Tag Archives: happiness

Searching for a way to find a way

It’s been a couple months since I wrote here, and as usual, I came into this feeling like I had a pretty good idea what I wanted to write about. I don’t think it’s going to work out that way though. My life feels pretty ambiguous lately, and I think my scatterbrained thoughts here won’t deny that.

It’s literally been over 3 years now since I was last in a relationship. And if you think that’s absurd, perhaps even more depressing is that I haven’t even been on a date in over 2 years. “You need to put yourself out there more”, people say. Well, duh. Working 8 hours a day, sleeping 7 hours a day, tending to my cats like 1-2 hours a day and grooming my own personal need to recharge and be alone for all other hours unaccounted for doesn’t necessarily leave a lot of time for love, sex, and friendship.

I am alone. And I think I’m okay with that. But I’m not always so certain. I feel like I put so much pressure on myself to feel like I should be giving myself to the universe and… well, in effect I’m trying to induce feelings that I’ve been coming to recognize as unnatural for me.

“What?” You say?

I love being alone. I really fucking do. Sometimes the world tricks me into thinking otherwise, but in the end I always seem to understand my version of happiness as exploring life and exploring myself all by myself. Maybe I used to dream of getting married someday and having children, maybe I used to think you can’t make it in this life without having someone to depend on 100%, and maybe I understand that these things are totally subject to interest me again someday in the future, but right now I just feel like it’s all a hindrance. It’s all keeping me from really knowing myself.

To be honest, I mourn this as well. I regret that I’m wasting my youth and beauty on being isolative. And this regret contributes to how much I isolate myself in other regards. I’m not pursuing hobbies or interests. In truth, I’m literally doing nothing to explore myself. WHAT A WASTE.

This is why I just feel so damned sad all the time. My lack of confidence in myself holds me back from understanding myself better, and my lack of understanding for myself holds me back from pursuing interpersonal relationships. I feel like I missed a pivotal chapter in my life where I should have been embracing things just for the sake of fulfilling myself and my own expectations. I missed a chapter of mistakes and learning and growing as a result. Holding myself back and feeling undeserving has always come natural to me.

So where do I go from here? How do I discover what I am and become who I am supposed to be?  It sounds silly, but for so long I’ve been searching for a way to find a way to be happy.  And if you think that sounds like I spend a lot of time thinking instead of doing, you’d be right.  I need to do away with the rhetoric.  I need to do.

Pokemon Eternal

So the remakes for Pokémon Ruby & Sapphire were announced a few days ago.  Honestly, even though I love Pokémon to death, if I had to rank the generations of games, these two would probably be my least favourite overall.  Funny, because this generation is probably the one I invested the most hours into!!

I was the Sapphire to my brother’s Ruby.  We got the games the day they came out, I’m sure, and spent endless nights sneaking into each other’s rooms to play way past our bed times, as we did with every generation before it!

I honestly loved the games just like any other, I just personally hate cave-trolling and surfing more than anything in the world, and this game happened to have a lot of surfing.  Something about not being able to avoid encounters in caves and water drove me absolutely mad, even as a kid.  At least I can say to myself “okay, I’m going into the grass now, shit’s bound to happen”.  And better yet, if I ran through a whole patch of grass and didn’t have even one encounter, I’d almost crap myself with joy.  But in the caves and on the water?  There is no sanctuary!!

Anyways, I’m genuinely excited for these remakes.  I think certain aspects of this region (well, any region really) will benefit tremendously from 3D.  The hidden fortresses and that big ass coliseum like town where you meet Groudon/Kyogre would be amazeballs in 3D, off the top of my head.

I think that Pokémon and reality have made great strides at becoming one in the same in the past ~2 decades.  I hope that someday I can immerse myself virtually into the Pokémon world.  I’ve always wanted to explore Kanto more than anything.  I spent so many years playing Pokémon Blue and my Pokémon Master Trainer board game, I feel like I would know Kanto in it’s entirety more than I know my own city!

Until that day, I hope that Nintendo releases a minimum of one Pokémon game duo per year.  Be it a new generation, or a remake of an old one, I will always, always be satisfied.

I keep good company.

I’ve spent a lot of the past 2 years worrying about how alone I am, and how alone I fear I will forever be.  It has debilitated me, it has depressed me, and it has isolated me.

A couple months ago, one of my precious cats starting behaving differently, and fell ill a few weeks ago.  And then a few days ago, her sister decided to try and pass a piece of rubber she ate months earlier and needed emergency surgery.

Between the two of them being out of commission, I feel more isolated than ever.  And my responsibilities and stress have increased ten fold!  And I’d just like to put into words the ways I’ve misunderstood my life over the past couple years.

