I saw on t.v. or a movie (or some kind of media) recently that someone had the ambition of exchanging journals with another someone they liked. Which made me think of the Nintendo series “Harvest Moon” where, at least in some titles, you have to read your love interest’s journal to get a vibe of where they’re at in your budding romance. Which made me wish I were keeping a journal or a diary of sorts in the event of cute guys.
I mean, I suppose this whole blog is more or less a journal. It’s all about my feelings, after all. But everything here is so depressing. If I had a prospective love interest, this blog is where I would send him before I make nookie with him and then eat him alive like a black widow, baby.
This place is sad. And repetitive. Endlessly so.
I hate feeling so invalid. What I have to say isn’t important to anyone. It’s unimportant to even myself. So much so that I oft times have nothing to say at all.
Being younger was so much easier. I miss high school a lot these days. Sure, I felt I was depressed in high school too, but there was so much more going on then. So much more to look forward to and to have feelings about. Dinner at the café and then movies or video games with a couple friends on Thursdays. Procrastinating homework to the bitter end on Sunday. (Hey, it made dicking around on my own feel a lot more productive than it ever does these days). Even school itself made things feel more acceptable.
School was an ego boost. Teachers loved me. Getting good grades gave me purpose. There were tons of people my age at my disposal for friendship or comradery. Other people who were feeling low. Other people who were feeling rebellious. Other people who were feeling studious. Other people who were feeling mediocre. Other people digging art, or video games, or anything under the sun. There was always someone for me to relate myself too. I miss that.
If I were keeping a day to day journal in present time, and I shared it with someone I valued, it would go something like this:
Today was pretty average. I showered last night so I could sleep in a little extra this morning. It wasn’t especially helpful though because I stayed up late waiting for my hair to dry. I guess either way I got my standard 6 hours…
I watched a few more episodes of Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood before work as well. It was good, but I had trouble focusing. Then I was almost made late for work trying to decide which method for hiding my chest would be best today. I ended up just wearing my baggiest hoodie over top of a tank top. Thank goodness for winter!
Work was okay. I had a lot of trouble today and asked a lot of questions. Even though I’m still pretty new, no one I work with has any patience with me at all. Everyone is very aggressive and the way they answer my questions makes me feel lesser of myself every time I ask… I don’t like these people, and even though I do like this job, I don’t know how long I can put up with the same few people everyday who have nothing in common with me. I spend my breaks in the bathroom stall just to escape the noise and the hostility.
The walk home after work was nice, however. It was very cold, and I wore my really short ankle socks. My scarf kept my face warm but I loved how cold my feet were. Sometimes I feel like the cold biting at my feet as I walk home is the only sensational part of my day. Everything else is forgettable.
The cats ate good for me when I got home, thankfully! Not a day goes by that I don’t worry about them getting sick again. I rinsed their bowls and kissed their noses before deciding to eat dinner myself. As usual, I really don’t have much to eat so I settled for baked perogies again.
I thought I would try and pick up A Link to the Past after dinner, because I really just want to beat it and move on to A Link Between Worlds, but I didn’t have the motivation. I watched some recordings from last night instead and accidentally fell asleep. Luckily, the girls woke me up when it was time to feed them again, so I did just that and then crawled in to bed.
I thought about crying tonight, but I just didn’t feel like I had it in me. Maybe tomorrow night will be a better night for it, since I won’t have to be up early for work the next morning.
And the saddest part of all of this? I don’t have any love interests. I don’t know anybody. There’s no boy in my Science class who sits next to me so I can do his homework in exchange for subtely smelling his beautiful being. And there’s no homeroom teacher from the house down the street to crush on and pretend he has a vested interest in my life when in reality its just his job to keep track of me and the other kids appointed to him.
It’s just me. I don’t even know any boys. What are those anyways?
Dear Diary, help me.