Tag Archives: inspiration

Note to self:

I wasn’t aware it’s been over a year now since I’ve posted anything here. I haven’t felt inspired to write for quite some time.  And even though things have been hard for me, instead I’d like to write about someone else’s struggle.  I’m sure I will never truly know why things happened the way they did, but on some level I am deeply sympathetic to Park Bom, and 2NE1’s disbandment makes perfect sense to me.

News of Bom’s “drug scandal” (not what I’d call it, but what I think doesn’t matter in context) changed things forever for 2NE1. The criticism from people was unreal, and given the drug she had brought into the country was an anti-depressant, it’s obvious she was already in a vulnerable state of mind.  The group was put on hiatus, and eventually Minzy left the group entirely to pursue her own interests.  To think of what it felt like for Bom at this time is much like taking a look at my own life.  How could she not blame herself for this?  The whole world was looking for someone to accept responsibility, and well-intentioned or not, the things people were saying were destructive.  Destructive to her and her heart.

I know this because I’ve been there. Every day I combat my own feelings of my mistakes and my shortcomings, and I’m sure Bom does too.  But other people’s opinions weigh heavily on our minds, and even things that are said in support of us will sometimes have just the opposite effect.

It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault that 2NE1 broke up. Maybe it was CL’s fault, and YG’s too. Their favoring her marketing and solo debut detracted too much from everyone else and made disbandment the easiest option.  Maybe it was Minzy’s fault.  Being impatient and unsupportive and wanting to distance herself.  Or maybe it’s our faults; Blackjacks and society in general.  Maybe life happened, and 2NE1 suddenly found themselves at different places emotionally.  Can we blame CL for having incredible potential?  Can we blame YG for helping her and focusing on her while the group is on hiatus?  Can we blame Minzy for being driven and not wanting to waste another moment she could be using to invest in herself and her future?  We can, but all the while Bom is listening and her heart is hurting, because at the root of all the blame is someone who feels there is no one to blame but herself.

YG has stated Bom was 2NE1’s undoing, and on the surface perhaps this is true. But maybe instead of blaming her or anyone else involved, we should just be accepting.  Accepting of 3 young women (shout out to Dara!) who are ready to face the world and make themselves proud.  And accepting of another young woman who has faced more criticism than anyone ever should, and recognize that her flaws are our own.  Does anyone know how this makes her feel?

We all make mistakes. We all feel inadequate.  We all feel flawed.

We are all Park Bom.


From Sailor Scout to scouted for modelling–

Today I was approached by a woman working under a relatively well known modelling company.


She told me I had awesome bone structure and the right body.  She left me her card, she left me her number, she took a picture of my face–from head on and both profiles.  She asked my height.  She asked if I’ve ever travelled.  She blew my mind.

I wasn’t really sure if today even happened.  Honestly?  It wasn’t supposed to happen.  I was noticed at work, and I wasn’t supposed to work today.  I took a friend’s shift because she couldn’t work it.

Weirder yet?  Someone else didn’t show up for work today, so I had to come in earlier than expected.  I wasn’t showered, and I felt repulsive.  I was in overtime already when I discovered that my next coworker this afternoon was accidently scheduled alone, so I stayed with her an extra hour or so.  In that last bit of time that I wasn’t supposed to work, on this day I wasn’t supposed to come in at all, it happened.  It happened when reality said it shouldn’t have, as though karma had said it should.

I don’t know though.  Obviously there’s a definite appeal.  There’s an attraction to being attractive.  But I’m just a small town homebody.  When I dream of a future where I’m happy, I am in the countryside.  Maybe I live on a farm.  Maybe I help out where I can or [try] to cook big meals for my husband and children.  I draw on my desk by the window under the sunlight.  I don my journal in the same spot by light of the moon and stars.

When I am happy, I am not withdrawn, but within.  I am within myself.  I know my heart to be a beautiful place, inspired by the memories of my youth and the nature of which I perceive my surroundings.

Maybe someday I want to nurture these same romances within my children.  Maybe someday I want to build blanket forts and snuggle with my kittens and kidlings under the safety of my intimate world of thought.  I want to watch them grow under the same lessons and stories I’ve taken to heart.

Who knows, maybe I’ll watch every episode of Sailor Moon with them, and watch them take different lessons away.  Maybe I’ll watch them grow to be independant and driven.  Maybe they will be models and doctors and artists and heroes.

I’m not sure I’m cut out for being inspired by another’s drive.  I think maybe I’d like to drive another’s inspiration.

I still don’t know though.  Just because I was approached, it doesn’t mean anything serious will come of it.  And even if something did, could I part with my beautiful kittens and pursue a life that is anything but internally lived?