Tag Archives: kittens

Life, bi-polar.

Life is such a rollercoaster.  One day everything is going steady, and the next I’m shot skyrocketing into happiness.  Without a warning, I’m then plunged into the lowest of lows.  I’m thrown up and down and tossed around until I just can’t take even another second of life.

I feel like vomiting.

But apart from life being a rollercoaster, I do have some things that keep me stable.  Keep me grounded.  I have my kittens, for starters!  No matter how mad or angry or visibly frustrated I get, all it takes is their sweet little faces–a chirp, a meow, and a roll on the floor–to swoon me out of the worst of moods into something of a bout of cheer.  My girls are very forgiving of my fierce temper.  It also helps to come home from work everyday to the same kitten waiting for me on my runners at the door.  And her sister is never far off, running and chirping in panic as though she is missing something important.  (Probably not me so much as the prospect of seeing the world outside my apartment!)

But then again, this is the same cat who always finds her way into my lap, softly purring, everytime I bellow along with a sad song on my mp3.  What a blessing.  Both of them.

I also have this new tea set–

Tea time~

How zen!  I’ve been redecorating my living room lately to reflect that of an east asian home.  I have a few things done already, but what I’m really excited for is my faux tatami mats I’m looking into having made, and my kotatsu.  Okay, okay, my glorified coffee table!

I can’t wait for a cool summer day, to open my windows (and maybe have some chimes to blow in the breeze), sit at my coffee table with freshly baked muffins or pudding, have my tea all set out, and enjoy a good replay of Okami.  What a day!!  I’ve envisioned it, it will happen.

But sure as Sherlock, the following day I will fumble and fail and take myself for another spin on that dreaded rollercoaster!

Maybe if it’s not too late, my resolution for 2013 will be to always remember that no matter what happens in my life outside this living room, within it I will always have the safety and comfort of two precious little kittens and a steaming cup of tea!  (And a good video game, of course!!)

Blue Christmas

It’s 1am Christmas morn’.  My kittens are curled up–one by the fireplace and one in her tree basket–sleeping the night away.  At least, they are until I decide to go to bed, then they turn into night terrors and drag my bonsai all over the place like I woke up to Christmas Eve morning!

Anyways, I was going to post another of my entries from my summer journal, but I decided to go with something a little more festive.  Or at least, something to do with how I’ve been holding up this holiday season!

Things have been rough, to say the least.  It’s been almost a year since my ex and I’s paths crossed in this life.  I anticipate things will only get worse.

Working Christmas Eve was no fun.  It was so busy, and all of our customers were:

a) Couples in love coming in from the cold for hot chocolates and shared pastries.

b) Desperate and depraved spinster women coming in for company and/or distraction.

and c) attractive (and stupid) young men doing last minute Christmas shopping for their lucky latte lasses.

I didn’t particularly enjoy these crowds.  Especially since some of those in crowd (b) were just flat-out strange people.  And of course I was helplessly bitter about all the love in the air.

My friend I was working with told me I should just text him–my ex.  She said I should just ask him why he’d said he wanted to talk to me again, and then never talked to me again.  I told her I was scared to make myself vulnerable to him again.  When she’d asked why, my only response to her was that I’m just so sad inside.  And in an incredibly real moment between us, I accidently let myself cry.

I took a minute in the backroom, upset that I’d let my guard down in the middle of the store like that, and when I came back out she told me she loved me, and thinks I deserve so much better than someone like him.

I never let myself agree with her.  I don’t really know why.  Maybe I do deserve better, but I just can’t seem to believe that in the slightest.  Why am I finding myself so helpless to all of this again?  I thought I was moving past everything.

Maybe I do need to reach out to him again.  I’m just so paralyzed with fear that he’ll never reply, or that he still won’t give me the answers I need.  I want closure so bad…  I’m finding it so hard to let go without it.

Anyways, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!  I hope you all have beautiful people in your lives to stay close and warm with this holiday season!  And for those of you who don’t–cheers to being absolutely alone on Christmas!  My advice?  Get kittens~

The things that make me happy.

Last night was not a good night.  Of the 26 ounces of cherry vodka in my cupboard, I drank about 18-20 of them.  In about an hour’s time.  And that just wasn’t a smart thing to do, especially for someone so new to drinking.  Apart from my killer headache and my feeling like puking all day, I’m feeling a lot better tonight.

Hah.  No I’m not.

So, tonight I remember the things that make me happy–the things I need to rediscover in my life.

I’d like to start off by saying I’m presently nourishing my lonliness with eggnog and cheesecake.  These are things I love!  But boy are they making me feel repulsive.

If I’d only had more time to myself tonight, next on my to-do list would be to push my couches together in front of the tv.  The “boat”, we would call it when we were little.  I would get my kittens settled in the boat, and I would turn on some Harvest Moon.  A Wonderful Life is my absolute favourite, and I’ve been meaning to replay it, or at least finish the file I started some 6, 7, 8 years ago.  But I also love my Animal Parade!!

Why I love Harvest Moon:

There is always happy music playing.  Always.  And I can marry the cutest guy and have him say sweet nothings to me every morning, even though it gets a little redundant.  But hey, redundancy is bliss!  Oh, and I get to whistle along to all the pretty melodies as I love and care for my children, crops, and animals.  Who needs Zoloft when you have Harvest Moon!

After logging a few hours on Harvest Moon, I would then proceed to putting in my favourite movie or watching something on Netflix as I doodle or colour or something.  I love the quiet evenings in, colouring by lamp light!  So much pleasure is to be had!

Why I love drawing/colouring:

I’m very much into observing the progression of things.  I love to see what old people looked like when they were young.  I love to anticipate what young people will look like when they are old.  I like to reflect on how dirty my apartment was before cleaning it.  I like to close my book at random intervals and see how far along my bookmark has moved.  I like to watch my piece of paper flourish in lines and colours.  Progression makes me happy.

Next on the list, I would turn on some 2NE1 and break out into random dance at my favourite songs whilst preparing for bed.  I am the Best, Follow Me, I Love You–any and all of them!

Why I love dancing:

Believe it or not, it is not an artistic expression, (all my artisitic capabilities are invested in my drawing–a.k.a. holy mother I’m a bad dancer) but rather a form of… exercise?  I love the look and feel of my fatigued muscles.  I feel great about myself after dancing around to awesome music.

And alas, I finally curl up in the boat with my kittens and fall asleep to Sailor Moon.  Maybe my girls will be so tuckered out themselves at this point that they’ll actually let me snuggle them against my chest.

Why I love Sailor Moon:

This show is so endlessly uplifting.  It always reminds me what it means to be a good person–and a strong person–no matter what the circumstances are.  It makes me remember my past (nostalgia!!) and it makes me feel better about my present.  Heck, maybe it even makes me hope for my future.

And these are things that make me happy.  Who the hell even needs friends!