Tag Archives: friendship

The art of never letting go–

Sailor Moon is literally just everything to me.

I remember watching the show a lot with my brother when we were little.  It only seemed to air at my grandma’s on WB4Kids or something at the time.  I’m sure it aired on YTV at home, but I don’t recall ever finding it.

He grew out of it pretty quickly once Pokémon really hit the school playgrounds.  I used to rent the VHS episodes with my sister in his stead and watch it at home with her.  She was too young to really remember it, but she loved Sailor Venus because she was obsessed with the colour “peach” at the time and refused to believe Venus’ skirt was orange.  (In all honesty though, my brother and I based our favourites on colours as well–his being Sailor Mars for red and mine being Sailor Jupiter for green).

I don’t know why I loved the show or these girls so much, but they really were something special to me back in the day.  Eventually I switched to good ol’ Pokémon as well though.  My brother decidedly began denying he’d ever watched Sailor Moon, my sister forgot it ever existed, and Pokémon had really cool video games, so on I went with my life.

In the fall of 2005 I met my very best friend.  By this point the Pokémon mania had died down as well, and I only continued to play the video games (even to this day!).  I was nearing the end of my obsession with Inuyasha–mostly just because I’d lost track of where I was and missed a bunch of episodes.  My friend was in love with this anime and we briefly bonded over it before going through the emotional middle school roller coaster of friends to enemies to friends all in a weeks worth of time over and over and over again.

In the summer of ’07 I learned of her obsession with Sailor Moon, and at this point it had been almost a decade since I’d even heard of it.  So I decided to watch the first season on Youtube.

So so many memories came flooding back.  The music, the voice actors, the transformations and attacks.  I remember recalling that Jupiter was my favourite as a kid, and anxiously awaited her arrival.  By the time Mars showed up in episode 7 or so, I knew Jupiter had to show up soon!  I didn’t realize Jupiter wouldn’t show up until episode 21, so I started getting this crazy vibe that Molly was Sailor Jupiter around the time Neflite started to believe she was Sailor Moon.  Molly became my absolute favourite side-character as a result of my confusion!!

So watching season 1 turned into watching season 2, and that turned into trying to watch season 3, but I could never find it on Youtube.  So, I bought the entire series.  It arrived and I spent the entire fall-winter season of the 10th grade watching Sailor Moon.

Who am I kidding.  I’ve re-watched it ever year since then as well!

In early 2011, my best friend and I discovered a fan translation of the manga, and we both read that for the first time.

I think later that year, the official English translation was announced and began slowly being released as well.

At this point, the Sailor Moon hype had returned full force and news of an anime revival started flooding in for years until it finally released earlier this month!

Sailor Moon is… eternal.  I feel like these girls and the themes and morals they stand for will be with me forever to help guide me through my days.

Usagi’s fears of pressing forward through fulfilling a role she never had a say in.  Ami’s struggle to discover who she is and what defines her.  Rei’s conflict of emotions from hiding her vulnerabilities behind her confidence.  Mako’s complex between her perceived masculinity and her feminine self.  Minako’s pursuit of being anything but underwhelming.  And even Haruka and Michiru’s gender themes and sexuality, Hotaru’s struggles with her health and goodness in spite of inherent evil, or Setsuna’s loyalties and lonely destiny.

Each of these girls present struggle or a conflict that any person, boy and girl alike, will go through.  And despite all of it, they never fail to be beautiful, wonderful people.

I hope the whole concept of Sailor Moon is reincarnated forever for all young people to be influenced by.  May we all master the art of never letting go, in the name of the moon!

 

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Friendship and Me

Sometimes I wonder if friendship is a real thing.  I find myself looking back over the years and seeing who has been with me through and through.  Truthfully?  Only my immediate family.  And even then, only as much as I allow.

I variably keep in touch with childhood friends.  My best friend from my teen years is still someone I hold very dearly, but we have spent a lot of time apart now and don’t connect as often as we used to.  And people I consider friends today… well I actually have a hard time coping with my understanding of them as friends at all.

What is the criteria?  What kind of things can and should I expect from a friend?  I like to think nothing.  I don’t want to–nor do I know how to–expect or anticipate anything from anyone.  I don’t trust anyone’s feelings towards me.  I don’t expect anyone to regard me as a friend.

Whose to say I don’t quit my job?  My only two friends in the city were met through work, and one of them has already become very distant from me since she left.  If I leave, what makes me feel safe enough to trust that someone should want to spend time with me outside the realm of convenience?

I wonder of this has always been a problem of mine.  If I just grew up expecting that people weren’t drawn to me so much as they were drawn to formality.  Heck, I can’t even keep myself interested.  Why should I anticipate any better from these strangers?

Over the years, people have changed, and I have not.  I have found that it is impossible to become a constant in another person’s life if I continue to remain a constant in my own.  How long before I have no one left at all?

“Nobody loves me, everybody hates me”

“Nobody loves me, everybody hates me!”  You used to chant.  Maybe you still do, but I wouldn’t really know anymore.  It had been so long since I’ve heard from you.  I miss you so much.

