Tag Archives: goals

I hate myself.

I just really, really hate myself. I have a fleeting moment of confidence where I feel I’m sufficiently capable of being a grown up and then I remember that I’m awful and such a thing is indelibly unattainable.

I went back home for Christmas to spend the holiday with my family and it was the worst.  I got into it with my mother on Christmas Eve after being treated like a second rate human being compared to my siblings by both her and my dad.  Long story short I told her I’m not certain I would even come by anymore if I weren’t financially dependent on them (my parents).

Then I got home and I started to think, you know, maybe it’s really time I just settle on a life course and see where it takes me already, because my current path hit a dead end about 2-3 years ago. I started craving my hometown, and not the town my parents live in that I spent my adolescence in, but the town we relocated from to get there; the town where I spent my youth.  I haven’t been back in half a life time.  Literally.  I was 12 when we left and I turn 24 this year.  Honestly, though the move never bothered me at the time, I find myself wondering what my life would be like today had we not left.  Our family was more bonded before the move, particularly between all of us kids’ individual relationships with our dad.  Though I’m not certain that had anything to do with the move…

Anyways, my point here is that I find myself wondering lately if I would be a different person today had we stayed. I see all these people I grew up with settling into careers and living capable, fulfilling lives, and I just can’t say the same for myself.  If I stayed, would I have been influenced to pursue other hobbies growing up?  Would I have found a talent or an interest I could devote myself too?  My neighbour, a boy my sister’s age I used to play with, he’s still playing hockey 12 years later, playing for a minor league team and undoubtedly pursuing a long term career out of this.  One of my best friends growing up, a crafty girl who always loved to doodle and make art projects runs her own art store now and seems to absolutely love what she does.  Radio emcee, astrophysics, salon manager, graphic design, you name it.  Everyone I know is doing something they love, and it’s a product of years of pursuing that specific interest and making it into something they can do for a living, all the while I sit in my apartment alone wondering what my interests even are so I can do something other than hate myself.

I moved to the city to pursue laboratory sciences, and after 1 semester at University I quickly fell off that band wagon and realized I wasn’t near passionate enough to devote 4 years of my life, blood, sweat, and tears into something I chose on a whim.  However, I recently found a more comfortable program for me for the same thing at a different institution and I wonder if I should just… try again.  I think probably my rationale behind wanting to pursue such a career is that growing up, my sister’s two closest friends both had mother’s working this exact job or similar to it.  And that caters to me in the sense that I’ve always wanted to have a family of my own and I idolized both these women a lot growing up, so much so that it would almost feel fulfilling to me to pursue this in that regard.  They were both so friendly; always smiling and always so caring.  They both were ambitious and I feel they both truly have everything.  A husband, children, a career, and the patience and resilience to manage all 3 of those things without ever losing face.  I wish I could be like that so desperately…

And that brings me to today. I lost my hair ties.  “What?” you ask?  I spent like a crap ton of money on these ultra-cute hair ties for me, my sister, and my sister in law’s stocking stuffers for Christmas, and I was incredibly excited to wear mine, because I’ve been growing my hair out for what seems like forever (I had an anxiety attack and hacked off months of effort which set me back a lot) and finally I am able to tie my hair back properly.  So I go hunting for my hair ties I had last seen not 2 weeks ago… and they’re gone.  I was already running late for work today so I left in a panic and yelled at my mom over the phone to look around her house in case I left them there… nothing.  It really got to me.  It’s really getting to me.  It will really get at me in the morning.  They were one of a kind that I bought online and they’re just gone without a trace.  Then I spent 8 hours at work hating myself and hating my life because karma just really seems to dislike me and these kind of things always happen to me!  Side note: while typing this my laptop died because I unplugged it for the first time in half a decade to move my makeshift coffee table around so I could accommodate my new area rug and forgot to plug it back in…  You see??

And these things ACTUALLY FACTUALLY bother me. I mean I go ballistic and you’d think you’re witnessing someone who should be sent to an asylum.  I throw tantrums like a 2 year old and coincidentally I’ve been throwing them ever since I were 2!  I become overwhelmed with anger and hate for myself for being stupid enough to misplace something I was so excited about and I honestly feel the urge to harm myself.

What’s worse is I’ll probably call my mother again in the morning and rip her a new ass hole like she had anything to do with this at all, just because I need to scream at someone other than myself to relinquish some of my anguish.

And now I’m sitting here typing, thinking that my ever being an adult is such a farce. I’m a financial and emotional cripple.  How is someone like me supposed to go through school and practicum and 30 years of dedicated work without blowing a gasket on someone undeserving over something petty…  I don’t know that I can.

What’s holding me back the most though is my lack of motivation. What is this really all for?  At the end of the day I don’t have someone who loves me, I don’t have children who depend on me, I don’t have hobbies or friends… I have no reason to do anything more than what I’m doing right now… and that’s despairing to me.  I want more from life but I can’t achieve it.  I wouldn’t see the point if I could.

