I wake up to a quintessential morning light bursting through the blinds of my window. I can see the dark shape of the rain barrel outside and the long spidery leaves of the shrub besides it blowing in the breeze.
I lay in bed for a few minutes. My sheets have begun to slide off my bed and are folding against the floor. I pull them up to my chest and stare at the light fixture on my ceiling. Its glass is stressed in lines and breaks. I raise my hand so that it rests just above it in my line of vision.
Bored with my myself, I clench my hand into a fist and throw both arms back, resigning myself from my bed with a content yawn. I am not still sleepy, just relaxed. Yesterday’s shirt is draped over my chair until I decidedly drape it over myself once again.
My day has just begun. I am faced with a number of ways I could begin to spend it, and not one way seems any more befitting than the last.
-I could run the elliptical while watching Ellen or The Talk. Maybe Roseanne reruns are on t.v. still. Pokémon at 8:30. I sweat and pant and choke back a tall glass of water, before dancing in unison with my shadowed silhouette to the bathroom to observe my body in the mirror. My skin is flushed and my waist, tight. My chest feels even the slightest bit more taught and my butt a little perkier. The shower washes away my filth and I sit beneath the warm stream of water with my eyes closed, dreaming about love, contemplating life, indulging in happiness.
-I could make myself a feast of a breakfast. Pancakes, eggs, anything I wanted. I lounge in the light exploding through the bay windows, watching t.v. with Friday dreaming on his neatly folded blanket on the couch. Every time I move nearer he growls and expresses his discontent. But he’s happy to be with me, and I’m happier to be with him. I kiss his poufy head and rub his ears just as he perks his head at the sight of my plate. We spend our morning eating breakfast, as I save every final corner of pancake or toast for his whimpering, wagging self.
-I could crawl into my dungeon, the game room, and close myself off from everything. There are no windows, and the lights are turned off to keep the room from overheating. Occasionally I’ll turn my favourite lamp on so I can see the keyboard of my computer incase I need to look up walkthroughs for whatever I’m playing. The blanket my mom and dad got when they married is my blanket of choice and is sprawled across the bed, inviting me to find myself amidst its grasp where I can let my thoughts fade away and dissolve into a different world. Harvest Moon, Okami, Mario Galaxy, Tales of…
Anything. Everything I am content with. My dreams and carefree self lift my mundaneness into ritual and glory. I have myself, and for the times that I am lacking, my brother is sure to enjoy my company as he watches a movie or a new series or is eager to catch me up on the latest game he’s playing. My sister always has the family channel on or needs to watch a movie or show mom recorded. My dog is always itching to run around and play. My mom is always upstairs in her lazy boy, playing on her computer, napping, knitting. My best friend is always only a phone call away and eager to go on Gaia or talk about the latest news in gaming, anime, or k-pop. There is always someone for me to keep myself occupied until I am ready to be alone again. I am never alone indefinitely.
But today I am alone indefinitely. And yesterday. And tomorrow.
Today I am not enough.