Tag Archives: growing apart

“Nobody loves me, everybody hates me”

“Nobody loves me, everybody hates me!”  You used to chant.  Maybe you still do, but I wouldn’t really know anymore.  It had been so long since I’ve heard from you.  I miss you so much.

I couldn’t believe you called me the other night.  When I saw the caller I.D. on my phone say “***** Home”, I was in total shock!  That’s why I answered the phone with a reluctant “Hello?”.  Since it was your parents home phone calling me and not your cellphone, I instantly decided either:

A)  Your mom was worried about me as I’ve avoided all contact with her lately as well, or

B)  You broke up with your boyfriend and moved back home, obviously looking to your best friend for support once again.

A part of me really hoped it was “B”.  I was so hopeful that you’d moved back home and found yourself feeling lonely and missing me, the same way I feel about you almost every day!  I even tried fishing for the details right off the bat, but I don’t know if you noticed.

It meant a lot to me that you called me again.  A long time ago I decided that I would not go out of my way to make first contact with you, because you always wound up being too busy which made me feel so insignificant.  I also just felt weird being the one to seek out your time.  Our whole friendship, we’ve succeeded by your prying and constant seeking attention from me.  Back then, I knew that I was important to you.  Now I’m not as sure…

I know that I will always be someone you care about, and I know that you do not hold me in any negative regard, but I can’t help but feel that my friendship isn’t important to you anymore.  And I don’t know how I should expect myself to feel anything different…

If I’m not important to you anymore, I want there to be a finality to it.  I don’t want to hold onto memories of you anymore.  I don’t want to miss you and to fleetingly anticipate spending time with you and your family again if it is likely never to come true.  I don’t want to hold on to you the way I’ve been holding onto everything else that makes me sad.

Forgive me if I’m being cold.  But you’ve known me a very long time now.  You should know that I don’t abide by the formalities involved in personal relationships.  If I find myself feeling unnecessary, then I remove myself.  Please let me remove myself if I’ve become unnecessary to you.

Your chant has become my own.  Don’t torment me with your friendship if it doesn’t exist anymore.

“My love, my lobster”

I remember when I first met you.  We were in the 8th grade, and there was just something about you that took me by storm.  Very few people penetrate the boundaries I place myself within, but you were destined to be of that few.

I don’t know what it was.  The notion that you looked liked Amanda Bynes, the way you walked and stood pigeon-toed, the faint remains of purple dye in your hair that was craftily done up and held in place with two pencils–you were just interesting to me in every way!

At the time when we first met, I still was unsure about where my interests sat in regards to sexual preferences.  I remember thinking to myself that maybe you could be someone I would fall in love with, and to be honest with you, I do really think that under different circumstances, that could have been viable!  I am sorry that life chose a different path for me.

What I inevitably lacked in physical interest was more than made up for in emotional interest, however.  For as long as I’ve known you, I have been emotionally and mentally invested in you.  I think about you constantly, I think about things I’d rather be doing with you than doing alone, and for every boyfriend you’ve had (or rekindled romance with Paul!!) I’ve been resiliently bitter and jealous, sometimes to the point of abusing your trust in our friendship and turning my back on you…  I was so stupid sometimes.

Over the years, I’ve really learned to open up to you and your family more than all other people.  I’ve come to fall in love with you in my own way, and appreciate my place within your world and treasure your place within mine.  Some of the only good in my life that I know how to value right now are memories with you.  Train track walks, river valley treks, hours upon hours of phone calls and video games, talking way past our bed times (not that either of us have really ever abided by a formal “bed time”), and just spending every moment with you and feeling as though it were an adventure.  Yes, even the moments where we can’t decide what to do and settle for junk food and Cosmo!

And today?  I miss you.  A lot lately I have missed you.  I understand that we are older know, and you have found a more appropriate person to invest the kind of love you had for me in, but I sense that we have grown apart in the long run.

Perhaps it is my fault.  I am very sad in my life right now, and am not very confident in my ability to remain interesting to people.  I have been reluctant to reach out to you.  I know ultimately it’s not really anyone’s fault though… our lives are just turning two different chapters in this book of friendship.  I hope we find ourselves on the same page again soon.

I can’t express to you enough that you will always be my very best friend, and no matter where life and time takes us, for you I will always be here waiting.  Our friendship has seen many ups and downs over the years, and because of that I know that I can always depend on it to stand rock solid.

You’re my rock, hun.  And I’ll always be your lobster.

And for what?

It is July 2nd, 2013.  Or thereabouts.  Maybe it will be a new day by the time this is posted.  Maybe it already is a new day for some who will read this.

It is 11:28, at present.  In the evening.

It is calm.  Or more so than it was a few hours earlier.  The day was tragically humid.  It quickly enveloped my world in rain and thunder and fierce winds.

And for what do these things matter?

It is July.  This month will see my beloved dog through what would have been his 15th year.  I will see my best friend towards the end of the month, and I will quickly learn that time has given us a beautiful friendship that will last for forever, but has also come to lead us in new paths.  Separate paths.

It is the 2nd.  Of no particular importance.  Though I’m not of the beautifully minded who intricately remember such a specific day on a yearly basis, it is easy for me to recall some things.  This day, 2008 I would have been intermittently playing Okami and grieving my realization of self to be something of a disappointment.  2009 I would have been replaying Okami and mourning my year that was lost to my earlier realizations.  2010 I was hiding in my house and avoiding knocks at the door from concerned friends who couldn’t get ahold of me to join them for the previous night’s Canada Day fireworks.  2011 I would have been sleeping all day to compensate for the last 9 months of working night shifts before quitting the morning of the 2nd.  2012 I was holed up at my parents spending hours debating on how I should respond to messages from my ex in regards to his missing me, but having no interest in getting back together.

I guess the 2nd of July in 2013 will forever mean something new to me.  I am still the same lost child with a deprived sense of self as I have always been, but this time around I’m trapped in a lonely city away from home.  Even my “firsts” are redundant.

And it is the 23rd hour.  An hour that has forever been my time of self-reflection.  Too late in the evening to be bothered by social nuisances.  Too early in the evening to be distracted by reading or videogames.

It is calm amidst a storm.

I am calm amidst a storm.  A storm of emotions I just don’t know how to cope with.  I am anxious and I am lost.  I trust no one.  I have faith in nothing.  I am broken beyond repair.  I don’t have the means to recover before the next storm rolls over me.

And for what do these things matter?

They serve to show me that I am entirely too involved in my depression.

What have I become?  Why am I so ashamed when I look at the person who I was 5 years ago?  4 years ago?  3 years, 2 years, 1 year ago?  Because I see that I have become nothing?  That I am the same?  That I “deal” the same way that I always have?

I don’t want this to be my reality anymore.  Maybe if I play Okami again, my life will appear differently afterwards.