Tag Archives: emptiness

For the world to see–

A year ago I lost my phone and all my pictures of you.  I was devastated.  But it was good.

I saw you a few times since then.  The first time, to discuss ourselves as two separate people.  I was granted the finality that you had saved just for yourself.  A few other times, briefly in passing.  No words exchanged.

At some point this past year, I lost your image.  I remember what you looked like, but I had forgotten what I saw.  At some point I stopped craving you.  I stopped fantasizing about you.  I stopped knowing you.  And then tonight, I see your pictures again.

You and all your manhood.  Everywhere I look.  Why are objectifying yourself like this?

It doesn’t matter.  You are beautiful anyways.

It’s a wonder I ever thought I was comfortable with you.  I worship you.  You are perfect and exquisite.  I am not worthy.  I was not worthy.  I objectify you.

But then I love you.  I feel guilty that other’s look at you as I have.  I feel sad that you crave their sight.  I wonder if your inadequacies were my doing.

I am sorry.

It has been a long year of solace, and I have come full circle.  I have found myself stuck in the shadows of your existence once again.  No doubt, forever you will be the emptiness in my heart.  But once again, the emptiness in my bed, in my breath, and in my being.

FIN.

I’m not really sure what this is going to be about; I’m not really sure how I feel.  But I need to write.  It’s been a long week.

I decided, after a year of putting it off, to start watching season 5 of Breaking Bad.  This was after the finale, so I could watch all 16 episodes marathon-style.  Breaking Bad has for whatever reason become something I strongly identify my relationship to my ex with.  It was a show we watched together.  It was a story he brought into my life.  I was so bitter to it without him.

I taped the first 8 episodes for us to watch together last summer.  We were broken up, but I hadn’t anticipated him moving on so quickly.  I thought we would keep in touch, and I would come back to the city after we had some space and watch it together.  And we did.  5 episodes or so.  I couldn’t really tell, because we weren’t watching the show so much as it was playing in the background as we’d brought our own struggles to light.  He left for good and I gave up on it.  I deleted all the episodes.  Thank heavens for Netflix.

Maybe it’s silly that I get so emotional over something like this, but I feel like this show had seen us through everything.  It didn’t seem fair to me that a television show was granted a finale–a conclusion–and I wasn’t.  I didn’t get closure.  And in a way?  I identified with Walter White.  Not in the sense that I’m a drug kingpin or lust for murder, but I identify with his sense of loneliness and defeat.

I feel so self-destructive.  I feel like I have inadvertently gone out of my way to destroy everything in my life.  And for what?  I don’t even have the motive.  I don’t have any money, or any sense of thrill in taking the risk.  I’m not breaking bad.  I’m not bad or good.  I’m just alone.  I feel like my life has come to a cataclysmic halt and there’s nobody left for me, so I sit in my cabin in New Hampshire and slowly rot to death.

Now that I am finally finished the show, I am at a loss.  I don’t even know what to feel.  I mostly just want to know what my ex feels, in regards to the last season obviously, but really just life in general.

So farewell Breaking Bad.  You will always be a part of my misery.  And in a weird way, I’m grateful for it.  I’m now going to dissolve into nothingness and adopt your conclusion as my own.

Shii~nspiration

–Inspiration by Shii.  Silly, but this is something that has always touched me since I’d first heard it.

The form in which I’d heard this song was through a video posted within albinoblacksheep ages ago.  It was called “Shii’s Song”.  Though I believe the song itself is called Wind’s Nocturne and was first heard on a Playstation game called Lunar: Silver Star Song.

Either way, the song has always seemed very fitting.  I’ve always felt like the song was in fact my song!  Take a listen?–

I don’t know.  I always feel as though I am waiting.  I am waiting for some spectacle.  Some skipped heartbeat.  Some star.  I always dream for when it will come, and what it will look like.  I feel foolish that I am so consumed by this waiting.  What is it that I’m waiting for?

What if whatever it is that I am waiting for isn’t even coming?  What if it isn’t real?  Will my dreams fade to nothing?  When my life ebbs the way it has been this past year, I know that I need to keep faith for a brighter horizon.  But I fail to believe there is hope.

Is there something greater watching over me?  Is destiny real?  Is there a purpose and a path in this life that I am following, even though I cannot see it?  Am I making something of myself?  I know, I know that I should follow my heart, but at times I feel like there is such a huge part of it that is missing.  I don’t even know what my heart desires.

Where am I to find what I have lost of myself?  Will I ever be happy without knowing?  Will I ever feel purpose without knowing how to pursue my heart?

It is with these questions that my mind begs to wonder–is my star to come?  Is there some all-encompassing answer for me somewhere out there?  And in what context will I find it?  Is my star a man, a career, a friend, a passion?  Myself?  I so desperately want to know what I am missing out on.

The question marks in my life are tiresome.  And they are tireless.  I need to know why I have been so broken for so long.  Why is this song something that would make sense to someone who were only a child when they first heard it?

Nonetheless, I am inspired.  I want to know that–even though I’ve yet to find my star–I am still searching for it.  Perhaps it is time to begin that search.

Shii-chan~<3