Tag Archives: letter

Absolute Farewell; …

…as in I will never hypothetically speak to you again.  No more letters, no more musings, at least none that I can anticipate being directly meant for you.

I found pictures of you on instagram today.  I’d like to pretend that I wasn’t looking, but I think I really was.  I didn’t *have* to be casually browsing an instagram account that belonged to a location you were sure to hang out at that just so happened to post tons of group photos of it’s clients.  I also didn’t *have* to quickly skim over all the pictures, glancing left and right for any trace of your ever-recognizable face.  But I did.  Ohhhhh did I.

Earlier this year, one of my cats got crazy sick, and I was so certain that she’d taken all of my feelings away from you.  As it turns out, a lot of it was just distraction.  Of course I still think about you, but of course, like any relatively sane human being, I have thought of you less and less.

Anyways, obviously I wouldn’t torture myself with “coincidentally” finding pictures of you online and “accidentally” spotting you out a mile away from me on the streets unless I still had a case of the lingers.  I can only pretend karma’s a bitch for so long before I need to own up!!

But today’s picture findings were different somehow.  Maybe it’s that this time around, I can actually see your face, and not your trashy manhood pics.  Buuuut I’d hate to admit that after all this time, my emotional train wreck of a life has no one to blame but me and my attachment to your junk.  *sigh*

You look gay.

Which is totally, absolutely, splendidly, totally actually fine.  But I didn’t fall in love with a gay man.  I fell in love with a hetero-normative closet case who played video games and worked out.  Which in a weird way, is kind of what made my feelings for you so hardcore.  I’m by no means trapped in the closet or shy about who I am, but I just have this complex of being in a totally heterosexually-defined role play of a relationship.  One where, duh, I play the classy lady who gets pretend knocked up with your kids and spends all day raising hell (I mean a family).

It’s messed, I know.  It’s probably something I need to work on!  I guess I just really appreciate the stereotypical roles in a relationship, even though I will never be in a stereotypical relationship.  At least not in this decade!!

AAAANYWAYS, societal expectations and gender confusion aside, I’m just not that into you anymore.  At least not based off of how you look.  (Holy crap this makes me sound like an asshole).  But honestly, I’m proud of you for it.

You look happy.  You look out.  I had a hard time accepting that you weren’t truly happy in our relationship, but my gosh was it ever obvious looking back.  I’m glad that you have friends you can relate your life experiences and problems to, and can (seemingly) express yourself in a way that is so odd for me to see now that it’s obvious it would have never happened in my la la land machine.

I’ll probably always be a little jaded that my first love, (and a love so fine at that), never worked out, but I feel a little bit released from you finally.  I feel less like there’s something I need to prove of myself should we ever accidentally bump into each other.  I’m looking for a big ol’ earthy potato, and you’re looking for fruity little boysenberries.  We don’t even share a flipping garden anymore, God bless.

So even though you clearly never sought my permission to begin with, I give you permission to live your life.  And I’ll try and give myself that same courtesy at long last!

I fucking love what you were for me, and it’s probably best I never see you again  ;)

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For the world to see–

A year ago I lost my phone and all my pictures of you.  I was devastated.  But it was good.

I saw you a few times since then.  The first time, to discuss ourselves as two separate people.  I was granted the finality that you had saved just for yourself.  A few other times, briefly in passing.  No words exchanged.

At some point this past year, I lost your image.  I remember what you looked like, but I had forgotten what I saw.  At some point I stopped craving you.  I stopped fantasizing about you.  I stopped knowing you.  And then tonight, I see your pictures again.

You and all your manhood.  Everywhere I look.  Why are objectifying yourself like this?

It doesn’t matter.  You are beautiful anyways.

It’s a wonder I ever thought I was comfortable with you.  I worship you.  You are perfect and exquisite.  I am not worthy.  I was not worthy.  I objectify you.

But then I love you.  I feel guilty that other’s look at you as I have.  I feel sad that you crave their sight.  I wonder if your inadequacies were my doing.

I am sorry.

It has been a long year of solace, and I have come full circle.  I have found myself stuck in the shadows of your existence once again.  No doubt, forever you will be the emptiness in my heart.  But once again, the emptiness in my bed, in my breath, and in my being.

The King of Red Lions’ Pride

“If only I could do things over again…  Not a day of my life has gone by without my thoughts turning to my kingdom of old.  I have lived bound to Hyrule.  In that sense, I was the same as Ganondorf.  But you… I want you to live for the future.  There may be nothing left for you… but despite that, you must look forward and walk a path of hope, trusting that it will sustain you when darkness comes.

Farewell.  This is the only world that your ancestors were able to leave you.  Please… forgive us.”

“W-wait!  You could… you could come with us!  Yes of course..  We have a ship!  We can find it.  We WILL find it!  The land that will be the next Hyrule!  So…”

“Ah, but child… That land will not be Hyrule.  It will be YOUR land!”

