Tag Archives: goodbye

Note to self:

I wasn’t aware it’s been over a year now since I’ve posted anything here. I haven’t felt inspired to write for quite some time.  And even though things have been hard for me, instead I’d like to write about someone else’s struggle.  I’m sure I will never truly know why things happened the way they did, but on some level I am deeply sympathetic to Park Bom, and 2NE1’s disbandment makes perfect sense to me.

News of Bom’s “drug scandal” (not what I’d call it, but what I think doesn’t matter in context) changed things forever for 2NE1. The criticism from people was unreal, and given the drug she had brought into the country was an anti-depressant, it’s obvious she was already in a vulnerable state of mind.  The group was put on hiatus, and eventually Minzy left the group entirely to pursue her own interests.  To think of what it felt like for Bom at this time is much like taking a look at my own life.  How could she not blame herself for this?  The whole world was looking for someone to accept responsibility, and well-intentioned or not, the things people were saying were destructive.  Destructive to her and her heart.

I know this because I’ve been there. Every day I combat my own feelings of my mistakes and my shortcomings, and I’m sure Bom does too.  But other people’s opinions weigh heavily on our minds, and even things that are said in support of us will sometimes have just the opposite effect.

It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault that 2NE1 broke up. Maybe it was CL’s fault, and YG’s too. Their favoring her marketing and solo debut detracted too much from everyone else and made disbandment the easiest option.  Maybe it was Minzy’s fault.  Being impatient and unsupportive and wanting to distance herself.  Or maybe it’s our faults; Blackjacks and society in general.  Maybe life happened, and 2NE1 suddenly found themselves at different places emotionally.  Can we blame CL for having incredible potential?  Can we blame YG for helping her and focusing on her while the group is on hiatus?  Can we blame Minzy for being driven and not wanting to waste another moment she could be using to invest in herself and her future?  We can, but all the while Bom is listening and her heart is hurting, because at the root of all the blame is someone who feels there is no one to blame but herself.

YG has stated Bom was 2NE1’s undoing, and on the surface perhaps this is true. But maybe instead of blaming her or anyone else involved, we should just be accepting.  Accepting of 3 young women (shout out to Dara!) who are ready to face the world and make themselves proud.  And accepting of another young woman who has faced more criticism than anyone ever should, and recognize that her flaws are our own.  Does anyone know how this makes her feel?

We all make mistakes. We all feel inadequate.  We all feel flawed.

We are all Park Bom.

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Absolute Farewell; …

…as in I will never hypothetically speak to you again.  No more letters, no more musings, at least none that I can anticipate being directly meant for you.

I found pictures of you on instagram today.  I’d like to pretend that I wasn’t looking, but I think I really was.  I didn’t *have* to be casually browsing an instagram account that belonged to a location you were sure to hang out at that just so happened to post tons of group photos of it’s clients.  I also didn’t *have* to quickly skim over all the pictures, glancing left and right for any trace of your ever-recognizable face.  But I did.  Ohhhhh did I.

Earlier this year, one of my cats got crazy sick, and I was so certain that she’d taken all of my feelings away from you.  As it turns out, a lot of it was just distraction.  Of course I still think about you, but of course, like any relatively sane human being, I have thought of you less and less.

Anyways, obviously I wouldn’t torture myself with “coincidentally” finding pictures of you online and “accidentally” spotting you out a mile away from me on the streets unless I still had a case of the lingers.  I can only pretend karma’s a bitch for so long before I need to own up!!

But today’s picture findings were different somehow.  Maybe it’s that this time around, I can actually see your face, and not your trashy manhood pics.  Buuuut I’d hate to admit that after all this time, my emotional train wreck of a life has no one to blame but me and my attachment to your junk.  *sigh*

You look gay.

Which is totally, absolutely, splendidly, totally actually fine.  But I didn’t fall in love with a gay man.  I fell in love with a hetero-normative closet case who played video games and worked out.  Which in a weird way, is kind of what made my feelings for you so hardcore.  I’m by no means trapped in the closet or shy about who I am, but I just have this complex of being in a totally heterosexually-defined role play of a relationship.  One where, duh, I play the classy lady who gets pretend knocked up with your kids and spends all day raising hell (I mean a family).

It’s messed, I know.  It’s probably something I need to work on!  I guess I just really appreciate the stereotypical roles in a relationship, even though I will never be in a stereotypical relationship.  At least not in this decade!!

AAAANYWAYS, societal expectations and gender confusion aside, I’m just not that into you anymore.  At least not based off of how you look.  (Holy crap this makes me sound like an asshole).  But honestly, I’m proud of you for it.

