Tag Archives: hope

For whom my knowledge thirsts.

I am a not a people person.  (But that’s not to say that I am not personable).  For my whole life, I have never known myself to be comfortable or entirely invested in getting to know any given individual.  It’s just kind of who I am.  I’m an introvert.  Obviously I have my mom and my sister.  My one best friend whom I met when I was 13 (and even then the level of comfort I have with her now took years to develop).  I have two coworkers that I have bonded with over this past year.  And, well, that’s about it.  Apart from my ex of course, but that’s a little one sided.

My point is, there are very few people in this world who I have met that I just… jive with.  Someone who–for no apparent reason–just captivates me.  Someone I find myself emulating.  Someone I go out of my way to interact with; learn about, ask questions, propose activities to.  Someone whose soul crosses paths with mine just as the proverbial stars fall perfectly in line.

I met someone the other day.

We are training him at our Starbucks, and eventually sending him to another store.  It didn’t take long to find myself very involved in trying to learn more about him.  It has been nice–finding myself interested in something.  Someone, even!

And I’m not fawning over him like this is love at first sight, or anything of the sort.  Sure I am attracted to him, but I am also interested in him as a person, and that’s what makes this unique for me.  So for the past few days I have spent all my time with him at work, prodding him for details of his life and his being.  I want to know him.

So, I gave him my number today.  I am so nervous!!  I tried to do so innocently enough, but I am a bit rusty at reaching out to people at this point in my life.  Today is the last day I will have seen him unless he texts me and we arrange to hang out, and the suspense is killing me!  I don’t know how long is appropriate that I should wait before I start losing hope!

I guess I just wanted to get this out on my blog because it would be nice to open up my life to a new person, and let myself learn and grow under a new friendship.  I’d like to write about my experiences here if I am graced with such an opportunity!

So wish me luck!!  –Blue

When.

I wonder when I became this person.  I wonder for how long I have remained this person.  Hell, I even wonder who this person is, but I guess that’s a musing best left for another day.

I just want to know when all my hope was lost.  When I gave up on myself.  When I gave up waiting for him.  When I forgot what it felt like to mean something to somebody.

When the sun begins to set, so does my melancholy.  It turns into dissonance.  I play my mp3 as I busy myself for bed, and all there is to hear are mournful melodies I’ve acquired from video games passed and the saddest of Korean pop ballads.

I wonder when I forgot who I was.  No, became who I am.  No, turned into someone I am not.  I don’t know.  I don’t know what I am and what I mean anymore.

I have come to feel a great sense of loss for all things that used to matter to me.  Some have passed on from this life, some have chosen to move on from my life, and some I have distanced my life from, but in all instances I am isolated from everything that I had come to love.

When does hope come back?  When will I reconvene with my sense of self?  I am broken, but the pieces are all still there.  When does that mean something to me?

Thursday, June 20th, 2013 — The next day of the rest of my life.

It has been one year since you left me.

My day has gone better than I’d expected.  I’ve been busy though, so maybe it’s just been a distraction.  In the year since you’ve left me, a lot of my better days have been due to distraction.

I’ve been thinking about writing to you on this day for the better part of the year now, and my heart has pulled me in many different directions, but now that the day is here, I’m really at a loss of what to say apart from… you broke me.  You really and truly left my heart and my soul in shambles.  Out of the past 365 days, I have only seen you on a handful of them.  And yet, I have felt the ramnifications of your past decisions throughout every single passing moment.

I am not angry anymore.  I hardly even feel flustered when I think about the opportunities you passed up with me in favour of someone new.  I remember being on the verge of working myself into an episode a couple of weeks ago, but the moment passed, and my day went forth.  That’s not to say I am no longer sad, or burdened.  Of course I am sad.  Your absence from my life will be a burden for as long as I love you, and the kind of love I feel for you never really goes away.  But I am not angry with your decisions anymore.  I am not angry with my current situation anymore.  And I guess that’s really as good as it gets!

I wish that I had the strength to reach out to you again and see what your life looks like today.  If I’d known back then what I know now however, I would have never been in touch with you at all since the day you left me.  I’m not over you, and reintroducing you to my life now would only stand to prove it.

I think I might start writing to you less.  Maybe even altogether.  I’ve run out of things to say to you, really.  It doesn’t help that you do not receive any of these anonymous letters in the first place.  Perhaps someday I will direct you to this site, but then I realize that’s not doing either of us any good.

If I could have done right by you… I think that I would have told you from day one why you could never be my friend–and for reasons so much more than just the pain of seeing you happy without me.  I just know that friendship is something I could never have attained from you after all was said and done.  In some respects, I feel like I never truly was your friend in the first place.  It wasn’t fair to put either of us through the same relationship we’d just been through only to have it sullied by a label far less sacred.

And that’s what my life’s struggle has been this past year.  Coming to terms with what I’ve known all along, but been far too terrified to admit.  I don’t want you in my life.  I didn’t want to prolong what was inevitable.  And now I understand that, no matter what we could have shared, no matter what I feel I missed out on, no matter what that second chance would have created, I would still be alone.  I would still have your back turned towards me.

The very first time I ever saw you, I was closing the door of your car as I tucked my legs inside and laughed at your nervous joke about my height.  The very last time I saw you, you were closing the door to my apartment as your nervous stare disappeared behind the crack of light from the hallway outside.  One thing has never changed in all this time, xxxxx.  I can know everything there is to know about you, and yet still know nothing about you at all.

For the first time, I think this really is goodbye.  The day you left me was the first day of the rest of my life, and today feels something like the second.