I remember not being very interested in Wind Waker at first.  You tried encouraging me to play it, but I was more content with my head in your lap looking up at the flickering of the t.v. reflect across your eyes.  Your room was dark and cold, but you weren’t.  I wasn’t.

When you left me, I reflected on a lot of my memories of you (if not all of them!), and I knew that someday I would play Wind Waker for myself.  I would finish something we started, something you wanted me to enjoy the way you had enjoyed years earlier.  The way you recanted the final boss battle with Ganondorf was enough to at least make me Google Image the magnificient sword embedded between the savage’s eyes.

He was turned to stone and drowned with the world he once envied.  His ideals, lost to the winds and forgone by virtues of wisdom and courage. And though Ganondorf perished with the world he fought to change, it is the King of Hyrule’s words quoted in the opening narrative.  It is the King that yearns to sleep with the Hylian canon, and insists that the children of the Triforce achieve what Ganondorf could not.

I played Wind Waker, xxxxx.  Just like you wanted me to.  I played it all the way through, and even sought after sidequests, which you know I was never partial to.

I played Wind Waker and now I ask of you, is it possible that I have been dying with our kingdom, per se?  Am I fading with my memories?

Though likely flourishing in your own reality, our world has been torn asunder; our paths diverged.  In my reality, you have drowned at the mercy of a sea of change, ceasing to ease breath into my tempest of regret and yearning.  You have perished, but I still stand helpless amidst the waves.

Is it my dying wish to be lost with our memory?  Do I desire to be a martyr unto new horizons?

I beat Wind Waker for us, xxxxx.  And though you may think it silly to draw such worldly comparison, I have accomplished something that I thought were as lofty a dream as the King of Red Lion’s pride, itself.  I have found a word within myself that simply says “no” to the question I asked of you earlier.

No, I have not faded with my memories.  “I have scattered the seeds of the future…”

The King of Hyrule's spirit-imbued boat used to traverse the seas of change and contemplate what they bring.

The King of Hyrule’s spirit-imbued boat used to traverse the seas above his kingdom and ferry the one with the winds of courage.

Love as leverage

I’m sorry that I brought love into our relationship.  And I’m not being sarcastic or self-pitying.  I am truly sorry I made love a factor in your being with me.

I remember when you first said “I love you” to me.  I could tell that it wasn’t something you meant or wanted to say.  I never let myself believe it or think it out loud though, because I knew there would be too much regret on my behalf if I had.

We were spending the weekend at your house, and very late at night we decided we were ready to take our relationship to the next step.  We were intimate, or at least moving along swiftly towards breaking that boundary.  And that’s when I doubted myself and made the biggest mistake of my life.  I told you that I’m not sure we should continue if we do not love each other.  You would have been my first, and having love tied to that was important to me.

I remember that you were very off-put.  A little startled that I’d interrupted what we were doing to bring up such a dangerous subject.  You jokingly said you “lub” me, or you “luff” me, but my innocence was prudent.  I know that you reluctantly said you “love” me just so you could be with me in that moment.  You knew it, I knew it, but we never talked about it.  I am sorry for that.  I should have either went for it or stood firm.  I shouldn’t have been coy and encouraged you to say those three words before I would participate in something I initiated in the first place.

I seduced you that night.  I seduced you into your bed, into my heart, and into my fantasy.  And ultimately I’m paying the price because of it.

I know you never loved me.  It was so silly of me to build such a mountain from your morsel.

In the end though, I do hope you know and accept that I truly loved you.  Because all of my nonsense aside, you too had the power to spare me this painful reality.  This truth I’ve come to live by where love is used as leverage, and unrequited thusly.

My father, the tyrant

My Dad is not a tyrant.  He is a good man.  He is hard working, has a strong sense of responsibility and delegates himself fairly in all aspects of his life.  He is compassionate, albeit a little passive, and he is ultimately a very forgiving person.  And yet, for the greater part of my memory, these qualities of his have always been something I’ve seen as opposed to felt.  I don’t necessarily believe my relationship with him has been dictated by these characteristics.

—————————————————————

So, dad, if you should ever read this, I want you to know that I resent you a lot.  I love you and would never wish for a different man to call my father, but I hold a very deep-seeded grudge for you and here I will try and tell you why.

At one time I use to think of myself as a very beautiful person.  And I don’t mean for vanity’s sake, I mean ever since I was little I’d always felt like people appreciated me and always acknowledged that I had a brightness within me that shone brighter than anyone else.  I try to say this modestly, but I’m having a hard time translating my thoughts–

I used to feel like a good and true person.  And I used to attribute a lot of that within me to you.  I used to really admire you, and I still do respect the same qualities in you as I always have.  But I am a grown person now.  And my thoughts and my reasoning have changed considerably.  I know I am still only a naïve child in your eyes–believe me, I’m still a child in my eyes too–but I have a brain and a heart that work and have the ability to see things for themselves.  I don’t see things the way you want me to anymore.