You look happy.  You look out.  I had a hard time accepting that you weren’t truly happy in our relationship, but my gosh was it ever obvious looking back.  I’m glad that you have friends you can relate your life experiences and problems to, and can (seemingly) express yourself in a way that is so odd for me to see now that it’s obvious it would have never happened in my la la land machine.

I’ll probably always be a little jaded that my first love, (and a love so fine at that), never worked out, but I feel a little bit released from you finally.  I feel less like there’s something I need to prove of myself should we ever accidentally bump into each other.  I’m looking for a big ol’ earthy potato, and you’re looking for fruity little boysenberries.  We don’t even share a flipping garden anymore, God bless.

So even though you clearly never sought my permission to begin with, I give you permission to live your life.  And I’ll try and give myself that same courtesy at long last!

I fucking love what you were for me, and it’s probably best I never see you again  ;)

Traitor.

You, caught up in my despair.

Your fault.

Your feelings by which you swear.

Your fault.

 

Sex and virtue.

Love and trust.

Sin and sinner,

lust, lust.

 

My heart akin to no known reason–

Erase the doubt, erase the treason.

 

—————————————————-

 

Me.  I’m the traitor.  I’m sweeping you under the rug.  I seek to let your feelings die.  Despite all my pain, I now choose to leave you in the dark. 

It is safer there.  You cannot see me there.

I am sorry that I have kept you steadfast for so long.  I am sorry that I will never answer your feelings.  I am sorry that I never could answer my own.

Thursday, June 20th, 2013 — The next day of the rest of my life.

It has been one year since you left me.

My day has gone better than I’d expected.  I’ve been busy though, so maybe it’s just been a distraction.  In the year since you’ve left me, a lot of my better days have been due to distraction.

I’ve been thinking about writing to you on this day for the better part of the year now, and my heart has pulled me in many different directions, but now that the day is here, I’m really at a loss of what to say apart from… you broke me.  You really and truly left my heart and my soul in shambles.  Out of the past 365 days, I have only seen you on a handful of them.  And yet, I have felt the ramnifications of your past decisions throughout every single passing moment.

I am not angry anymore.  I hardly even feel flustered when I think about the opportunities you passed up with me in favour of someone new.  I remember being on the verge of working myself into an episode a couple of weeks ago, but the moment passed, and my day went forth.  That’s not to say I am no longer sad, or burdened.  Of course I am sad.  Your absence from my life will be a burden for as long as I love you, and the kind of love I feel for you never really goes away.  But I am not angry with your decisions anymore.  I am not angry with my current situation anymore.  And I guess that’s really as good as it gets!

I wish that I had the strength to reach out to you again and see what your life looks like today.  If I’d known back then what I know now however, I would have never been in touch with you at all since the day you left me.  I’m not over you, and reintroducing you to my life now would only stand to prove it.

I think I might start writing to you less.  Maybe even altogether.  I’ve run out of things to say to you, really.  It doesn’t help that you do not receive any of these anonymous letters in the first place.  Perhaps someday I will direct you to this site, but then I realize that’s not doing either of us any good.

If I could have done right by you… I think that I would have told you from day one why you could never be my friend–and for reasons so much more than just the pain of seeing you happy without me.  I just know that friendship is something I could never have attained from you after all was said and done.  In some respects, I feel like I never truly was your friend in the first place.  It wasn’t fair to put either of us through the same relationship we’d just been through only to have it sullied by a label far less sacred.

And that’s what my life’s struggle has been this past year.  Coming to terms with what I’ve known all along, but been far too terrified to admit.  I don’t want you in my life.  I didn’t want to prolong what was inevitable.  And now I understand that, no matter what we could have shared, no matter what I feel I missed out on, no matter what that second chance would have created, I would still be alone.  I would still have your back turned towards me.

The very first time I ever saw you, I was closing the door of your car as I tucked my legs inside and laughed at your nervous joke about my height.  The very last time I saw you, you were closing the door to my apartment as your nervous stare disappeared behind the crack of light from the hallway outside.  One thing has never changed in all this time, xxxxx.  I can know everything there is to know about you, and yet still know nothing about you at all.

For the first time, I think this really is goodbye.  The day you left me was the first day of the rest of my life, and today feels something like the second.

Saturday, June 30th

xxxxx,

“It’s hard to wait around for something you know may never happen, but it’s harder when you know it’s everything you want.”

