Tag Archives: diary

Dear Diary,

I saw on t.v. or a movie (or some kind of media) recently that someone had the ambition of exchanging journals with another someone they liked.  Which made me think of the Nintendo series “Harvest Moon” where, at least in some titles, you have to read your love interest’s journal to get a vibe of where they’re at in your budding romance.  Which made me wish I were keeping a journal or a diary of sorts in the event of cute guys.

I mean, I suppose this whole blog is more or less a journal.  It’s all about my feelings, after all.  But everything here is so depressing.  If I had a prospective love interest, this blog is where I would send him before I make nookie with him and then eat him alive like a black widow, baby.

This place is sad.  And repetitive.  Endlessly so.

I hate feeling so invalid.  What I have to say isn’t important to anyone.  It’s unimportant to even myself.  So much so that I oft times have nothing to say at all.

Being younger was so much easier.  I miss high school a lot these days.  Sure, I felt I was depressed in high school too, but there was so much more going on then.  So much more to look forward to and to have feelings about.  Dinner at the café and then movies or video games with a couple friends on Thursdays.  Procrastinating homework to the bitter end on Sunday.  (Hey, it made dicking around on my own feel a lot more productive than it ever does these days).  Even school itself made things feel more acceptable.

School was an ego boost.  Teachers loved me.  Getting good grades gave me purpose.  There were tons of people my age at my disposal for friendship or comradery. Other people who were feeling low.  Other people who were feeling rebellious.  Other people who were feeling studious.  Other people who were feeling mediocre.  Other people digging art, or video games, or anything under the sun.  There was always someone for me to relate myself too.  I miss that.

If I were keeping a day to day journal in present time, and I shared it with someone I valued, it would go something like this:

“Deary Diary,

Today was pretty average.  I showered last night so I could sleep in a little extra this morning.  It wasn’t especially helpful though because I stayed up late waiting for my hair to dry.  I guess either way I got my standard 6 hours…

I watched a few more episodes of Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood before work as well.  It was good, but I had trouble focusing.  Then I was almost made late for work trying to decide which method for hiding my chest would be best today.  I ended up just wearing my baggiest hoodie over top of a tank top. Thank goodness for winter!

Work was okay.  I had a lot of trouble today and asked a lot of questions.  Even though I’m still pretty new, no one I work with has any patience with me at all. Everyone is very aggressive and the way they answer my questions makes me feel lesser of myself every time I ask… I don’t like these people, and even though I do like this job, I don’t know how long I can put up with the same few people everyday who have nothing in common with me. I spend my breaks in the bathroom stall just to escape the noise and the hostility.

The walk home after work was nice, however. It was very cold, and I wore my really short ankle socks. My scarf kept my face warm but I loved how cold my feet were. Sometimes I feel like the cold biting at my feet as I walk home is the only sensational part of my day. Everything else is forgettable.

The cats ate good for me when I got home, thankfully! Not a day goes by that I don’t worry about them getting sick again. I rinsed their bowls and kissed their noses before deciding to eat dinner myself. As usual, I really don’t have much to eat so I settled for baked perogies again.

I thought I would try and pick up A Link to the Past after dinner, because I really just want to beat it and move on to A Link Between Worlds, but I didn’t have the motivation. I watched some recordings from last night instead and accidentally fell asleep. Luckily, the girls woke me up when it was time to feed them again, so I did just that and then crawled in to bed.

I thought about crying tonight, but I just didn’t feel like I had it in me. Maybe tomorrow night will be a better night for it, since I won’t have to be up early for work the next morning.

Until then,

Blue”

And the saddest part of all of this? I don’t have any love interests. I don’t know anybody. There’s no boy in my Science class who sits next to me so I can do his homework in exchange for subtely smelling his beautiful being. And there’s no homeroom teacher from the house down the street to crush on and pretend he has a vested interest in my life when in reality its just his job to keep track of me and the other kids appointed to him.

It’s just me. I don’t even know any boys. What are those anyways?

Dear Diary, help me.

Thursday, July 19th

Dear Diary,

My boyfriend broke up with me on June 20th.  I didn’t know how to handle it at first.  I felt really pathetic.  I was crying and borderline pleading with him to do otherwise.  A couple days later my brother drove me back to my hometown in his stead.

He was supposed to come see me and spend the weekend at my family’s home.  As sad as I was I wouldn’t be seeing him for a month, I couldn’t have been more excited to share all of my memories and close people with him.  I guess if I were to be broken up with however, it was good that it was right before coming home.

Things here have been difficult.  I’m finding myself just a wretch to be around…  Even I notice myself being moodier than usual.  Mom thinks I have anger problems, but who on her side of the family doesn’t!!  It’s hard coping with the amount of stress I’ve been sort-of-not-really dealing with.  It’s easy to say, when I’m alone, that I’m going to work on being patient and not get so angry over things, but when I’m in the moment I just want to lash out and I really can’t even think enough to control myself.  I’ve always been like this I guess, but I really want to be different…  I feel bad about the way I yell at my mom.

xxxxx has been texting me a few times since he left me too, which just adds to my stress and anger.  He insists on being my friend and telling me he misses me, but everytime I get a text or think about everything we’d been through I feel hot and my face burns with every mix of anger, sadness, jealousy, and lonliness.