And this is where my resentment comes from.  My feelings and thoughts are invalid to you.  They are disrespected and inconsequent.  I become invalid.  I become inconsequent.  I don’t understand you like I once did, because you fail to understand me.  And what has happened to me as a result is now I don’t even understand myself.  Because you were someone I looked up to, and because you were someone I attributed the good in myself to, I struggle with understanding what kind of person I must be today.

Does that make sense?

I am so hurt and I am so uncertain of myself.  There has not been a day in years where I have looked in the mirror and told myself that I am good enough because I am good.  It doesn’t work that way for me anymore.  I am not good enough and I am not good.

I know you think I must be so disrespectful.  I know that anyone in their right mind would probably see me as being disrespectful.  But I don’t.  I see myself as protecting what little I have left to call my own.  When I am disrespecting you, I am holding the memories of my younger self, and I am defending them.  I am remembering a little boy, who was good and whole and innocent, and I am trying to prove to him that everything that he is today is okay.  I am trying to make him feel like he is still innocent and he is still beautiful, no matter what you make him feel like.  I am trying to teach him that his father is a tyrant that has no influence over the kind of person that little boy has the potential to become, to save him from the place I’ve found myself in here and now.  And yet, I still feel like nothing.  You still make me feel like nothing.

I try and make you out to be the tyrant of my life’s story.  But all you ever do is make me feel like the tyrant of yours.

“My love, my lobster”

I remember when I first met you.  We were in the 8th grade, and there was just something about you that took me by storm.  Very few people penetrate the boundaries I place myself within, but you were destined to be of that few.

I don’t know what it was.  The notion that you looked liked Amanda Bynes, the way you walked and stood pigeon-toed, the faint remains of purple dye in your hair that was craftily done up and held in place with two pencils–you were just interesting to me in every way!

At the time when we first met, I still was unsure about where my interests sat in regards to sexual preferences.  I remember thinking to myself that maybe you could be someone I would fall in love with, and to be honest with you, I do really think that under different circumstances, that could have been viable!  I am sorry that life chose a different path for me.

What I inevitably lacked in physical interest was more than made up for in emotional interest, however.  For as long as I’ve known you, I have been emotionally and mentally invested in you.  I think about you constantly, I think about things I’d rather be doing with you than doing alone, and for every boyfriend you’ve had (or rekindled romance with Paul!!) I’ve been resiliently bitter and jealous, sometimes to the point of abusing your trust in our friendship and turning my back on you…  I was so stupid sometimes.

Over the years, I’ve really learned to open up to you and your family more than all other people.  I’ve come to fall in love with you in my own way, and appreciate my place within your world and treasure your place within mine.  Some of the only good in my life that I know how to value right now are memories with you.  Train track walks, river valley treks, hours upon hours of phone calls and video games, talking way past our bed times (not that either of us have really ever abided by a formal “bed time”), and just spending every moment with you and feeling as though it were an adventure.  Yes, even the moments where we can’t decide what to do and settle for junk food and Cosmo!

And today?  I miss you.  A lot lately I have missed you.  I understand that we are older know, and you have found a more appropriate person to invest the kind of love you had for me in, but I sense that we have grown apart in the long run.

Perhaps it is my fault.  I am very sad in my life right now, and am not very confident in my ability to remain interesting to people.  I have been reluctant to reach out to you.  I know ultimately it’s not really anyone’s fault though… our lives are just turning two different chapters in this book of friendship.  I hope we find ourselves on the same page again soon.

I can’t express to you enough that you will always be my very best friend, and no matter where life and time takes us, for you I will always be here waiting.  Our friendship has seen many ups and downs over the years, and because of that I know that I can always depend on it to stand rock solid.

You’re my rock, hun.  And I’ll always be your lobster.

He who was born into love…

You are truly a lucky person.  You have been my unspoken idol for as long as I can remember.  I will regret admitting this to myself.

But this isn’t about how envious I am of you.  This is about the rest of your life–the life you will live and love.  Your life is perfect in every way, despite every obstacle.  Despite every flaw of character and every turn of luck, you always come out on top, and I admire that about you.

You were born into love.  Maybe you haven’t always seen it, and you seem to never recall it, but this is what I know to be true.  Because even though I can’t speak for our parents, who conceived you–their first born son–out of the love they shared for each other, and even though I can’t speak for our sister, who is like you in many ways through the way she connects and responds to you and to life… I can speak for myself.  I love you.

I love that you are selfish and oft times think of no one but yourself.  This allows you to pursue your every whim and seek validation from no one.

I love that you are brash and pushy and force your way.  This allows you achieve many things, or try again harder for the times that you fail.

I love that you are frivolous and unconcerned with risks and rewards.  This allows you to push boundaries within yourself and set your own standard.

Even through your faults you become stronger.  You learn to find yourself and love yourself and those close to you have followed your lead.  In the end, you have found yourself within a world of compassion and acceptance.

Because of the love that you have found, and because of the capacity to love that you were born with, I know that your life will always outshine mine.  I am okay with that, and I anticipate your continued happiness always, because in spite of everything, it is you I will forever find myself looking up to.