I read this quote today and thought of us.  Or how I feel about how I’ve been left, rather.  I hate you.  Your secrets, your lies—and how I’ve been both along the way for those you love.  What’s worse is that I don’t hate you at all.  I’ve tried really hard.  I’ve tried thinking about all the negatives, all the fights we’d had, and truthfully I don’t even recall what most were about.  Sure we had our downs, but nothing had enough impact on me to forget for even one day how grateful I was to whatever karmic bone in your body made you approach me earlier this year.

Our time together has been short, and short-lived.  We did little together apart from grow in each other’s company—or perhaps stagnate.  And here I am relentlessly wishing you back.  A part of me fully expects to return to a man who feels the same, yet I feel like I know in my heart this will never be true.   It wouldn’t be the first time I were disappointed by your truths.

Aside from how bewildered I am over everything, I still just can’t wrap my head around your intentions.  I just can’t seem to even ponder the idea of moving on without feeling plagued by guilt, and here you’ve been dragging me along for whatever length of time knowing full well I wasn’t even good enough for you.  I say this sincerely, as it is synonymous with “someone better” being out there for you, as you put it in your letter.

How could you do this to me?  My morals were weak, but nonetheless high.  You knew that in my perfect world, I would live out my life with the man I chose to give myself too.  How could you take such blatant advantage of that?  How could you continue to sleep with me knowing we wouldn’t last?  I’d spent our whole relationship struggling with that—wondering if what we were doing was right, and if what you were sharing with me was real and true.  I gave you so many openings to save me the hurt you’ve ultimately caused.  Every insecurity and every second guess I’d brought to light, you had one to match but continued to use me anyhow and pretend we were fine.

This is why I have struggled so desperately with you since the start.  I have never trusted you, and apparently for good reason.  Your life is this twisted cloud of secrets that you promised me we were free from, but part of me knew better.  I always had the nagging feeling that a man with as many lies and secrets toward his own family as you would certainly have the nerve to keep a few from me.

I meant everything I said in my last letter.  I love you and wish things could be as you’ve always said they’d been.  And yet, despite every pain you’ve caused me, I do wish you happiness.  I just don’t think that I can ever stick around to see you happy with anyone else.

Do you remember my favourite quote I shared with you once?  “There is no path that lets me live my life other than this path, therefore I walk this path.”  I don’t know if you’ve ever cared to understand what that means to me, so let me explain.  I have read and felt this quote every time I have told someone dear to me who I am.  I let myself constantly remember, that no matter what the outcome, this is the path in life I need to walk in order to be happy, and I’d be a fool to walk any other path.  I am gay.  All I’ve ever wanted since before I even knew what being gay meant was an honest and loyal man in my life.  Whatever path you’ve been choosing to follow is clearly the wrong path for you, and I truly hope you can find it in yourself to be you someday, and keep no more secrets.  Whomever you wind up with in life deserves that.  You deserve that.

I don’t know what to call this letter.  A goodbye?  A last chance?  I guess it doesn’t matter.  You’ve come to your own conclusions, and have refused to be blunt and share them with me, so these are mine.  I am a safe person; loyal to a fault, practical, and supportive where I need to be, even if not always in the moment.  But one thing I will never be is your “safety”.  If all you can commit to me is a halfway cop-out, then fine.  I will say it for you.  I will say goodbye.

Friday, September 14th

“Goodbye”.

I don’t know how to deal with this word.  It’s truly not in my personal vocabulary.  I’ve never said goodbye to anyone.  Even people I know I’ll never see again.  I can’t face that reality–never ever seeing someone again.

The word is unfortunately all too real.  Goodbye can’t just be ignored.
It is erroneous; a misnomer–not good at all.  Today and forevermore I will say “sadbye”.  This is the word I know.  This is the word I stand by.

When I look at my life objectively, I see I’ve never really even been given the circumstance to which a sadbye is necessary.  Apart from the death of my grandfather, I suppose.  His was truly a sadbye, but I’m certain I never gave him one.  I cried, I mourned, I reflected and I ruminated, but I never said sadbye.  I guess it just never seemed necessary.  Somewhere down the line I just came to accept my loss and resigned to someday seeing his happy, scowling face again.

–On a delightful side note!  The other day I took a taxi to my place of work.  A warm, elderly, man drove me.  It was… comforting.  The smell of his cab.  It was of my grandfather.  A smell so distantly familiar I couldn’t help but crease a smile.–

Anyways, on the subject of sadbyes.
Recently my ex told me goodbye.  There’s that funny word again; goodbye.
I couldn’t help but really ponder his intent behind it.  A man who once told me he so passionately loved me and cared for me, and would never hurt me.  Why would he use this wanton word on me?

