Tag Archives: lonely

I wake up.

I wake up to a quintessential morning light bursting through the blinds of my window.  I can see the dark shape of the rain barrel outside and the long spidery leaves of the shrub besides it blowing in the breeze.

I lay in bed for a few minutes.  My sheets have begun to slide off my bed and are folding against the floor.  I pull them up to my chest and stare at the light fixture on my ceiling.  Its glass is stressed in lines and breaks.  I raise my hand so that it rests just above it in my line of vision.

Bored with my myself, I clench my hand into a fist and throw both arms back, resigning myself from my bed with a content yawn.  I am not still sleepy, just relaxed.  Yesterday’s shirt is draped over my chair until I decidedly drape it over myself once again.

My day has just begun.  I am faced with a number of ways I could begin to spend it, and not one way seems any more befitting than the last.

-I could run the elliptical while watching Ellen or The Talk.  Maybe Roseanne reruns are on t.v. still.  Pokémon at 8:30.  I sweat and pant and choke back a tall glass of water, before dancing in unison with my shadowed silhouette to the bathroom to observe my body in the mirror.  My skin is flushed and my waist, tight.  My chest feels even the slightest bit more taught and my butt a little perkier.  The shower washes away my filth and I sit beneath the warm stream of water with my eyes closed, dreaming about love, contemplating life, indulging in happiness.

-I could make myself a feast of a breakfast.  Pancakes, eggs, anything I wanted.  I lounge in the light exploding through the bay windows, watching t.v. with Friday dreaming on his neatly folded blanket on the couch.  Every time I move nearer he growls and expresses his discontent.  But he’s happy to be with me, and I’m happier to be with him.  I kiss his poufy head and rub his ears just as he perks his head at the sight of my plate.  We spend our morning eating breakfast, as I save every final corner of pancake or toast for his whimpering, wagging self.

-I could crawl into my dungeon, the game room, and close myself off from everything.  There are no windows, and the lights are turned off to keep the room from overheating.  Occasionally I’ll turn my favourite lamp on so I can see the keyboard of my computer incase I need to look up walkthroughs for whatever I’m playing.  The blanket my mom and dad got when they married is my blanket of choice and is sprawled across the bed, inviting me to find myself amidst its grasp where I can let my thoughts fade away and dissolve into a different world.  Harvest Moon, Okami, Mario Galaxy, Tales of…

Anything.  Everything I am content with.  My dreams and carefree self lift my mundaneness into ritual and glory.  I have myself, and for the times that I am lacking, my brother is sure to enjoy my company as he watches a movie or a new series or is eager to catch me up on the latest game he’s playing.  My sister always has the family channel on or needs to watch a movie or show mom recorded.  My dog is always itching to run around and play.  My mom is always upstairs in her lazy boy, playing on her computer, napping, knitting.  My best friend is always only a phone call away and eager to go on Gaia or talk about the latest news in gaming, anime, or k-pop.  There is always someone for me to keep myself occupied until I am ready to be alone again.  I am never alone indefinitely.

But today I am alone indefinitely.  And yesterday.  And tomorrow.

Today I am not enough.

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“Nobody loves me, everybody hates me”

“Nobody loves me, everybody hates me!”  You used to chant.  Maybe you still do, but I wouldn’t really know anymore.  It had been so long since I’ve heard from you.  I miss you so much.

I couldn’t believe you called me the other night.  When I saw the caller I.D. on my phone say “***** Home”, I was in total shock!  That’s why I answered the phone with a reluctant “Hello?”.  Since it was your parents home phone calling me and not your cellphone, I instantly decided either:

A)  Your mom was worried about me as I’ve avoided all contact with her lately as well, or

B)  You broke up with your boyfriend and moved back home, obviously looking to your best friend for support once again.

A part of me really hoped it was “B”.  I was so hopeful that you’d moved back home and found yourself feeling lonely and missing me, the same way I feel about you almost every day!  I even tried fishing for the details right off the bat, but I don’t know if you noticed.

It meant a lot to me that you called me again.  A long time ago I decided that I would not go out of my way to make first contact with you, because you always wound up being too busy which made me feel so insignificant.  I also just felt weird being the one to seek out your time.  Our whole friendship, we’ve succeeded by your prying and constant seeking attention from me.  Back then, I knew that I was important to you.  Now I’m not as sure…

I know that I will always be someone you care about, and I know that you do not hold me in any negative regard, but I can’t help but feel that my friendship isn’t important to you anymore.  And I don’t know how I should expect myself to feel anything different…

If I’m not important to you anymore, I want there to be a finality to it.  I don’t want to hold onto memories of you anymore.  I don’t want to miss you and to fleetingly anticipate spending time with you and your family again if it is likely never to come true.  I don’t want to hold on to you the way I’ve been holding onto everything else that makes me sad.

