Tag Archives: future

On setting goals–

Do people actually think about what their life is going to be like? 5 years from now? 10? Do people actually make life plans and set goals? I’ve heard this all my life and yet I’ve failed to make any plans at all. I have zero expectations, except for maybe a few bad expectations. Planning is such a farce to me. I feel so unsupported and so incapable.

I just finished talking with my mom on the phone. We talk often enough, but every few months I feel so synonymously overwhelmed and underwhelmed with my life that I need to vent to her. Honestly? Trying to vent to her is just self-sabotaging, but I really have no one else.

Today’s stressor: Money. Finances. Moolah. And how I have none of it.

It all started 4 years ago. I think that I had maybe anticipated having high expectations moving to the city to attend post-secondary, but I was just going through the motions. You graduate high school, you take a year off to “find yourself”. You go to university, you meets someone special, you graduate, you get a real job, you get married, you make real money, you have a real life. I just couldn’t follow through. I wasn’t there yet. I’m not there now. And between being gay and dropping out of university, I’ve become my parent’s number 1 disappointment in life. They’ll never admit it to my face (actually that’s a lie, they’ve basically already admitted it in so many words), but I am disappointing. Even to myself.

They seem to think it’s appropriate to always, always respond to my fears about finances with an unsympathetic head tilt and a “well, you know what you have to do”. *Cough, cough* *wink, wink* *nudge, nudge* SCHOOL.

I can’t go back to school. Not now, maybe not ever. I can’t make myself pick a career or pick some courses out of a hat and just go for it. My heart will never be in it.

I tried communicating that to my mom on the phone today, and it didn’t work. It never does. I tried telling her that it’s hard for me to predict what my life will look like in 10 years, because my heart truly isn’t even invested in myself. I told her that it’s easiest for me to think I won’t be around in 10 years, because when I try to imagine what life would be like, I’m entirely disappointed.

All she had to say to me was that I’m just having a bad day and then asked if I watched last night’s episode of Big Brother.

She always does that, changes the subject. I try and confront her about it, tell her that I feel unloved and unsupported, and she says that I’ve ranted and there’s nothing else she can do about it. Then she swiftly changes the subject again before I can engage her at all. I mean yea, maybe she’s vastly under-equipped for my state of mind these past few years, but the fact that there’s just such a huge wall between my feelings and her is so utterly despairing to me. I feel like I have nobody. I feel like of all the people in the world, my own mother, I shouldn’t have to feel ashamed of my feelings or embarrassed that she may not take them seriously.

Now I try and put on a brave face for a few months until I need to release, only to have my feelings rejected all over again.

I’m tired of feeling like all I have to offer people are blank stares and empty smiles and remedial laughter. I’m tired of going unnoticed for who I actually am and how I actually feel.   I’m tired of people expecting me to be somebody in their lives in 10 years, in any capacity, when I already feel like I’m so immeasurably separate. I don’t want to be here in 10 years. I’ve made my first life plan.

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What I’ve always wanted

I am almost 22 years old.  I know, I know, that is still so young, but in the eyes of a 22 year old such as myself, I can’t help but notice how much time I’ve wasted since I graduated high school in 2010.

I’ve seen friends go through University, many of which are finishing with the next year.  I’ve seen classmates get married and have a child, some of them even two children by now!  I have seen happiness, and successes, and travels… and I have seen them all through the screen of my laptop.

I deleted my Facebook account about 6 months ago because I was sick of comparing my reality and my happiness to others.

I remember when I was still in high school, all I ever thought I wanted for myself was a husband who would love me and children I could raise and love.  But that was never enough for anybody.  All I ever heard was that I’m stupid to think I can rely on that kind of future, and that it will never happen for someone like me.  And maybe that’s true, I thought.  So eventually I guess I just let that fantasy go.  After all, it was just a fantasy.  I moved to the city and enrolled in University for a year.  Of course it never lasted, as I wasn’t happy going to school and felt aimless as I didn’t know what path I wanted to pursue.

But today, for the first time in a long time, I thought about what I wanted again.  And once again, I thought to myself that I just want to nest.