I started contemplating what it really meant.  This word I’ve never spoken before, in what context was it used?  In what sincerity was the word derived?  I felt helpless, and confused.  I still do.  I have for almost 3 months now.  None of this has made sense to me.  But the goodbye is the only clarity I’ve had in a long time.
What did this word mean?  It meant somebody no longer valued me.  It meant somebody looked at me and saw a person who could provide no more love, no more friendship, no more emotional and personal gratification.

I think that is what makes goodbye the saddest for me.  That is why I choose to call it a sadbye.  I didn’t simply pass on from this life.  I didn’t leave someone with no choice but to bring our emotional resonance to a close.  I was abandoned instead.  I have been abandoned by one of the so few people I embraced in my life and allowed myself to feel safe and comfortable around.

Is this what sadbyes are like for everyone?  When you say it to someone, do you realize the impact of your words?  Do you see the betrayal of your most intimate of promises as a human being?
I see it.  And I can’t say it.  I can’t hurt someone like that.  I will never say sadbye to him.  He will never know my affliction, because I can’t burden him in such a way.

Love is such a precious word.  It’s so incredibly intricate and boundless.  Please, if you find yourself reading this, please, please, please, never say goodbye to someone you love.

xxxxx

Dear xxxxx,

I suppose this is goodbye.  Well, maybe.  To be frank, a part of me will always be waiting for you.  I will always love you and I will always forgive you, no matter how much you have hurt me.

You see, you were much more than a boyfriend to me–you were family.  I admired you and respected you.  I fought with you, I nagged at you, I pushed you and I hurt you.  But I did it because I love you.  I did it because you were absolutely everything to me.  You were and always are at the forefront of my mind.  I am always worried for you and wondering what you’re thinking and why you do the things you do.  All I ever wanted from you was to let me be a part of your life.  That is the only thing I couldn’t accept, and rather than supporting you and always letting you know I loved you, I ended up pushing just a little too far.  It’s what I do with those I love.  I don’t always have a boundary for my feelings.

I hate not knowing.  I hate not knowing what caused this.  I hate how I feel like this is my fault–that I took the most amazing thing that ever happened in my life and turned it sour.  I hate not knowing if you’re just a terrible person for doing what you’ve done to me these past few months, or if you genuinely love me and struggle with what has happened as well.

I wish it would be the latter.  I wish you would let me work with that.  I wish you could know how much I just want to tell you I love you every night again.  How much I want to lay in your arms and get a good night’s sleep again, just to be honoured with the sight of your peaceful face in the shadows of the morning sun.  I wish you could see how much I had integrated you into my life.  How much I’ve made your memory and your love a lasting routine.  It truly destroys me knowing that I can’t live for you anymore.  I don’t get another chance to be what you really need in life.

I wonder if you anticipate how much I hurt when you tell me what you do with your new relationship.  I wonder what you think before telling me that you two haven’t connected like we have, and that you miss us.  I wonder if you realize how much I physically hurt hearing from you the very things I cry thinking about every day.  And you still love me.  You won’t go so far as to reject me entirely.  You can’t let me go but you won’t love me back.  I wonder if you know exactly how hard this is for me.  To be in a position where I myself finally need to say goodbye to you so that I can try and find new meaning in my life.

And by new meaning, I mean new purpose.  I’ve tried moving on emotionally, but I find that I simply can’t.  When I’m with another man, I feel guilty.  I see your face in them–your eyes.  I see them look back at me with that want.  And I wretch inside knowing that those were eyes you had for me.  I feel like I betray you.  And I give up.

Perhaps being in love isn’t in the books for me.  Maybe I’m not meant to talk about children and a future with someone.  Maybe I’m not supposed to have someone in my life I’m to depend on.  Maybe I’m just supposed to find my way all by myself–what a bitter realization.  I can’t do these things without you though.

I think that maybe I’m just a one-trick pony.  All the love I will ever know myself to share has already been given to you.  I will never forget my luck to have found someone in this life who I see so much of myself in–who understood me and humoured me and cared for me.  And yet, I will never forgive my misfortune of not having these same feelings returned.

Maybe this is goodbye forever.  Or maybe this is just a goodbye for you.  If moving on is truly what you want to do, then I want you to do just that.  I want you to find the person who makes you feel the way I feel about you, and I want you to be happy.  I feel like a goodbye is all I can offer you at this point… but please know that in my heart, I will never, ever, say goodbye to you.

Though I’ve been bitter and I’ve been resentful, I forgive you and I love you.  I hope you can find the strength to one day be yourself around your family and friends, and give someone that feeling of acceptance and love that I will always envy them for.

Most informal of goodbyes,

–Blue.