Tag Archives: fate

For whom my knowledge thirsts.

I am a not a people person.  (But that’s not to say that I am not personable).  For my whole life, I have never known myself to be comfortable or entirely invested in getting to know any given individual.  It’s just kind of who I am.  I’m an introvert.  Obviously I have my mom and my sister.  My one best friend whom I met when I was 13 (and even then the level of comfort I have with her now took years to develop).  I have two coworkers that I have bonded with over this past year.  And, well, that’s about it.  Apart from my ex of course, but that’s a little one sided.

My point is, there are very few people in this world who I have met that I just… jive with.  Someone who–for no apparent reason–just captivates me.  Someone I find myself emulating.  Someone I go out of my way to interact with; learn about, ask questions, propose activities to.  Someone whose soul crosses paths with mine just as the proverbial stars fall perfectly in line.

I met someone the other day.

We are training him at our Starbucks, and eventually sending him to another store.  It didn’t take long to find myself very involved in trying to learn more about him.  It has been nice–finding myself interested in something.  Someone, even!

And I’m not fawning over him like this is love at first sight, or anything of the sort.  Sure I am attracted to him, but I am also interested in him as a person, and that’s what makes this unique for me.  So for the past few days I have spent all my time with him at work, prodding him for details of his life and his being.  I want to know him.

So, I gave him my number today.  I am so nervous!!  I tried to do so innocently enough, but I am a bit rusty at reaching out to people at this point in my life.  Today is the last day I will have seen him unless he texts me and we arrange to hang out, and the suspense is killing me!  I don’t know how long is appropriate that I should wait before I start losing hope!

I guess I just wanted to get this out on my blog because it would be nice to open up my life to a new person, and let myself learn and grow under a new friendship.  I’d like to write about my experiences here if I am graced with such an opportunity!

So wish me luck!!  –Blue

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Coinciding with fate.

In the time that I knew you, I always found myself to be surprised by coincidences between us.  After awhile, I began to believe that these moments were not by coincidence, but by fate.

I’ve already come to forget many specific instances, but the impressions are still there.  We always shared similar memories of when we were young, we both enjoyed many things others wouldn’t understand–we were able to speak to eachother in a way that made sense.  That is why I struggle so much in my feelings parting ways with the memories of you.  I’ve always understood you as my fate.

I can even recall, almost every day we were together, that you would text me just as I were thinking of you.  Just as I were typing a message to you.  Even this past January, long after you’d left me, you texted me on a night where my emotions were so high and I couldn’t keep you off my mind.  It was as though you were experiencing the exact same feelings.

And it sucks that, even though it has been so long since I’ve heard from you, so long since I’ve seen you, so long since I’ve felt you, that I am still stuck with these coincidences of fate.

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Futurama was always a show that you and I had in common together.  The holophoner, Fry’s dog ‘Seymour’, Leela’s parents and her past, Fry discovering his nephew’s grave–these were all sentiments that touched us.  They were ideas and feelings of our own expressed through something tangible that we could bond over.

On June 20th 2012, you left me.

On June 20th 2012, the final season of Futurama premiered.

Seymour

Tunnel Vision

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.  Whether or not it is within sight is irrelevant–it’s just there. It’s a tunnel, and all tunnels come to an end.

The tunnel is long.  It is dank and suffocating.  It echoes the feelings I thought had come to pass, and is relentless in doing so.  There’s no escaping.  Not until I’ve found the proverbial light.

Amidst the noise of my heavy heart, I grasp desperately at the walls for any exit, any premature escape from my self-stencilled Hell.  It is dark though, unless maybe the darkness is all I can see.  Maybe my peripherals are failing me.  Maybe there is something I am missing in this tunnel–this winding, cavernous, objectified state of affairs.

Maybe I’m not in a tunnel at all.

Yet I’ve come to see that, within myself, in this very moment, I am on a set course.  I see only one motive of circumstance in my life; I follow it blindly, aimlessly, yet distinctly.  Everything else is a fog of deceit.

The life I am leading–no, the life I am following–is one that has been predetermined.  I have adjusted my destination to be the result of neurotic discourse.  I have tempted fate to find answers for me.  I have abandoned my aspirations in favour of my aspirations for another.

My life has become a tunnel.  I am blind to my reality, I am short of my expectations.  I am in pursuit of something that has become my only viable option–my only light.

My tunnel has exhausted me.  All has been for naught.  Every feeling, every notion, every dream was but to be expended on another’s freedom from their own bindings.

And I have spent many days resentful of the fact that I have aided someone who has hurt me in escaping from their tunnel; finding their light.  But perhaps I did no such thing.  Perhaps I was their light.