that search.

Shii-chan~<3

Chapter anew.

I still think about you a lot.  Maybe no more than usual.  Certainly no less.

It’s different though, lately.  My thoughts are unclear.  Uncoordinated.  I don’t really know where to place my feelings or what to make of them.  I’m hesitant to really continue feeling anything at all.  We’ve been apart for so long now.  I haven’t seen you for so long.  Everything feels like a blurry dream.  I feel so much like you never even existed.

Every day we grow further and further apart.  My heart is still in this for you, but I can’t feel yours anymore.  I don’t feel any remnants of a connection with you.  I’m not idealizing your thoughts or rationalizing your actions.  You are missing.

I know that I miss you.  I know that I want to find some part of you in this world again.  But…

I fear that the innocence we shared will never return, even if someday you do.  I can’t continue to allow myself to wait for something that has faded into memory.  You have forgotten me, as time has told me, and now I choose to pursue the same path.

I will forget you too someday.  I’ve learned too much about myself from you and what it means to truly love someone to ever forget entirely, but it’s time to let our brief chapter together in this life finally turn it’s last page.

“When people walk away from you, let them go.  Your destiny is never tied to someone who leaves you.  And it doesn’t make them bad people, it just means that their part in your story is over.”

I really do love you.  I love you for everything that you are, with everything that I know.  And I hope that someday when the tears come to find you, you remember that you turned your back on me.  Even long after you left, I never turned my back on you.