Tag Archives: first love

Thursday, June 21st

xxxxx,

I have spent the last 5 months with you.  Quite the empty statement, right?  Maybe so.  But we both know that my interpretation of our relationship and our time together has at times lacked in clarity.  What I can say, despite everything—my issues with trust, our subsequent squabbles, the difficulty it takes for me to decipher which of my feelings I should bring to you and which are just me being oversensitive—I truly believe I have fallen for you along the way.  Being here now, knowing that we’re not together… well I just feel broken.  And so confused, more so than anything.  I feel like I’ve just been coming into a safer place with you, and out of nowhere you’re gone.  I really didn’t have any warning; I didn’t get the same courtesy you expected from me.  You told me that whenever I’m unsure, whenever I feel hurt or upset, I need to tell you so we can work it out.  Why didn’t I get to know you were hurting, and stressed, and unsure?  Why didn’t I get the opportunity to tell you that, yes, while I do push the idea of you telling your family, I’m not in a place yet where I can’t find common ground with you.  I was okay with waiting with you.

Take a look at my life.  Before you, I never really went anywhere.  I’m comfortable being cooped up.  I was happy, variably at worst.  I was happy laying with you, watching movies, letting you show me shows you liked, and just talking about anything.  I know I’ve been upset by you.  I know that I did expect to be able to find more from a relationship than what I do on my own time.  I know that I’d been a miserable fool in making you feel like you owed me anything more than you could offer.  But if we’d just talked and found clarity, if I’d known how much damage I’d done, in a heartbeat I know that having you in my life means infinitely more than having your family and friends in my life.  I would have been prepared to make every effort to back off.

That being said, that effort on my half would have needed to be accompanied by effort on your half too.  An effort that would entail you realizing that trust may not come easy from someone in my position, and making accommodations thusly.  A relationship takes effort.  Especially a relationship like ours.  As of recent, I guess I’ve learned that maybe you’re not prepared to make that effort.  Or maybe I misunderstood that.  The purpose of me writing this letter is for me to make sense of where I’m at and try really hard to not put words in your mouth.

I guess what I need from you, if not a loving companion, is honest answers.  I really, truly need to know where your head is at—no secrets.  I need to know if you really love me, and if you really intend to just “sort your life out and find a place where you can be someone I deserve”, as you put it.  Conversely, I need to know if that was bullshit.  I’m not accusing you, I’m just making sure one final time that you’re sure about how you feel, and that those feelings were the ones relayed to me the other night.  You left me so confused.  I don’t know what we are right now.  You say you truly love me and you hope to be with me again when you’re ready, but as simple as that sounds, I have no idea what that means.  Are we “broken up”?  Are we “on a break”?  And do either of those make the difference of continued loyalty and commitment between us despite the circumstances?  Or does it mean, given the opportunity, you will date other men or women?  This is something I seriously need to know, and I need you to know that no matter what emotion I attach to either answer, the truth is the answer that’s best for me, and you know it, and you know I deserve it.

Regardless, I do want you to remember that I love you, enough so that I will try and wait for you until you’re ready for whatever it is you’re searching for in this decision.  With this promise also comes the expectation that I’m not waiting on something you never meant in the first place.  Again, I am not accusing you.  But if you want to wait for me too, tell me.  If you have no intention to, by gosh tell me so I can pick myself up and move on.  And most importantly, if you don’t know, let me now.  Because if you don’t know whether you love me or want to be with me, I would hope you at least take this time apart from me, and take it without the accompaniment of new relationships.  Take your time if you’re not sure, and figure out if I’m someone you want to take a chance with before you blow your chance with me.

And finally, know that I can’t wait around forever.  It was one thing to wait for you while you were with me, but I can only wait for you for so long while apart.  If everything you’ve told me is true—that you love me, still want to be my lover, and still want to be with me as we were someday—than I can try striving for friendship with you in the meantime, given you truly don’t want me out of your life.  But I just need so many answers from you, and I truly hope you respect me enough to give me the real answers, regardless of any fears you have of hurting me.

I don’t know where to go from here, I suppose it’s your turn.  No matter how this ends up, even if I may be upset in the moment, I’m writing in perfect clarity right now that I love you and hope the best for you in everything in life.  And I really do hope you can own up to your feelings and strive for an open and honest relationship with your family and friends someday; maybe then you can find the trust you seek from a relationship.

I love you and appreciate your giving me this opportunity and your complete honesty;

-Blue

Four seasons of heartbreak.

I heard somewhere the other day a reference to something called the “Four Seasons of Heartbreak”.  Or maybe it was of “dating”.  Or of “break-up”.  Who’s to say, really.  This is what such an idea means to me:

Summer.

You left me towards the end of spring, though I guess we’d seen some days of summer go by together as well.  All of my initial grieving was done in the midst of summer.

I don’t have many memories of you from last summer.   Mostly just our river valley adventure, and the two ducks that reminded us of ourselves.  Of course our trek to Wok Box afterwards and cozying up to a movie that evening was a good memory too.  There was also the day we were so hot that we took off all our clothes and cuddled up with ice cream bars to Spirited Away.  But perhaps that was the same day—it’s been far too long now.

Summer drew a close to our blossoming romance, and intensified my feelings of loneliness and insecurity.

Autumn.

Towards the end of summer, you were constantly on my mind.  So much so that I tried to get back in touch with you, and succeeded towards the end of July and beginning of August.  This was my first season without you.  I have no memories to cherish, only memories of feeling scorned and broken.

