Tag Archives: forever

Chasing memories…

The very first time I beat Paper Mario, I would have been 9 years old.  In fact, I didn’t beat it at all!  I watched my brother play it through, and saw everything through his eyes.  As a child, and even today, I learn and live and experience things through the eyes of those I look up to.

Rewind a few months and I’m in my best friends basement, being introduced to the game for the first time.  I’d only met him about a year earlier, but we were fast friends.  I spent a lot of time at his house, and he was the first person to interest my brother and I in console gaming.  I remember quite clearly that we were in our sleeping bags behind the couch in his living room, in front of the gaming television.  The lights were out and his dog, Lady, was draped across my legs.  My friend had only come as far as the first three Star Spirits when he introduced the game to me.  I remember, because when I first got my hands on that controller, Lady Bow was his newest partner and she instantly became my eternal favourite.  Presumably bored, or perhaps just taking one of his infamous “cat naps”, my friend dozed off and I spent the night speedy spinning around everywhere I could within the bounds of the Mushroom Kingdom.

I got the game for Christmas that year.  My insistence paid off!  My brother and I were exploring under the tree and he was tearing the corners off of every present to see what was inside when we slowly uncovered that papered “P” in the upper left side of the box cover and I became silly with excitement!

My only downfall as a young gamer was lacking far too much in skill and always relying on my brother to play all my games for me as I watched.  Not that I ever minded.  I got to experience the game first hand without ever feeling the stress of losing to a boss or having a game over, and listening to my brother’s sideways humour throughout the story only made the game that much more charming.  And when he beat it?  A part of me changed forever.

He said that night that–after beating the game, watching the parade, and staring at the fireworks above Princess Peach’s castle as soft orgel music chimed throughout the room–that he could listen to that music for forever.  That he wanted to never shut the Nintendo off, and to fall asleep to the peaceful melody.  And ever since that day I’ve been chasing that memory.  Maybe for him, maybe for myself, I don’t know.  But I would replay this game 6 or 7 times throughout the years since then, every time recalling the very moment he said those words.

Tonight I beat the game once again.  And I realize that, this isn’t the only memory I’ve been chasing.  Things I’ve experienced since that day many years ago that have left the same imprint on my heart have all been things I’ve desperately sought after in the years to follow.  And it sucks that those memories will never be recreated exactly as they were, but a part of me thinks that, in the back of my mind, this is why I’ve wanted children of my own for so long.

Someday I picture myself huddled in a mess of blankets on the floor with little versions of my brother and sister and I.  We’ll be playing my vintage N64, giggling and being loud…  We’ll be chasing memories, and I’ll know that “forever” kind of feeling once again.

Come what may, these fears do stay.

I am afraid.  In a sense I have always been afraid–of where I will end up in life, of whether or not I will be alone, of what I kind of person I will become.  But my biggest fear in life lately has been learning to accomodate myself in your absence.  It’s a nightmare.

As time exceeds old limits of our last encounter, I grow wearier every day.  I miss you, and long to tell you so.  It’s a challenge to crawl into bed at night and feel anything but empty.  I still cry for you.

I never understand what admitting these kind of things ever does for me.  I never know how to deny you.  I feel like I am forever holding onto you when I am someone you let go of a long time ago now.  You don’t even try and keep in touch on a friend basis anymore, and so I am happy that you don’t feel as burdened and consumed as I do.  I am glad you are making something of your life.

It’s not like my life doesn’t look any differently than the last time we met.  I know that I am growing too, inspite of everything.  But it is a stinted growth.  It is growth that is inhibited by fears of leaving the viability of us behind me.  Even after all that has happened, I am still afraid to leave you behind.

You would maybe find this quandary of mine to be funny.  Sad maybe.  Unneccessary.  But I don’t mind.  I am obliged to consider your place in my heart every day, and it is a task I have never relented.  I once considered you to be a reflection of myself–a soul that found answers where I could not, and fell limp where I stood taut.  That has never changed.

