Tag Archives: feelings

Cosmic Dream Action

I’ve been very sad lately.  My heart has been barren and lonely.  My mind has been distracted.  Disoriented.

I’ve decided to try and keep in touch with my sub-conscious.  I’m going to keep a dream diary, starting tonight.  My ultimate goal is going to be lucid dreaming.

Why am I doing this?  Numerous reasons I guess.  I’ve always been a dreamy individual.  I frequently get lost throughout the day in thought, fantasizing about anything and everything, from mundane to fantastical.  There are many times I recall something that I’m sure enough is something I made up, until I start creating memories and convince myself that there’s no way that experience never happened.  I relive so many memories, and recant them to people who are in them only to have them look at me in confusion.  My memories are my own.  My own creation, my own fantasy, my own sub-conscious.

What is real and what isn’t?  What do I feel and what feelings am I misplacing?  I want to know these things.  I want to explore my inner self.

Ever since I were little I’ve contemplated my life and what aspects of it are real.  Is it strange to realize and accept that I am capable and potentially have created a great many of my memories?

I’ve always thought to myself that if I consider myself to be aware of something, it ought to not be true.  So if I am aware that I am a dreamer, if I am aware that I am a make-believer, then I am immune to actually dreaming and make-believing.  If I am aware that I am sad, than how can I actually be sad?

I don’t want to feel like I am discrediting my own feelings and my own reality anymore.  I want to know.

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Often when I was little, I would wake up in the dead of night, positive that my bed were violently shaking even a nanosecond into my coming-to.  It was always startling, but it never felt entirely threatening.  Perhaps I will learn what such an experience meant for me.

Perhaps I will be able to navigate my life to the fullest, having found a deeper connection to myself and what I feel.

But to be honest, a huge part of me wants to learn to lucid dream so that I can relive and expand upon memories that I constantly yearn for.  So I can go back and spend another night with someone who remains in my heart despite all the time between us.  So I can visit my long-forgotten happiness by dreamlight, and slowly let my reality fade into the dissonance that was my sub-conscious.

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Coinciding with fate.

In the time that I knew you, I always found myself to be surprised by coincidences between us.  After awhile, I began to believe that these moments were not by coincidence, but by fate.

I’ve already come to forget many specific instances, but the impressions are still there.  We always shared similar memories of when we were young, we both enjoyed many things others wouldn’t understand–we were able to speak to eachother in a way that made sense.  That is why I struggle so much in my feelings parting ways with the memories of you.  I’ve always understood you as my fate.

I can even recall, almost every day we were together, that you would text me just as I were thinking of you.  Just as I were typing a message to you.  Even this past January, long after you’d left me, you texted me on a night where my emotions were so high and I couldn’t keep you off my mind.  It was as though you were experiencing the exact same feelings.

And it sucks that, even though it has been so long since I’ve heard from you, so long since I’ve seen you, so long since I’ve felt you, that I am still stuck with these coincidences of fate.

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Futurama was always a show that you and I had in common together.  The holophoner, Fry’s dog ‘Seymour’, Leela’s parents and her past, Fry discovering his nephew’s grave–these were all sentiments that touched us.  They were ideas and feelings of our own expressed through something tangible that we could bond over.

On June 20th 2012, you left me.

On June 20th 2012, the final season of Futurama premiered.

Seymour

Reasons for my rhyme.

What are they?  This poetic, dramatic life of mine–for what reason does it persist?

I am depressed.  I am longing and broken and have nothing short of no will at all.  But I’m still here.  Life keeps going.

I’m just a cog.  I just fit into my little nook and keep the world rotating for as long as I should not break.  I am expendable.  I am replaceable.  I serve the axels their coffee and wish them well in their endeavours.  Life keeps going.

I sit alone.  I am anxious and I am lost.  I speak my heart, but I am not validated.  I am not acknowledged.  I am not mature, I do not know feeling, I am not sentient.  I’m still just that silly cog feigning stress.  All I need is some oil.  Life keeps going.

Life just keeps going.  I’m of no consequence.  I’m not a problem so much as an inconvenience.

This is the way I live.  I do not feel excitement.  My joy is menial and rehearsed.  I do not know the life you know.  I do not know the strides and the success and growth you have achieved.  I do not recognize them.  I do not understand them.  I fear them.

My life began the day I met you.  And I’ve been living my life as moments since I met you.  I wonder if there’s even been one day I have not thought of you.

How can it be that the closest I’ve felt to being alive was being with you?  What did you really offer me?  What was it about you that has made me so aware of my vulnerability to myself?  Life just keeps going and I can’t make it stop.  Every day you fade further and further away.  My life is fading.