I was strong though.  I felt good about who I was, and what I had to offer you.  I tried really hard to be the person I should have been all along.  I wasn’t what you wanted for yourself, but you lead me to believe that I wasn’t good enough either.  There’s a fine line.

Autumn saw me through new colours of wisdom and actualization.  I shed my inhibitions so that I could see myself through offering  you everything I could, to no avail.

Winter.

Autumn left me barren and desolate.  I’d tried everything, and had at last succumbed to anticipating your fleeting messages every couple of months.  I saw and heard less and less of you.  These cold lonely nights were a stark contrast to the first months that we’d shared when we first met.

The end of January is the last I’ve heard from you.  You contacted me on a day I was at an all time emotional low.  I’d been thinking of you all day.  It felt like karma was on my side once again, and that almost a year after we had started dating, you’d realized that you still loved me.  But you didn’t.  You were honest with me though.  You gave me truths that I needed to hear.

Winter closed with a new and faint warmth burning in my heart.  Days that I physically mourned you grew far more sparse, and I began allowing myself to enjoy the things that make me happy.

Spring.

Much like the indecisive season of spring we had experienced this year, my temperament has ranged from content to defeated.  I’ve been hot and cold.   Last spring, as much as I love the time I spent with you, my memories do recall losses and growing apart.  This season has been filled with sadness and song, and I am encouraged and discouraged by my reality on the daily.

June 20th will be one year since you have left me.  I remember the day as though it were only yesterday.  I spent the morning anticipating getting to see you.  We had a dinner date that night, after you finished at work and the gym.  I got my hair cut and looked especially charming for our rendezvous.   And yet, the car ride was awkward.  The dinner was awkward.  And upon confronting you when we got back to my place my world came crashing down.

This spring brought hope of new enlightenment.  I have new ambitions and new dreams to fulfill.

————————————————————————————————————————————–

I still think of you often.  Even more so as June 20th draws near.  I miss you, and it saddens me to realize how much time we’ve been apart.  I’ve now seen myself through four seasons of heartbreak.  I have experienced four seasons of change and growth without you.  And though I have still not forgotten you, perhaps this season of heartbreak will teach me that forgetting you is something I ought to never try anyways.  I will keep you dear to me, and not feel distressed or sad because of it.  I will keep you in my heart as I change and as I grow, because until I find new seasons of love, you will be and always have been my motivation to be me.

Thursday, July 19th

Dear Diary,

My boyfriend broke up with me on June 20th.  I didn’t know how to handle it at first.  I felt really pathetic.  I was crying and borderline pleading with him to do otherwise.  A couple days later my brother drove me back to my hometown in his stead.

He was supposed to come see me and spend the weekend at my family’s home.  As sad as I was I wouldn’t be seeing him for a month, I couldn’t have been more excited to share all of my memories and close people with him.  I guess if I were to be broken up with however, it was good that it was right before coming home.

Things here have been difficult.  I’m finding myself just a wretch to be around…  Even I notice myself being moodier than usual.  Mom thinks I have anger problems, but who on her side of the family doesn’t!!  It’s hard coping with the amount of stress I’ve been sort-of-not-really dealing with.  It’s easy to say, when I’m alone, that I’m going to work on being patient and not get so angry over things, but when I’m in the moment I just want to lash out and I really can’t even think enough to control myself.  I’ve always been like this I guess, but I really want to be different…  I feel bad about the way I yell at my mom.

xxxxx has been texting me a few times since he left me too, which just adds to my stress and anger.  He insists on being my friend and telling me he misses me, but everytime I get a text or think about everything we’d been through I feel hot and my face burns with every mix of anger, sadness, jealousy, and lonliness.

I dread going back to my apartment.  It will be so empty…  I don’t open up to many people in my life…  I told him more about myself than even my mother, who more or less knows everything.  I trusted him more than I ever should have and shared every part of me with him, and even though all along I knew I wasn’t getting even half of it back from him, I so desperately wanted to be with him forever…
Even now I still want to be with him.  I want to go back and just fall into his arms and cry everything away into his chest.  But I’m going home to nothing.  And if I’m going home to my so-called “friend”, I know I’ll need to set him straight.  I can’t be his safety and I can’t ever take him back… and that tears me apart…

When I look back to my 10th grade first crush, I realize how much it prepared me for this.  I was so alone then, and wasted away to nothing that summer.  I’m better now.  Better at knowing my place and accepting what has happened.  I have no choice.  It’s been 4 years–another summer, another broken heart.  I feel differently now though.  I want to make a change.  I want to SO bad.  I want to just be open about myself to everyone, without a single care or regret.  I don’t want to find myself in a position where I ever have to hurt someone the way I’ve been hurt.  I need to focus now more than ever on how I’m going to get to where I want to end up in life.  I need to put my life in order.  It’s something I’ve been ignorant of since Matt [my first crush].  Since summer ’08.  When I first realized that I hide myself away for a purpose, not just because I’m an introvert.  I have no self-confidence.  I have no ambition, no motivation.  I am an angry and bitter young person with a whole life ahead of me I’ve been refusing to embrace.  I am 20 years old and it’s about time I make a change in my life and try and be happy about something other than the absence or presence of a man.

Will I go back to dating?  Sure!  Probably sooner than later!  But this time I find self-sufficiency and contentedness on my own.  This time I have a job, friends, a life.  This time I’m in control of where I stand.