I am afraid. In a sense I have always been afraid–of where I will end up in life, of whether or not I will be alone, of what I kind of person I will become. But my biggest fear in life lately has been learning to accomodate myself in your absence. It’s a nightmare.
As time exceeds old limits of our last encounter, I grow wearier every day. I miss you, and long to tell you so. It’s a challenge to crawl into bed at night and feel anything but empty. I still cry for you.
I never understand what admitting these kind of things ever does for me. I never know how to deny you. I feel like I am forever holding onto you when I am someone you let go of a long time ago now. You don’t even try and keep in touch on a friend basis anymore, and so I am happy that you don’t feel as burdened and consumed as I do. I am glad you are making something of your life.
It’s not like my life doesn’t look any differently than the last time we met. I know that I am growing too, inspite of everything. But it is a stinted growth. It is growth that is inhibited by fears of leaving the viability of us behind me. Even after all that has happened, I am still afraid to leave you behind.
You would maybe find this quandary of mine to be funny. Sad maybe. Unneccessary. But I don’t mind. I am obliged to consider your place in my heart every day, and it is a task I have never relented. I once considered you to be a reflection of myself–a soul that found answers where I could not, and fell limp where I stood taut. That has never changed.
I have not forgotten our intricate dynamic. The way we were never with a stranger in the company of one another. You were a leader and a bit of an egoist–you shared yourself and I indulged. It was as if I were designed to love your every whim and make it into my own. To follow your direction but herald new meaning and breathe life into independant thoughts and shared memories.
And so as it currently stands, it is my understanding that I was born into this world to be that person for you. I am here to be your other–and if you don’t feel the same for yourself, it has happened on my behalf anyways.
So I am still waiting for you. I am afraid that I will wait for you for forever.