I dread going back to my apartment.  It will be so empty…  I don’t open up to many people in my life…  I told him more about myself than even my mother, who more or less knows everything.  I trusted him more than I ever should have and shared every part of me with him, and even though all along I knew I wasn’t getting even half of it back from him, I so desperately wanted to be with him forever…
Even now I still want to be with him.  I want to go back and just fall into his arms and cry everything away into his chest.  But I’m going home to nothing.  And if I’m going home to my so-called “friend”, I know I’ll need to set him straight.  I can’t be his safety and I can’t ever take him back… and that tears me apart…

When I look back to my 10th grade first crush, I realize how much it prepared me for this.  I was so alone then, and wasted away to nothing that summer.  I’m better now.  Better at knowing my place and accepting what has happened.  I have no choice.  It’s been 4 years–another summer, another broken heart.  I feel differently now though.  I want to make a change.  I want to SO bad.  I want to just be open about myself to everyone, without a single care or regret.  I don’t want to find myself in a position where I ever have to hurt someone the way I’ve been hurt.  I need to focus now more than ever on how I’m going to get to where I want to end up in life.  I need to put my life in order.  It’s something I’ve been ignorant of since Matt [my first crush].  Since summer ’08.  When I first realized that I hide myself away for a purpose, not just because I’m an introvert.  I have no self-confidence.  I have no ambition, no motivation.  I am an angry and bitter young person with a whole life ahead of me I’ve been refusing to embrace.  I am 20 years old and it’s about time I make a change in my life and try and be happy about something other than the absence or presence of a man.

Will I go back to dating?  Sure!  Probably sooner than later!  But this time I find self-sufficiency and contentedness on my own.  This time I have a job, friends, a life.  This time I’m in control of where I stand.

Friday, July 27th

I feel like I am in such a difficult place right now.

I know my feelings have been everywhere this past week, and I don’t know why it’s gotten so hard again all of the sudden.  I guess I just realize he’s someone I truly want to fight for…  He’s someone I just want to take every chance I can with, to make up for every lost opportunity of my past.  He’s worth it to me.  He’s so valuable to me and I want to be someone he can find happiness with.

I guess I’m just in a really tough place when it comes to talking to him again.  I don’t think he’s ever had someone who has reached out to him before, and I want to do that for him, honestly.  It just… it puts me in such an awkward place.
First of all, he never ever even gave me an inkling that I was in danger of losing him, maybe he doesn’t even want me to reach out to him?  And more importantly, where does reaching out to him leave me?  If I’m trying to be there for him, who is there for me?  I will be left in the fray, having to face myself everyday as the person who lost this guy I care so much for and am still concerned about him despite it all.

I don’t think I’m strong enough to be his friend, and be there for him when he needs someone.  I don’t think I have what it takes to be that kind of person for him, considering my feelings…
Don’t my feelings get to be considered?

I don’t know how to approach the subject with him or reach out to him or if he even wants to discuss the matter with me.  I don’t know what he wants.

Should I get tangled up in this again?  Should I risk my feelings for him being hurt any further?  Is there any chance that this can be fixed?  Please, somebody out there let me know…  I can’t stand another day of this.  I don’t know how I am going to face life back at the apartment, alone in the city.

I keep anticipating that everything will be normal again when I get back.  And he’ll come and visit me and hug me and kiss me and tell me he made a mistake and all will be fine.  I keep dreaming and wishing and hoping this will be true.  Why did it have to end?  Before I could truly know him, and see a part of him he’s been reluctant to share with anyone.  Why aren’t I good enough for him?  Why would he tell me I’m not good enough for him if he didn’t mean it…

I need help sorting through my feelings.  I need someone.  I need him.

Wednesday, August 1st

I texted xxxxx again on the 30th.  He didn’t reply to my first one, and I felt stupid texting him two times in a row, but I think his Grandpa passed away that day some 5 years ago, and I wanted to let him know that I was there for him…

Do I feel like I made a mistake?  Not exactly.  I am so… passionate about this.  About him.  Until I can find the closure I need, I refuse to keep my feelings for him silent.  Until I can see that he doesn’t want to give me another chance, despite everything I’ve come to realize since being apart from him, I need to keep putting myself out there…

I’m so scared that I’m going to get hurt again.  I get my hopes so high, but I can’t help myself.  I am such a fool for him.  I feel like I would do anything to make him happy again.

I keep running over different scenarios of how it will be to see him again.  (Oh yea, he agreed to talk to me when I get home!)
I keep imagining he’ll show up to my door with flowers, or I’ll open the door and we can’t seem to fight finding ourselves in an embrace, or I’ll spill my heart to him and we will cry and just be in love again…
I want him so desperately to love me again and be with me…

I keep struggling with the idea of a kitten too.  It seems like an all-kill bonus in my life right now.  Why?  Well there’s two ways I see this going.

1)  I get a kitten, tell xxxxx everything he’s deserved to hear from the start, we fall in love, and we share this new bundle of happiness and make our own quasi-family until we can truly be a part of eachother’s familial lives.

2)  I get a kitten, get rejected, but still have a kitten.
Something fresh, and new.  I have so much love to give right now, but unless it’s directed towards him, I am not ready to love another man.  I think the stability and dependance and binding friendship of a pet would really make me feel like I have a place in this world for something.  Someone, even if it’s just this little kitten, someone’s whole world would depend on me.  That’s what I need.  I need to be needed…

Wish me luck!  I hope so intensely that this man still loves me.  I want to give everything I have to offer to make up for how I’ve been to him.  I want to spend… daresay forever… letting him know he’s more important to me than I think either of us will ever understand…