Maybe you have nothing at all to do with this.  Maybe I have nothing at all to do with this.  I don’t even care.  I just want to know myself.  I want to know what you know.  I want to not be afraid anymore, of who I am and what I am capable of, and what I am incapable of.  I just want to know that my place in this world is warranted.  I don’t want to continue living if only for the few who would be sad.  I want to know more than that.

When somebody loved me…

I don’t know why.  I don’t know why I find this kind of stuff.  But this song is everything I feel, and I feel like I needed to share it with you.

This week has just been awful.  It all started a week ago today.  I guess since it’s passed midnight though, a week ago yesterday.

I remember it like it was a week ago yesterday–

I was having a bad day.  I’d been thinking about you a lot over the past couple days.  Everything was just building.  My best friend at work was going through a lot of stuff with a boy too, and I guess our lives just touched eachother that way.

We both came in to visit our other friend.  I guess we didn’t want to be all alone that night.  We brought her supper and gossiped and had a good time on her break, and even after her break.  I feel so much at home there.  I always wish we were still together, and you would come in and kiss me and smile at me like all my coworker’s boyfriends do.

You texted me later that night.  It was so weird.  And shocking.  I didn’t really know what to do or say, so my coworker and I went outside and threw snowballs at the street sign for awhile.  It helped her burn off stress a lot more than it helped me.

When I finally decided to text you back, things were pretty normal.  You were being defensive and saying I was accusing you of lying and wanting to get back together with me.  I truly was confused, and felt like you were curious about lingering feelings left behind.  I feel like that’s a reasonable fear though.  How many other exes go out of their way to get back in touch every couple of months?  Not to mention the fact we almost had sex when things got carried away after seeing eachother again early in the fall.  When you were already dating someone new…

I’m glad I conviced you to keep in touch again this time.  I’m glad I saw you again.  I’m glad I had a real conversation with you again, for the first time since before you left me.  And now I finally know what is going on.

All this time.  All this time you made me feel like I was bad for you.  Like I let you down.  Like I made mistakes and hurt you.  All this time I’ve tried to change for you, and I’ve cried for you, and I’ve wanted a second chance with you.  All this time you knew what was really up, and you never bothered to give me the honest truth.

I don’t know how you can love someone, and know that you’re a perfect fit, and be able to talk and enjoy eachother’s company for hours, and yet still need to have fun and sleep with other people.  How do you even tell me that sleeping with your new partner isn’t as meaningful or good as it was with me?  How do you expect that that makes me feel better about everything?  How do you possibly sleep with another person who you don’t love or connect with when someone you do love and connect with has been waiting for you all along to come back?

You’re cruel.  You even go so far as to text me the next night saying that you can’t sleep because you’re thinking about me and how much you miss me and want me there with you.  And then when I try and reach out to your feelings, you abruptly tell me you’re not attracted to me anymore and were only with me when you felt I needed you.

To think, that you think our relationship was ever about what I needed.  It was always about what you needed.  You needed strength and security in someone’s feelings for you.  You needed to feel validated.  You needed to feel important.  I tried giving you everything you needed, and I only became selfish when I needed you to let me be a part of your life.  That is all I needed.  All I ever needed from you was to be acknowledged as someone important to you.

This is crazy, that I keep loving you after how reckless you are with my feelings.  You care so little about the way your words affect me.  They destroy me.

All I have left of the you I fell in love with is memories.  All my pictures are gone.  I can’t listen to our song anymore.  I can’t feel your heart anymore.

When I used to lay on your chest, in your arms, everything made sense.  Nothing mattered to me about how little I felt you were letting me be involved in your life, because you were still holding me close to it.

When we used to cuddle in bed or on the couch and do nothing but talk all day and night, I felt safe.  I felt like I found myself in someone, and that we would grow in eachother’s strength and weakness forever.

When I used to kiss your lips, I felt purpose.  I would pull away and look at your soft, closed eyes.  Everything else seemed inconsequential, knowing that my kiss made you feel the way it made you feel.  I felt needed.

When I used to smile at you, and see you smiling back, I felt warm.  I felt you understood what every moment with you meant to me.

When I used to look into your eyes, I felt incredible.  I felt like I could glimpse the world though your eyes, even though you never shared it through your lips.

And even when we fought, I felt like someone was passionate enough about me to stand by my anger and my insecurities and be solid ground for my air of emotions.

When you loved me, everything was beautiful.  Every hour spent together lives within my heart.  And I could go on quoting the whole song, but lets not romanticise what is done.  I found love for you in realizing that everything I thought I wanted for myself had fallen short of what I needed to be for you.  And you left me in realizing that everything you thought you needed to be for me had fallen short of what you really wanted for yourself.