I want to build a home.  I want to kiss someone special in the morning and send them on their way.  I want to rouse his children from their beds and make their every morning special.  I want to spend my day alone, exercising, cleaning, baking–nesting.  I want to welcome a beautiful family home to their paradise every day.  Let them know I love them and embrace the knowledge that I have people to love me back.

I don’t want a lot.  I just want that.  And it’s easy for people to persuade me into believing that that is just me being lazy and wanting someone to take care of me, but I really don’t think that is what this is at all.  In fact, I know that this is what I want because it is me who wants to take care of someone.  Maybe it’s a simple dream and maybe I should expect more from myself, but this is how I picture myself when I’m at my happiest.  At home.  A home that I made for people that I love.

Attainable innocence.

I find myself in a state of constant wonder and fear.  I wonder what my future looks like.  I wonder what kind of people are kept within that future.  I wonder if there will be another somebody who will hold my heart.  I fear that there won’t be.

I wonder though, should I ever find myself facing someone I would potentially develop feelings with, I wonder if I will ever feel the same innocence as I did with my first relationship.  I wonder if first kisses, and first touches, will be as memorable and as comfortably uncomfortable.  I wonder if new flames will share that same vulnerable, beautiful light as the first.

What if it doesn’t?  Will it mean he’s just not the one?  Or will it simply mean that innocence is inconceivable in the eyes of those who have been broken?

I just want to feel whole again.  I want to be naive to the reality of cruel intentions.  Selfish intentions.  I want to know that there’s a person out there who holds a part of me that I have lost.  I want to know that there is still a place in this world where innocence is attainable.

The empty bucket list.

So just because my mind is so incredibly ill-focused right now, I will channel everything I have into making a bucket list.  I am but 20, this is true, but I’m such an introverted old soul.  I could use a bucket list to motivate and inspire me.

1.  I will go fishing someday.  I will take a paddle boat out into the middle of a pond/slew/lake/what-have-you, I will wear a bucket hat with a tacky hook fastened to it, and I will catch a minimum of one fish.

2.  I will go ice skating.  Preferably with a romantic interest, whom will hold my hand and help me up when I fall.  I will not so gracefully glide and spin and charm the pants off whoever he may be.

3.  I will buy nice clothes.  This one I’ve started already, but I will continue.  I will own nice jackets and pants and I will be seasonal in my style.  I will fake confidence until I make confidence.  I will probably wear these clothes when I charm the pants off my ice skating partner.  Maybe not to fishing though.

4.  I will go the gym.  I will try everything there, and I will sweat.  I will go home and shower and feel like shit, but I will also feel like I just went to the gym, so my cool factor is likely to have increased 10-fold.  Afterall, these days I feel like gymsters are the only people deserving of friends and love and money.  People are so dynamic in their personal relationships, I tell you.

5.  I will join a yoga class.  And not only that, I’ll be awesome at it.  A natural.  It’s bound to happen.

6.  I will learn patience.  I will learn to relax.  I will learn to not look so heavy into things, especially if I’m looking into them so negatively.  I will work on not being stressed and not being critical.  And I will do this for no one but myself.

7.  I will ride horseback with my non-existent man.  He will have his arms reached around my waist, and his confidence in his horsemanship will be aplenty.  Even if he’s really no good at it.  And if my day is really going great, there will be an unbuttoned shirt and cowboy hat involved.

8.  I will get married.  I will find someone who appreciates me for who I am and tolerates my way of thinking.  I will live happily forever with someone who can be open and honest with me and listens to me when I am being open and honest as well.   I will find someone who knows me enough to sometimes just not take my bitterness personally.  Hell, maybe he’ll even find it endearing.

9.  I will have babies.  And I will learn to be a nurturer and a caregiver.  I will learn patience, as I mentioned earlier, and I will raise socially and morally aware young men and women in a world bound to be void of both.

10.  I will be happy.  And that is all I have to say about that.

This is my bucket list.  For now.  Maybe I’ll add things.  Maybe I won’t.  Hopefully I’ll find more than 10 things I hope do to with my life over the next 50~ years.  Honestly I really don’t know though.  Thinking about these things make me happy.  And I am very practical, surprisingly enough.