Today I was approached by a woman working under a relatively well known modelling company.
She told me I had awesome bone structure and the right body. She left me her card, she left me her number, she took a picture of my face–from head on and both profiles. She asked my height. She asked if I’ve ever travelled. She blew my mind.
I wasn’t really sure if today even happened. Honestly? It wasn’t supposed to happen. I was noticed at work, and I wasn’t supposed to work today. I took a friend’s shift because she couldn’t work it.
Weirder yet? Someone else didn’t show up for work today, so I had to come in earlier than expected. I wasn’t showered, and I felt repulsive. I was in overtime already when I discovered that my next coworker this afternoon was accidently scheduled alone, so I stayed with her an extra hour or so. In that last bit of time that I wasn’t supposed to work, on this day I wasn’t supposed to come in at all, it happened. It happened when reality said it shouldn’t have, as though karma had said it should.
I don’t know though. Obviously there’s a definite appeal. There’s an attraction to being attractive. But I’m just a small town homebody. When I dream of a future where I’m happy, I am in the countryside. Maybe I live on a farm. Maybe I help out where I can or [try] to cook big meals for my husband and children. I draw on my desk by the window under the sunlight. I don my journal in the same spot by light of the moon and stars.
When I am happy, I am not withdrawn, but within. I am within myself. I know my heart to be a beautiful place, inspired by the memories of my youth and the nature of which I perceive my surroundings.
Maybe someday I want to nurture these same romances within my children. Maybe someday I want to build blanket forts and snuggle with my kittens and kidlings under the safety of my intimate world of thought. I want to watch them grow under the same lessons and stories I’ve taken to heart.
Who knows, maybe I’ll watch every episode of Sailor Moon with them, and watch them take different lessons away. Maybe I’ll watch them grow to be independant and driven. Maybe they will be models and doctors and artists and heroes.
I’m not sure I’m cut out for being inspired by another’s drive. I think maybe I’d like to drive another’s inspiration.
I still don’t know though. Just because I was approached, it doesn’t mean anything serious will come of it. And even if something did, could I part with my beautiful kittens and pursue a life that is anything but internally lived?