I couldn’t believe you called me the other night.  When I saw the caller I.D. on my phone say “***** Home”, I was in total shock!  That’s why I answered the phone with a reluctant “Hello?”.  Since it was your parents home phone calling me and not your cellphone, I instantly decided either:

A)  Your mom was worried about me as I’ve avoided all contact with her lately as well, or

B)  You broke up with your boyfriend and moved back home, obviously looking to your best friend for support once again.

A part of me really hoped it was “B”.  I was so hopeful that you’d moved back home and found yourself feeling lonely and missing me, the same way I feel about you almost every day!  I even tried fishing for the details right off the bat, but I don’t know if you noticed.

It meant a lot to me that you called me again.  A long time ago I decided that I would not go out of my way to make first contact with you, because you always wound up being too busy which made me feel so insignificant.  I also just felt weird being the one to seek out your time.  Our whole friendship, we’ve succeeded by your prying and constant seeking attention from me.  Back then, I knew that I was important to you.  Now I’m not as sure…

I know that I will always be someone you care about, and I know that you do not hold me in any negative regard, but I can’t help but feel that my friendship isn’t important to you anymore.  And I don’t know how I should expect myself to feel anything different…

If I’m not important to you anymore, I want there to be a finality to it.  I don’t want to hold onto memories of you anymore.  I don’t want to miss you and to fleetingly anticipate spending time with you and your family again if it is likely never to come true.  I don’t want to hold on to you the way I’ve been holding onto everything else that makes me sad.

Forgive me if I’m being cold.  But you’ve known me a very long time now.  You should know that I don’t abide by the formalities involved in personal relationships.  If I find myself feeling unnecessary, then I remove myself.  Please let me remove myself if I’ve become unnecessary to you.

Your chant has become my own.  Don’t torment me with your friendship if it doesn’t exist anymore.

“My love, my lobster”

I remember when I first met you.  We were in the 8th grade, and there was just something about you that took me by storm.  Very few people penetrate the boundaries I place myself within, but you were destined to be of that few.

I don’t know what it was.  The notion that you looked liked Amanda Bynes, the way you walked and stood pigeon-toed, the faint remains of purple dye in your hair that was craftily done up and held in place with two pencils–you were just interesting to me in every way!

At the time when we first met, I still was unsure about where my interests sat in regards to sexual preferences.  I remember thinking to myself that maybe you could be someone I would fall in love with, and to be honest with you, I do really think that under different circumstances, that could have been viable!  I am sorry that life chose a different path for me.

What I inevitably lacked in physical interest was more than made up for in emotional interest, however.  For as long as I’ve known you, I have been emotionally and mentally invested in you.  I think about you constantly, I think about things I’d rather be doing with you than doing alone, and for every boyfriend you’ve had (or rekindled romance with Paul!!) I’ve been resiliently bitter and jealous, sometimes to the point of abusing your trust in our friendship and turning my back on you…  I was so stupid sometimes.

Over the years, I’ve really learned to open up to you and your family more than all other people.  I’ve come to fall in love with you in my own way, and appreciate my place within your world and treasure your place within mine.  Some of the only good in my life that I know how to value right now are memories with you.  Train track walks, river valley treks, hours upon hours of phone calls and video games, talking way past our bed times (not that either of us have really ever abided by a formal “bed time”), and just spending every moment with you and feeling as though it were an adventure.  Yes, even the moments where we can’t decide what to do and settle for junk food and Cosmo!

And today?  I miss you.  A lot lately I have missed you.  I understand that we are older know, and you have found a more appropriate person to invest the kind of love you had for me in, but I sense that we have grown apart in the long run.

Perhaps it is my fault.  I am very sad in my life right now, and am not very confident in my ability to remain interesting to people.  I have been reluctant to reach out to you.  I know ultimately it’s not really anyone’s fault though… our lives are just turning two different chapters in this book of friendship.  I hope we find ourselves on the same page again soon.

I can’t express to you enough that you will always be my very best friend, and no matter where life and time takes us, for you I will always be here waiting.  Our friendship has seen many ups and downs over the years, and because of that I know that I can always depend on it to stand rock solid.

You’re my rock, hun.  And I’ll always be your lobster.

For whom my knowledge thirsts.

I am a not a people person.  (But that’s not to say that I am not personable).  For my whole life, I have never known myself to be comfortable or entirely invested in getting to know any given individual.  It’s just kind of who I am.  I’m an introvert.  Obviously I have my mom and my sister.  My one best friend whom I met when I was 13 (and even then the level of comfort I have with her now took years to develop).  I have two coworkers that I have bonded with over this past year.  And, well, that’s about it.  Apart from my ex of course, but that’s a little one sided.

My point is, there are very few people in this world who I have met that I just… jive with.  Someone who–for no apparent reason–just captivates me.  Someone I find myself emulating.  Someone I go out of my way to interact with; learn about, ask questions, propose activities to.  Someone whose soul crosses paths with mine just as the proverbial stars fall perfectly in line.

I met someone the other day.

We are training him at our Starbucks, and eventually sending him to another store.  It didn’t take long to find myself very involved in trying to learn more about him.  It has been nice–finding myself interested in something.  Someone, even!