I have not forgotten our intricate dynamic.  The way we were never with a stranger in the company of one another.  You were a leader and a bit of an egoist–you shared yourself and I indulged.  It was as if I were designed to love your every whim and make it into my own.  To follow your direction but herald new meaning and breathe life into independant thoughts and shared memories.

And so as it currently stands, it is my understanding that I was born into this world to be that person for you.  I am here to be your other–and if you don’t feel the same for yourself, it has happened on my behalf anyways.

So I am still waiting for you.  I am afraid that I will wait for you for forever.

Winnie the Pooh

Thursday, July 26th

Happy 6 Months.

Half a year.  Half a year I’ve come to love you, and rely on you, and treasure you as my closest friend and companion.

I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.  I feel like in 6 months we’ve built up a complex bridge of memories, and happiness, and sadness, and mistakes between us.  A whole lifetime of feelings exploding within such a small frame of time.  This is beautiful to me.  This is everything to me.

On our 6 months, I want you to know that it’s okay to get overwhelmed and worried.  I am here.  I am always here.  I don’t leave the people I’ve accepted into my most intimate realm.  I can’t even when I try.
You are a part of me now, be it for better or worse.

On our 6 months, I want you to know that I am always thinking of you.  I always wonder what you wonder.  Like a child I look at you through curious eyes, thirsting for your answers.   You are still a secret to me, and I long to spend my life figuring you out.

On our 6 months, I look back at what has taken us to where we are, and I am at peace.  I am in love with what we are.  I am in love with the choices we’ve made and the battles we’ve fought and the grounds we’ve covered.  I am in love with you.

On our 6 months, I see where we can go, but I don’t want to picture a thing anymore.  I want to discover whatever life we can dig up together, and embrace it.  I want us to share this life together, whatever this life may be.

On our 6 months I smile and realize you are someone who has affected me like no other.  I don’t want to live my life around you or for you or in spite of you.  In fact, I want to live it with you.  With you right beside me.  My best friend.

—————————————–

Why am I the only one who feels this way.  What could you have been feeling that made you betray all of our feelings as you have?

Thursday, July 26th

I love you somethin’ fierce.

I never really realized it when I should have, but I do.

Despite every grief you’ve given me, I still feel I’m the one who let you down.  Were you hurting?  Were you scared?
It’s okay to tell me these things.  You told me you valued honesty in our relationship, so you should have been honest with me, goof!
It makes it hard, because I don’t know where your head is at.  I don’t know if you really don’t think I’m the one for you, or if you’re just too scared of love right now, or if you just don’t want to be with me when you can’t be there for me.

Nonetheless, I really do still feel the need to reach out to you.  I want to be everything for you.  I want to find something so much more in myself so I can be the most confident and stable person in your life, which I believe in earnest is something that you need.
I don’t want to wait for you to be ready for me.  I want to take your hand and show you everything you’ve yet to know, because there is a lot.  I am inexperienced and young and without direction, and in conventional ways I have a lot to learn from you too, but I am secure in who I am and where I stand.  I need to show you how beautiful people in your life can be when they are genuine and care so deeply for you that whatever it is that makes you you couldn’t matter in the slightest, as long as it’s you they get to love.  That is what love is.  That is what friendship is.  That is what I am.

I am your number one fan.  I am your ally.  I am your confidant.  I am your everything.  I want you to rely on me and I want you to depend on me.  I want everything I found in you to be the same experience for you, because it’s so beautiful when two people share.  I want you to know what I know.  I want us to know eachother.

I have this one life to live, and I want us to have a real go at it.  I want us to be real and have a certainty within ourselves we didn’t have before.

I know that you do not know bliss with me.  In reality, I don’t know it with you either.  But we never gave eachother a chance.  And a chance is all it really takes to find every answer we need.  Share your world with me and we can grow into people so much stronger than we’ve ever known.

Give me a reason to want to be your friend in spite of everything if we don’t work out.