Monday, July 30th

Dear xxxxx,

It has been however long now since we’ve spoken intimately.  In this time, I have been selfish, angry, naïve, bitter; myself.

My attitude towards everything you are has been the same as it’s always been–afraid to commit to what you are.  Afraid to see you as either an amazing guy, or an inconsiderate one.  I’ve always spent so much time jumbling my opinions of you and blaming you for it, that I’ve spent far too little seeing you for who you are.

I have had a lot of time to think and grow up since I last saw you, and I mean that.  I have come to see that in light of everything I feel you’d done wrong in our relationship, that I am the one that actually failed you.  I am the one that was insecure enough in myself to take the beautiful opportunity I had with you and turn it all circumstantial.  I couldn’t accept things as you offered them.  I couldn’t trust your word, and your heart, and your feelings.

But worse yet, I was so selfish in seeing how you were not giving me everything you could have, when I was doing the exact same thing.

I really see you in a much clearer light now, I feel.  Your actions, and your insecurities.  I see now that, between your work, and your friends, and your family, and myself, and all of our expectations for you, you still made the time and effort to be with me, and give me a part of who you are.  I never saw that.  I never saw how overwhelmed and scared you might have been, and I never saw how committed to me you really were, and how you gave me everything you could.

I never saw how you made sure we went to bed together every night with an I love you and all problems resolved.  I never saw how you wouldn’t let anything finish with me being angry.  I never saw the tears you shed, and the feelings you shared, and the love you gave.  I never felt your warmth, or your happiness.  I never gave you a chance.  I couldn’t see anything aside from how I was just your secret.  That’s all I ever saw myself as—your secret, and your shame.

Of all the regrets I thought I’d had, this one is my deepest.  My deepest regret is allowing myself to live each day with you and spend each night with you questioning everything you gave me and wondering if I’d made a mistake with you.

I promise you, that if you’ll let me, I will be what you really need.  I will be patient, and understanding; I will be your friend.  I promise to never go to bed at night again, or spend another second with you, wondering if the love you had to offer was real.  I feel what it was now.  I know you loved me.

I never gave us a chance, and even though it may be too late now, I am ready.  I am ready to grow up and find myself, and discover life.  I am ready to be what you need.  I am ready to be your friend and I am ready to show you what love really is back.  I am ready to be a part of your life, wherever you are ready to have me.  I am ready to truly let you into my life too, so you can experience what it’s like to have people see you and love you for everything that you are.  I am ready to guide you in any way I can.  I am ready to be your support.   I am ready to hear your thoughts and your feelings and your love and embrace them as what you are, because I love you.

I have never stood up for anything in my life, but I am standing up for you.  For us.  I am fully aware that I am putting myself out there for you and allowing myself to be rejected again, but you are worth that to me.  You are worth that risk, and I am here to make every risk to get you back.  I feel like we complement each other so perfectly, and we both have so much growing to do, and I just feel like we can have a real go at something beautiful.  We can grow together.

I love you so much, and I will spend the rest of my life hating what is done.  But I am ready to forgive it all.  Are you?

If you have any love left for me at all, then give us this opportunity.  If you still love me, then just do so.  I promise it will be different this time.  I promise I will never hurt you again.

Feelings, wants, and nothing inbetween.

All I want to know is what you know.  Tell me what you know!  Just tell me why all of the sudden I wasn’t what you needed.  What happened that suddenly made me worthless?  And moreover, why do you try so endlessly to replace me?  Why would you do so much to find everything that I am in someone that isn’t me?

What is it that you want me to be right now?  Why won’t you talk to me like you suggested we should?  Should I be upset?  Should I be miserable?  Should I be happy, lonely, cheerful, needy, distant, cold, bitchy?  What emotion are you trying to evoke from me by treating me the way that you do?  Just tell me.

I just want to see our relationship through your eyes.  Even if just for a moment.  I want to see your new relationship through your eyes.  I want to see why everything that has been done has been done the way you’ve done it.  I’m done waiting so anxiously for you.  Are you ever going to answer my feelings?  Do you not feel you owe me an explanation?

I want to know who you are.  I want to know if you’re a bad person, a lost person, or an honest person.  You tell me it’s the latter, and I refuse to believe it’s the former.  I feel like you’re just struggling so much, and I just want to talk everything through with you.

But you have someone new now…  For whatever reason you seem to be far more committed to looking out for their feelings than you ever were for mine.  And that hurts me.

You promised me once that you would never hurt me.  Today is the 146th consecutive day that you have hurt me.

You are hurting me.  Please stop hurting me.

Tell me you love me or set me free.