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On setting goals–

Do people actually think about what their life is going to be like? 5 years from now? 10? Do people actually make life plans and set goals? I’ve heard this all my life and yet I’ve failed to make any plans at all. I have zero expectations, except for maybe a few bad expectations. Planning is such a farce to me. I feel so unsupported and so incapable.

I just finished talking with my mom on the phone. We talk often enough, but every few months I feel so synonymously overwhelmed and underwhelmed with my life that I need to vent to her. Honestly? Trying to vent to her is just self-sabotaging, but I really have no one else.

Today’s stressor: Money. Finances. Moolah. And how I have none of it.

It all started 4 years ago. I think that I had maybe anticipated having high expectations moving to the city to attend post-secondary, but I was just going through the motions. You graduate high school, you take a year off to “find yourself”. You go to university, you meets someone special, you graduate, you get a real job, you get married, you make real money, you have a real life. I just couldn’t follow through. I wasn’t there yet. I’m not there now. And between being gay and dropping out of university, I’ve become my parent’s number 1 disappointment in life. They’ll never admit it to my face (actually that’s a lie, they’ve basically already admitted it in so many words), but I am disappointing. Even to myself.

They seem to think it’s appropriate to always, always respond to my fears about finances with an unsympathetic head tilt and a “well, you know what you have to do”. *Cough, cough* *wink, wink* *nudge, nudge* SCHOOL.

I can’t go back to school. Not now, maybe not ever. I can’t make myself pick a career or pick some courses out of a hat and just go for it. My heart will never be in it.

I tried communicating that to my mom on the phone today, and it didn’t work. It never does. I tried telling her that it’s hard for me to predict what my life will look like in 10 years, because my heart truly isn’t even invested in myself. I told her that it’s easiest for me to think I won’t be around in 10 years, because when I try to imagine what life would be like, I’m entirely disappointed.

All she had to say to me was that I’m just having a bad day and then asked if I watched last night’s episode of Big Brother.

She always does that, changes the subject. I try and confront her about it, tell her that I feel unloved and unsupported, and she says that I’ve ranted and there’s nothing else she can do about it. Then she swiftly changes the subject again before I can engage her at all. I mean yea, maybe she’s vastly under-equipped for my state of mind these past few years, but the fact that there’s just such a huge wall between my feelings and her is so utterly despairing to me. I feel like I have nobody. I feel like of all the people in the world, my own mother, I shouldn’t have to feel ashamed of my feelings or embarrassed that she may not take them seriously.

Now I try and put on a brave face for a few months until I need to release, only to have my feelings rejected all over again.

I’m tired of feeling like all I have to offer people are blank stares and empty smiles and remedial laughter. I’m tired of going unnoticed for who I actually am and how I actually feel.   I’m tired of people expecting me to be somebody in their lives in 10 years, in any capacity, when I already feel like I’m so immeasurably separate. I don’t want to be here in 10 years. I’ve made my first life plan.

What I’ve always wanted

I am almost 22 years old.  I know, I know, that is still so young, but in the eyes of a 22 year old such as myself, I can’t help but notice how much time I’ve wasted since I graduated high school in 2010.

I’ve seen friends go through University, many of which are finishing with the next year.  I’ve seen classmates get married and have a child, some of them even two children by now!  I have seen happiness, and successes, and travels… and I have seen them all through the screen of my laptop.

I deleted my Facebook account about 6 months ago because I was sick of comparing my reality and my happiness to others.

I remember when I was still in high school, all I ever thought I wanted for myself was a husband who would love me and children I could raise and love.  But that was never enough for anybody.  All I ever heard was that I’m stupid to think I can rely on that kind of future, and that it will never happen for someone like me.  And maybe that’s true, I thought.  So eventually I guess I just let that fantasy go.  After all, it was just a fantasy.  I moved to the city and enrolled in University for a year.  Of course it never lasted, as I wasn’t happy going to school and felt aimless as I didn’t know what path I wanted to pursue.

But today, for the first time in a long time, I thought about what I wanted again.  And once again, I thought to myself that I just want to nest.

I want to build a home.  I want to kiss someone special in the morning and send them on their way.  I want to rouse his children from their beds and make their every morning special.  I want to spend my day alone, exercising, cleaning, baking–nesting.  I want to welcome a beautiful family home to their paradise every day.  Let them know I love them and embrace the knowledge that I have people to love me back.

I don’t want a lot.  I just want that.  And it’s easy for people to persuade me into believing that that is just me being lazy and wanting someone to take care of me, but I really don’t think that is what this is at all.  In fact, I know that this is what I want because it is me who wants to take care of someone.  Maybe it’s a simple dream and maybe I should expect more from myself, but this is how I picture myself when I’m at my happiest.  At home.  A home that I made for people that I love.