Forgive me if I’m being cold.  But you’ve known me a very long time now.  You should know that I don’t abide by the formalities involved in personal relationships.  If I find myself feeling unnecessary, then I remove myself.  Please let me remove myself if I’ve become unnecessary to you.

Your chant has become my own.  Don’t torment me with your friendship if it doesn’t exist anymore.

Sunday, July 22nd

I’ve noticed a specific trend with how I’ve been handling this break up so far–I haven’t been!!

I think that I am strong and have already moved past him one minute, and the next I’m all alone looking at pictures of him on my phone feeling hopeless and devastated.
Why do I miss him so much? He was so insensitive and used me for a long time… Why is that hard to move on from? Do I still love him??

I’m so scatterbrained about all of this. My attention span is minimal, and I’ve noticed myself sullenly asking people to repeat themselves like a million times lately.  I can’t seem to decide what is best for me right now!

GAH.

Blue Christmas

It’s 1am Christmas morn’.  My kittens are curled up–one by the fireplace and one in her tree basket–sleeping the night away.  At least, they are until I decide to go to bed, then they turn into night terrors and drag my bonsai all over the place like I woke up to Christmas Eve morning!

Anyways, I was going to post another of my entries from my summer journal, but I decided to go with something a little more festive.  Or at least, something to do with how I’ve been holding up this holiday season!

Things have been rough, to say the least.  It’s been almost a year since my ex and I’s paths crossed in this life.  I anticipate things will only get worse.

Working Christmas Eve was no fun.  It was so busy, and all of our customers were:

a) Couples in love coming in from the cold for hot chocolates and shared pastries.

b) Desperate and depraved spinster women coming in for company and/or distraction.

and c) attractive (and stupid) young men doing last minute Christmas shopping for their lucky latte lasses.

I didn’t particularly enjoy these crowds.  Especially since some of those in crowd (b) were just flat-out strange people.  And of course I was helplessly bitter about all the love in the air.

My friend I was working with told me I should just text him–my ex.  She said I should just ask him why he’d said he wanted to talk to me again, and then never talked to me again.  I told her I was scared to make myself vulnerable to him again.  When she’d asked why, my only response to her was that I’m just so sad inside.  And in an incredibly real moment between us, I accidently let myself cry.

I took a minute in the backroom, upset that I’d let my guard down in the middle of the store like that, and when I came back out she told me she loved me, and thinks I deserve so much better than someone like him.

I never let myself agree with her.  I don’t really know why.  Maybe I do deserve better, but I just can’t seem to believe that in the slightest.  Why am I finding myself so helpless to all of this again?  I thought I was moving past everything.

Maybe I do need to reach out to him again.  I’m just so paralyzed with fear that he’ll never reply, or that he still won’t give me the answers I need.  I want closure so bad…  I’m finding it so hard to let go without it.

Anyways, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!  I hope you all have beautiful people in your lives to stay close and warm with this holiday season!  And for those of you who don’t–cheers to being absolutely alone on Christmas!  My advice?  Get kittens~

I am not an unhappy person.

I really truly am not.  I just have a negative and hypersensitive reaction to most anything that happens in my life, and any feeling that I experience.  Somehow people confuse these things.

I guess if you were on the outside looking in, you might say I were unhappy.  You would see me up late every night being unproductive (i.e. avoiding laundry, dishes, shopping, etc.) and then get up as early as 4am to start getting ready for work.  You would watch my perplexing way of being the friendliest impersonable person to all my customers.  You would see them smile as I avert my eyes, eager for the line to move along.

You follow behind as I walk back home, curious as to at what point my glowing personality faded back into an exhausted and uncertain, forlorn type of character.

I get home and lift my kittens from the ground, snuggling and loving and ensuring they’ve had their fill after a day spent alone.  And I wonder.  Why can’t I just have that?  Why isn’t there someone I can depend on coming home to me and making me feel… wanted.

I’m hopeless, really.  But I’m not unhappy.  I’m just lonely.  I admit that I need someone to make me feel whole.  Despite what everyone likes to think, don’t we all?