Sometimes I wonder if friendship is a real thing. I find myself looking back over the years and seeing who has been with me through and through. Truthfully? Only my immediate family. And even then, only as much as I allow.
I variably keep in touch with childhood friends. My best friend from my teen years is still someone I hold very dearly, but we have spent a lot of time apart now and don’t connect as often as we used to. And people I consider friends today… well I actually have a hard time coping with my understanding of them as friends at all.
What is the criteria? What kind of things can and should I expect from a friend? I like to think nothing. I don’t want to–nor do I know how to–expect or anticipate anything from anyone. I don’t trust anyone’s feelings towards me. I don’t expect anyone to regard me as a friend.
Whose to say I don’t quit my job? My only two friends in the city were met through work, and one of them has already become very distant from me since she left. If I leave, what makes me feel safe enough to trust that someone should want to spend time with me outside the realm of convenience?
I wonder of this has always been a problem of mine. If I just grew up expecting that people weren’t drawn to me so much as they were drawn to formality. Heck, I can’t even keep myself interested. Why should I anticipate any better from these strangers?
Over the years, people have changed, and I have not. I have found that it is impossible to become a constant in another person’s life if I continue to remain a constant in my own. How long before I have no one left at all?