1)  For as long as I have lived, I have relied on nostalgia to reawaken happy feelings and warm memories within me.  I become revitalized and happy and capable of making new memories to satiate future nostalgia cravings.

2)  For as long as I’ve been single, I have considered myself to be “alone”.

3)  For as long as I’ve been single, I have avoided embracing any happy memories, and instead have focused on constantly feeling as though everything I did would be more thoroughly enjoyed in the company of another.

I got cats because I was lonely.  And I haven’t been appreciating them for their intended value, or their ultimate role in my life since I brought them into my home.

I am in a relationship with my cats.

Since they have become sick, I have been feeling nostalgia.  I have been thinking of last spring when I replayed Twilight Princess and stopped to take videos of my cats curiously observing the t.v. screen or going places they shouldn’t and sassing me when I tell them to scram.  Not to mention the sounds they make that sound eerily like the Twilight Realm monsters.

I have been thinking of last summer when we played Animal Crossing for weeks on end.  When they would bat at my 3DS cord or take naps on or around me and immobilize my arms by resting their little faces on them.

I have been thinking of last fall when I binged on “Avatar: The Last Airbender” and “Digimon” on Netflix.  I remember having one kitty come running every time I kicked the covers over my feet so she could burrow deep down into the warmth of my blankets.  And I remember having the other kitty do anything and everything to escape whenever I tried to hoard her in our blankey nest.

I remember playing Paper Mario 64, GC, and Wii versions in a row just before Christmas.  I remember my Wii breaking about halfway through the GC version, so I had to go play it on the gamecube in my room.  I remember letting the girls into my room, normally a kitty-free zone, because I was lonely without them and felt bad knowing they were sitting at the door waiting for me to come out.

I remember playing Wind Waker HD and taking breaks to make tea.  And of course I remember my cats urgently running to supervise me, as they must know I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to tea!

My life is so incredibly mundane.  But I’m sharing that with two special little fur babies.  They are the company I seek.  They are the one’s who have sat by me, chirped with me, played at my feet (and with my feet!), and ultimately been the one’s to share all of my nostalgia with as of late.

I keep the best company.  I can’t wait for my babies to feel better so we can play more video games, take more videos, and make new and happy memories.

I don’t need a boyfriend.  I honestly don’t even want one.

Next on my to do list?  Force feed my brain Pokémon on Netflix while baking cookies with my cats.

Eyebrows and Happiness

I noticed something about myself last night.  I tend to take out my stress on my eyebrows.  I fussed with them for hours.  And I always do.  I pluck and I prune them down to absolute perfection.  And I hate them.

I think that perfection is a joke.  I don’t want perfect.  My eyebrows match–you could dissect my face with lines all over and find that one brow is perfectly in line with the next, arch and all!  And I hate them.  Not even my face is that symmetrical.  (Which in all fairness causes me a lot of distress as well…)

But the point is, I broke my nose in kindergarten, and it is bent to the left.  I have TMJD and my jaw is crooked.  One eyebrow–until I whittle it down and fill in the underside–is naturally higher than the other; a nice fit for my eye that is also slightly higher….. my face isn’t perfect.  And it never will be.  Perfection is a mockery and it doesn’t make you happy.  It just laughs in your face once you’ve achieved it and come to realize that you are actually no happier now than you were before.  In fact, you’re probably less happy because of that.

Why do I expect so much out of my life?  I know that deep down, I don’t care what I have, as long as I have someone to share it with who loves me and all of my imperfections the way that I never will.  It’s just when I see my friends and siblings start meeting people and getting married and going to school and finding themselves that I become extremely jealous and want everything that they have and more.  More money, more clothes, more love, more perfect.

So I’ve decided that I don’t want my eyebrows to be perfect.  I want them to be happy.

He who was born into love…

You are truly a lucky person.  You have been my unspoken idol for as long as I can remember.  I will regret admitting this to myself.

But this isn’t about how envious I am of you.  This is about the rest of your life–the life you will live and love.  Your life is perfect in every way, despite every obstacle.  Despite every flaw of character and every turn of luck, you always come out on top, and I admire that about you.

You were born into love.  Maybe you haven’t always seen it, and you seem to never recall it, but this is what I know to be true.  Because even though I can’t speak for our parents, who conceived you–their first born son–out of the love they shared for each other, and even though I can’t speak for our sister, who is like you in many ways through the way she connects and responds to you and to life… I can speak for myself.  I love you.

I love that you are selfish and oft times think of no one but yourself.  This allows you to pursue your every whim and seek validation from no one.

I love that you are brash and pushy and force your way.  This allows you achieve many things, or try again harder for the times that you fail.