And I’m not fawning over him like this is love at first sight, or anything of the sort.  Sure I am attracted to him, but I am also interested in him as a person, and that’s what makes this unique for me.  So for the past few days I have spent all my time with him at work, prodding him for details of his life and his being.  I want to know him.

So, I gave him my number today.  I am so nervous!!  I tried to do so innocently enough, but I am a bit rusty at reaching out to people at this point in my life.  Today is the last day I will have seen him unless he texts me and we arrange to hang out, and the suspense is killing me!  I don’t know how long is appropriate that I should wait before I start losing hope!

I guess I just wanted to get this out on my blog because it would be nice to open up my life to a new person, and let myself learn and grow under a new friendship.  I’d like to write about my experiences here if I am graced with such an opportunity!

So wish me luck!!  –Blue

Thursday, June 20th, 2013 — The next day of the rest of my life.

It has been one year since you left me.

My day has gone better than I’d expected.  I’ve been busy though, so maybe it’s just been a distraction.  In the year since you’ve left me, a lot of my better days have been due to distraction.

I’ve been thinking about writing to you on this day for the better part of the year now, and my heart has pulled me in many different directions, but now that the day is here, I’m really at a loss of what to say apart from… you broke me.  You really and truly left my heart and my soul in shambles.  Out of the past 365 days, I have only seen you on a handful of them.  And yet, I have felt the ramnifications of your past decisions throughout every single passing moment.

I am not angry anymore.  I hardly even feel flustered when I think about the opportunities you passed up with me in favour of someone new.  I remember being on the verge of working myself into an episode a couple of weeks ago, but the moment passed, and my day went forth.  That’s not to say I am no longer sad, or burdened.  Of course I am sad.  Your absence from my life will be a burden for as long as I love you, and the kind of love I feel for you never really goes away.  But I am not angry with your decisions anymore.  I am not angry with my current situation anymore.  And I guess that’s really as good as it gets!

I wish that I had the strength to reach out to you again and see what your life looks like today.  If I’d known back then what I know now however, I would have never been in touch with you at all since the day you left me.  I’m not over you, and reintroducing you to my life now would only stand to prove it.

I think I might start writing to you less.  Maybe even altogether.  I’ve run out of things to say to you, really.  It doesn’t help that you do not receive any of these anonymous letters in the first place.  Perhaps someday I will direct you to this site, but then I realize that’s not doing either of us any good.

If I could have done right by you… I think that I would have told you from day one why you could never be my friend–and for reasons so much more than just the pain of seeing you happy without me.  I just know that friendship is something I could never have attained from you after all was said and done.  In some respects, I feel like I never truly was your friend in the first place.  It wasn’t fair to put either of us through the same relationship we’d just been through only to have it sullied by a label far less sacred.

And that’s what my life’s struggle has been this past year.  Coming to terms with what I’ve known all along, but been far too terrified to admit.  I don’t want you in my life.  I didn’t want to prolong what was inevitable.  And now I understand that, no matter what we could have shared, no matter what I feel I missed out on, no matter what that second chance would have created, I would still be alone.  I would still have your back turned towards me.

The very first time I ever saw you, I was closing the door of your car as I tucked my legs inside and laughed at your nervous joke about my height.  The very last time I saw you, you were closing the door to my apartment as your nervous stare disappeared behind the crack of light from the hallway outside.  One thing has never changed in all this time, xxxxx.  I can know everything there is to know about you, and yet still know nothing about you at all.

For the first time, I think this really is goodbye.  The day you left me was the first day of the rest of my life, and today feels something like the second.

Thursday, July 26th

Happy 6 Months.

Half a year.  Half a year I’ve come to love you, and rely on you, and treasure you as my closest friend and companion.

I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.  I feel like in 6 months we’ve built up a complex bridge of memories, and happiness, and sadness, and mistakes between us.  A whole lifetime of feelings exploding within such a small frame of time.  This is beautiful to me.  This is everything to me.

On our 6 months, I want you to know that it’s okay to get overwhelmed and worried.  I am here.  I am always here.  I don’t leave the people I’ve accepted into my most intimate realm.  I can’t even when I try.
You are a part of me now, be it for better or worse.

On our 6 months, I want you to know that I am always thinking of you.  I always wonder what you wonder.  Like a child I look at you through curious eyes, thirsting for your answers.   You are still a secret to me, and I long to spend my life figuring you out.

On our 6 months, I look back at what has taken us to where we are, and I am at peace.  I am in love with what we are.  I am in love with the choices we’ve made and the battles we’ve fought and the grounds we’ve covered.  I am in love with you.

On our 6 months, I see where we can go, but I don’t want to picture a thing anymore.  I want to discover whatever life we can dig up together, and embrace it.  I want us to share this life together, whatever this life may be.

On our 6 months I smile and realize you are someone who has affected me like no other.  I don’t want to live my life around you or for you or in spite of you.  In fact, I want to live it with you.  With you right beside me.  My best friend.

—————————————–

Why am I the only one who feels this way.  What could you have been feeling that made you betray all of our feelings as you have?