I love that you are frivolous and unconcerned with risks and rewards.  This allows you to push boundaries within yourself and set your own standard.

Even through your faults you become stronger.  You learn to find yourself and love yourself and those close to you have followed your lead.  In the end, you have found yourself within a world of compassion and acceptance.

Because of the love that you have found, and because of the capacity to love that you were born with, I know that your life will always outshine mine.  I am okay with that, and I anticipate your continued happiness always, because in spite of everything, it is you I will forever find myself looking up to.

Life, bi-polar.

Life is such a rollercoaster.  One day everything is going steady, and the next I’m shot skyrocketing into happiness.  Without a warning, I’m then plunged into the lowest of lows.  I’m thrown up and down and tossed around until I just can’t take even another second of life.

I feel like vomiting.

But apart from life being a rollercoaster, I do have some things that keep me stable.  Keep me grounded.  I have my kittens, for starters!  No matter how mad or angry or visibly frustrated I get, all it takes is their sweet little faces–a chirp, a meow, and a roll on the floor–to swoon me out of the worst of moods into something of a bout of cheer.  My girls are very forgiving of my fierce temper.  It also helps to come home from work everyday to the same kitten waiting for me on my runners at the door.  And her sister is never far off, running and chirping in panic as though she is missing something important.  (Probably not me so much as the prospect of seeing the world outside my apartment!)

But then again, this is the same cat who always finds her way into my lap, softly purring, everytime I bellow along with a sad song on my mp3.  What a blessing.  Both of them.

I also have this new tea set–

Tea time~

How zen!  I’ve been redecorating my living room lately to reflect that of an east asian home.  I have a few things done already, but what I’m really excited for is my faux tatami mats I’m looking into having made, and my kotatsu.  Okay, okay, my glorified coffee table!

I can’t wait for a cool summer day, to open my windows (and maybe have some chimes to blow in the breeze), sit at my coffee table with freshly baked muffins or pudding, have my tea all set out, and enjoy a good replay of Okami.  What a day!!  I’ve envisioned it, it will happen.

But sure as Sherlock, the following day I will fumble and fail and take myself for another spin on that dreaded rollercoaster!

Maybe if it’s not too late, my resolution for 2013 will be to always remember that no matter what happens in my life outside this living room, within it I will always have the safety and comfort of two precious little kittens and a steaming cup of tea!  (And a good video game, of course!!)

From Sailor Scout to scouted for modelling–

Today I was approached by a woman working under a relatively well known modelling company.

Mind=blown.

She told me I had awesome bone structure and the right body.  She left me her card, she left me her number, she took a picture of my face–from head on and both profiles.  She asked my height.  She asked if I’ve ever travelled.  She blew my mind.

I wasn’t really sure if today even happened.  Honestly?  It wasn’t supposed to happen.  I was noticed at work, and I wasn’t supposed to work today.  I took a friend’s shift because she couldn’t work it.

Weirder yet?  Someone else didn’t show up for work today, so I had to come in earlier than expected.  I wasn’t showered, and I felt repulsive.  I was in overtime already when I discovered that my next coworker this afternoon was accidently scheduled alone, so I stayed with her an extra hour or so.  In that last bit of time that I wasn’t supposed to work, on this day I wasn’t supposed to come in at all, it happened.  It happened when reality said it shouldn’t have, as though karma had said it should.

I don’t know though.  Obviously there’s a definite appeal.  There’s an attraction to being attractive.  But I’m just a small town homebody.  When I dream of a future where I’m happy, I am in the countryside.  Maybe I live on a farm.  Maybe I help out where I can or [try] to cook big meals for my husband and children.  I draw on my desk by the window under the sunlight.  I don my journal in the same spot by light of the moon and stars.

When I am happy, I am not withdrawn, but within.  I am within myself.  I know my heart to be a beautiful place, inspired by the memories of my youth and the nature of which I perceive my surroundings.

Maybe someday I want to nurture these same romances within my children.  Maybe someday I want to build blanket forts and snuggle with my kittens and kidlings under the safety of my intimate world of thought.  I want to watch them grow under the same lessons and stories I’ve taken to heart.

Who knows, maybe I’ll watch every episode of Sailor Moon with them, and watch them take different lessons away.  Maybe I’ll watch them grow to be independant and driven.  Maybe they will be models and doctors and artists and heroes.

I’m not sure I’m cut out for being inspired by another’s drive.  I think maybe I’d like to drive another’s inspiration.

I still don’t know though.  Just because I was approached, it doesn’t mean anything serious will come of it.  And even if something did, could I part with my beautiful kittens and pursue a life that is anything but internally lived?